The Salsapocalypse! (or, Immigrants Immigrants Immigrants… and North Korea.)

North Korea wasn’t testing missiles, they were celebrating the Fourth of July! Turns out they’re friends of the USA! If only we spoke their language, we would have known! Aw, see that? Sing: We are the world!

So if we think of nations as people, and the world as one global neighborhood, then North Korea is that annoying drunk on your street who likes to watch things explode. The inevitable conclusion here is that someone that dumb-assed is sure to blow off one of their own fingers soon, so it won’t be long now until North Korea hits itself with a missile. After all, that’s the only way they’re going to get attacked, because who the hell wants to go to North Korea? They don’t have any oil, so in United States foreign policy parlance: fuck ‘em!

It's really bad when you’re so bonkers you make the nut-case on the block sane. North Korea is using the USA’s baseless attack on Iraq as evidence that the USA is a psycho and it makes sense for good citizens to be prepared for any random attack. It’s hard to argue with that. Except, getting back to the oil (Doesn’t it always come back to the oil?) North Korea doesn’t have any, so what the hell are they worried about?

Besides, the USA’s troops are spread too thin. Oops, but wait a minute! There’s been some discussion about withdrawing from Iraq, even after the idea was voted against (how political!) Under the guise of agreeing with the public (it is a semi-important election year, after all) there are teasing hints concerning slowly pulling the troops out. Isn’t that great? They’re coming home! Nope. They’re just getting ready to deploy to Iran.

There’s so much talk about stopping immigration, why not stop the US Military? They’re immigrating across the Axis of Evil faster than Mexico can change the name of Texas to Tacos. Speaking of immigration, let’s mentally samba on over there, it looks lonely standing in the corner now that all these shiny new life-or-death election-year topics have come up. Don’t fret, little subject! It happens to all items on the news radar. They all get forgotten about in time, but I’ll patronize you for one last fling. Think of it as sympathy-punditry.

The concerns I hear about immigration often transition through three key stages: language, jobs and racism. Let’s follow them along.

You might think, based on a lot of the commentary, that speaking English is a major strategy in defending one’s soul from demonic possession. What absolutely horrific thing is going to happen if someone new to our country speaks Spanish? What if we happen to accidentally learn a Spanish word? Muerte?

I recently went on a trip to Amsterdam, and it was a blast. How much fun would it have been for me if, after a three hour drive to the airport, and a seven hour flight, I step off the plane and see a sign that says EN DUTSCHEN ACH SPEKEN DU FATALLEN! That’s how I imagine a sign for Please speak Dutch or kindly die might read. Is this the sort of unwelcoming douche bags we want to be in America? Hell no! The people in the city were so multi-lingual, I felt like a dork from a country that isolates itself from the world by refusing to learn their languages. I felt JUST like that.

Reaching further back into Larstory, I recall the time I went to Montreal, Quebec, and ordered a pizza at a restaurant. Our server spoke no English and my group spoke no French. Somehow we all lived through that terrifying ordeal by pointing, smiling and laughing. Believe it or not, the earth did not dislodge from its orbit (too much.)

Through no fault of immigration, I have my doubts we’re going to be speaking English a hundred years from now. Actually we won’t be speaking anything then but the Language of THE DEAD. Ahem!

Point being: Shakespeare lived almost 400 years ago and it’s damn difficult to understand that crap. Plus, language is evolving faster. Thirty years ago this would have been incomprehensible: I’ll IM you just as soon as I get done blogging. In another thirty years, we’ll be communicating by emoticons and abbreviations like LOL. HWYW? FAY? GG. (How was your weekend? Fine and yours? Good, good.)

Ever see that bumper-sticker that reads, If you’re reading this in English, thank a soldier? That’s a little confusing to me because it’s the writer who determines the language being used. Since it is written in English, do I have any choice other than to read it in English?

But language is just a start. There’s more to the Salsapocalypse than what you’re speaking. Next we get into jobs. We don’t want them immigrants taking our jobs? But it’s not like any immigrants are making zillions of dollars and driving in limos. The people who pay them, who actually look for them, and therefore create the incentive to immigrate are the ones who are to blame. Poor people wouldn’t be trying to immigrate here if there weren’t Hollywood celebrities and border state senators who want their house cleaned but would rather spend four bucks an hour than five bucks an hour.

So the language argument doesn’t hold, and once the job arguments fade, the last argument comes out: racism. A lot of people are very concerned, citing statistics that by such-and-such year (usually in ten years or less) the USA will have more tortillas than white-bread.

Does that matter? Can this somehow be prevented? But how? By mandatory fucking for all white American Christians over the age of twelve? As long as American values prevail, who cares what we speak? And by American values, I mean being welcoming to outsiders. Oops.

With all the head-busting the military is doing, by the time Johnny comes marching home, he’s not going to remember any damn English! Maybe by then, we’ll be able to talk peacefully with North Korea.