ROFL: Random Outbursts From Lar!


The Opposite of Awesome (A Connection between the Bush Administration and Domino’s Pizza)

I want to take a break from heavy stuff. President Dubya is nearing the end of his ruinous term that has damaged the USA beyond bin Laden's wildest wet dreams, and there's little more to say than, Mission Accomplished, jackass!

For the moment, I feel the need to blog about something other than solely reflecting upon the thousands of obvious ways that Dubya is an asshole. It will be hard to resist the temptation. Like cheese puffs, once you start, it's hard to stop. Something about each one being easy and fun.

So I'll try to talk about something else, but I'm sure I'll take a shot or two at Dubya along the way. Besides, something has been on my mind for a while, and I just don't know the right forum for it, so why not now?

What's been on my mind? Well, I had this awe-inspiring experience and I'm struggling to express to you just how impressive it was. How do you convey to another person the idea that something is astounding? Reflexively I reach for adjectives, superlatives, capitals, bold, italic, larger fonts or repetition of the word "very," but in true cases of awe those efforts are inadequate.

I'm talking about that rare type of awe that leaves you dumbstruck, impressed to the point of being stunned, so shocked by an experience or a sight that you temporarily can't speak or move. It can be positive or negative. Sometimes it's when you're caught by a delightful surprise, sometimes it's when someone is so rude you fail to respond.

These moments of awe are rare, but I will try to convey to you a recent event where I felt (and still feel) tremendous awe. It involves pizza.

Via the New York vs. Los Angeles media, I've heard tell that we East Coast Americans are snobs about our pizza. Well, whatever. Maybe I am a snob, but I assure you, it was no snobbery that contributed to the awe with which I witnessed Domino's Pizza's extremely proficient craposity.

Let me set the scene. It was late at night and the room was filled with a cloud of green smoke, if you know what I mean and I know you do. Being a responsible adult, I don't ever drive intoxicated, but I was suddenly stricken with a vicious case of the munchies. All other delivery options were closed except for Domino's. My judgment impaired, I ordered from a place I swore to avoid long ago, not only because of their inferior product, but because of their founder's dealings in right-wing lunacy.

When the delivery dude arrived and I opened the front door, he stepped back. I guess a puff of smoke billowed out the open door, Cheech-n-Chong-style. Anyway, I paid for the pie and took a bite. I forced my way through one piece like a reality-show contestant who forces themselves to eat slugs and I almost vomited. It was the absolute worst tasting pizza ever. I was in awe. This awe lasted beyond my then-altered state to my current sobriety.

Think about it. A person under the influence of some prime grass is craving snack food. This person orders the most fun, most delicious food ever invented, in the region of America that rules the pizza world (fuck off, Chicago!) and near a city that houses more Italians than any city outside of Italy. (Or at least it seems that way.) I daresay Philadelphia is the pizza capital of the USA if not the world.

Yet this delivery chain, Domino's, could not deliver a pizza a starving man could stomach. You don't just work at making a pizza that bad. You don't just have a talent. You don't transcend craft and raise it to the level of art. You are a god. You have a divine power to make a shitty pizza. Your supernatural ability leaves us mortals in awe.

Kneel before the awesome might it requires to make a pizza so heinously bad that a sometime stoner, in the throes of the munchies, will actually turn away from it! Witness the power! Tremble before it!

Thus, awe.

With that, I leave you my summation of the Bush Administration: as bad as a pizza from Domino's.

Larry Nocella is the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? available on Amazon. For more info, visit his website at

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