Same Sex Straight Marriage (or Marriage 2.0)

Okay, I hate to feed into the current "Let’s talk about something other than Iraq strategy," but it suits my agenda as well, so here goes:

I’m against gay marriage. What?! Someone who can easily be labeled as a flaming leftist vegan-ish liberal progressive commie hippie, against gay marriage?! Why, that’s like saying Dick Cheney is against unethical behavior!

Well, it’s true. I’m against gay marriage because I’m against all marriage. Then why the hell am I married? Why don’t I boycott the whole process?

Okay, let me slow down a bit. I’m married because there is a lot to be gained from it. Oh yeah and I love my wife and know that she’s my soul-mate. I guess I should have put those in a different order, but you know, deadlines-n-stuff.

Yes, I’m married, and it did cross my mind to boycott marriage until gays could marry, but that would be like finding a hundred dollar bill on the ground and not taking it because there wasn’t one there for everybody.

However, there’s more than one way to make a statement – so in exchange for permitting myself to take advantage of marriage benefits, I’ve taken it as my obligation to never shut the hell up until we fix this whole marriage thing and it is fair for ALL. So the more I thought about it, the more I thought about what I mean by ALL. Let’s not just open the door, let’s bust it down, blow off the roof and flood the basement. Leaving out the metaphors, what I’m saying is, let’s revamp marriage completely.

Now, I’m completely serious here: why should only people in love get to marry? Why does getting married bring along with it so many awesome benefits? To help with raising babies? To help with a family structure? Stability in society? With divorce in the USA at around fifty-percent is marriage really contributing to any kind of stability?

Suppose you’re straight (man or woman) and the way you live your life involves never settling down in a relationship with one person. Or, what if it’s not your choice, that try as might all the speed-dating, chat rooms and happy hours, you still can’t find a mate? Marriage and all those awesome legal, social, tax benefits are denied to you as well.

I would like to see any American citizen able to formally designate another person as a second. This person would be your equal to what is currently called a spouse, but you wouldn’t have to sleep with him or her or clean up his or her junk. S/he would just be the person who you legally declare as the one person you trust to implement your wishes should you be incapacitated or dead, and to properly inherit and/or distribute your wealth.

Back in the day (so I read somewhere, I think) people who went to duels brought along a "second." This person would, well, I don’t exactly know what the hell this person did. Frankly, any friend who stands by and let’s another person shoot at you isn’t really a friend. Anyway, what I believe the second did was make sure the duel was conducted fairly and even stand in if the original dueler couldn’t make it. (Dude, I’m sick. Can you get shot at instead of me?) I believe they also would negotiate with the opposing "second" in the hopes of preventing any violence.

Focus, Lar! Focus.

Ahem! My point: Not only is marriage unfair to gays, it’s unfair to life-time singles, voluntary or otherwise. The whole concept seems antiquated, possibly in place only because a lot of people benefit from it and would vote in favor of it. Or maybe it’s a law inherited from America’s puritan beginnings. Dare we ask: What is marriage for?

This is LarBlog! Of course we dare!

A few things are apparent: 1. Marriage among straights of the opposite sex doesn’t guarantee stability. 2. Families come in an infinite number of configurations. 3. It’s a good idea for EVERYONE to have some kind of a legal watchdog. 4. Marriage is a basket of benefits that are only available to certain Americans, and as a good American and true patriot, equality of opportunity is important to me, so I want to give everyone the opportunity to marry, regardless of their personal life.

Whaaaa! (That’s the critics, crying.) What about the economy? Come on, critics! Relax. What would happen if two straight bachelors decided to become each other’s second? They could possibly buy a house with two different entrances, etc. It would be great for the economy! Everything will be fine. You’ll have the same percentage of divorces (the legal jettisoning of a second) the same percentage of people taking advantage of tax benefits, etc. etc. etc. The only difference? This opportunity would be equal.

And so, that’s why this flaming liberal leftist vegan-ish progressive commie hippie is against marriage as we know it, and gay marriage. It’s time to upgrade the whole marriage concept completely.