ROFL: Random Outbursts From Lar!


Why I Wish People Happy Holidays (or, Time to Battle the Christmas Warriors again)

As a kid, I loved Christmas. Who wouldn't? You get toys, days off and you get to hang out in your pajamas all day. It was awesome then and still my definition of a perfect day.

Now, as an adult, I groan as Christmas approaches. It mostly brings more work. More home improvements, more decorating projects, more shopping trips are packed into one month than they are the rest of the entire year. It's got a hustle-bustle fun to it, but hey, I want to relax and do nothing. Christmas-time is rarely the time to accommodate that.

More than I dread the rushing around, I hate that Christmas really brings out the asshole nature of people. People are assholes naturally and that's what it is, but when they're shouting about being kind and so not being kind, well that hurts extra. Retail employees will know what I mean. If you think Christmas is a beautiful time of year, I challenge you to work in retail during the season. That should dispel any illusions of Christmas goodness you have.

Many charlatans who shall remain nameless have claimed there is a War on Christmas. As is often the case with these folk, their claims are inaccurate. There is no War on Christmas. Christmas is a war on retail clerks.

When I say that, I'm not just talking about the obvious: the poor souls who suddenly have their working hours lengthened, their workload expanded and their customers turned into slavering beasts possessed by consumer lust. I'm also talking about the movement that's been gaining momentum as many Americans grapple with the concept that we live on a planet with other people. What is this movement?

It's the "How Dare You Not Say Merry Christmas To Me?" movement.

The movement's primary complaint is that the quarter of the year starting roughly the split second after Halloween ends to sometime in the middle of January is actually a joyous celebration of Christianity: Christmas AND NOTHING ELSE.

As is often the case, the fury of the righteous is directed at one of the lower rungs on society's totem pole, ill-equipped to defend themselves: the hourly wage retail clerk. What is their offense? They wish people Happy Holidays. THEY DO WHAT?! Yes, it's sad but true, they actually HOPE people enjoy the darker months and they tell them to their face. THE NERVE! To add um, insult to injury, they do all this with a smile AFTER having provided them with customer service.

Let's review. If someone smiles and says to me, "Happy Holidays." I should: (A.) Accept the kindness and thank them or (B.) Freak out and claim my specific beliefs are under attack. Apparently response B makes sense to a lot of people, who feel that just by saying "Happy Holidays" you are taking a dump in the local Nativity scene.

When I worked with the public during the holiday season, I always closed a transaction with "Happy Holidays." Why would I do something so evil? Three reasons:

1.) Because I'm extra-nice. Yes, it is likely most people I will encounter are Christian-ish, but Christmas and New Year's Eve are within one week of each other. So I was actually dishing out two blessings for the verbal price of one. When I say "Happy Holidays," I'm saying it because I want you to enjoy whatever your pagan-based holiday is AND I want you to enjoy New Year's Eve. Happy Holidays is plural. Merry Christmas is not.

2.) Because I want to wish well on all peoples. A retail clerk doesn't know if a customer is Christian or what. If I said Merry Christmas to a Jewish person or an Atheist, it wouldn't be effective and I'd miss out on wishing them a Happy New Year's Eve (which is a non-religious holiday.) So I go for the catch-all.

3.) It's my mouth and I'll bless you how I like. Take it or leave it. Is this what the Christmas Warriors have brought us to? Where I have to get uppity about wishing THEM happiness?!?! Is the following scenario far behind? Here's your coffee, now please inform me of your religion so that I may say farewell to you with the appropriate holiday blessing.

This all reminds me a lot of that Nazi guy Goering's quote on how propaganda works. An excerpt: "The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked." So for those of you nameless douche-bags who try to promote yourself by telling people Christmas is under attack, I urge you to examine who your inspiration truly is.

I also wish you Happy Holidays. If you choose to refuse my blessing, then I'll just be forced to hope for Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward Man, which will also probably annoy you.

Larry Nocella is the award-winning author of the novel Where Did This Come From? available at Amazon and Xlibris and other fine online book stores. Where Did This Come From? is also available as an eBook. For more info, visit Larry Nocella's website at

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