ROFL: Random Outbursts From Lar!


Obama Should Immediately Appoint an Ambassador to Moronia (The Ten Billionth Entry in the "Obama Should" Category)

This week is when 99% of everything written on the internet starts with some variant of "Obama should..." and I'm such a conformist, I don't want to be any different. So here's my contribution: What Obama should do ASAP is appoint an Ambassador to Moronia.

Where is Moronia? You won't find it on any map, in the same way you won't find Funkytown, The Nation of Islam, or The State of Confusion in any atlas. Though it sounds like a physical place, Moronia isn't defined by a landmass covered with invisible lines that tempt humans to kill those living on the opposite side of those lines.

As you probably have figured out (if you haven't, you may be a citizen!) Moronia is The Nation of Morons. They can live anyplace on the geographical globe (though they apparently tend to coagulate in Midland, Texas.) In the space defined by mind, they are all in one place: jammed up their own asses.

Moronians (aka morons) are people who, just a few days ago, comprised the 22% who felt G. W. Bush had done a good job as president. (Source.)

They are the people who recently at a Bush fund-raiser in Midland, Texas, chanted "Four More Years!" To quote my main man Keith Olbermann: "Maybe they didn't want him back." (Source.)

I know, I know, we're supposed to be healing now. We're supposed to come together and, how would President Obama say it? Put aside partisan rancor. I love that kind of talk. I'm a hippie at heart. I love the idea of people who dislike each other coming together for a greater good. I almost cried when a dying Darth Vader chucked the Emperor down the tube in a final act of redemption. What nerd didn't?

Sadly, over the years, skeptical me has trumped the nerd and hippie within. I've come to learn that reaching one's hand out has a slim chance of working, because some people are cruel, petty, selfish, spiteful. In short, they are just fuckin' morons!

That should explain my call for an Ambassador to Moronia. We need someone to figure out exactly what morons are thinking when they claim Bush did a great job, when they chant "Four More Years!" when eight years was nine too many. What makes the people of Moronia tick? What criteria are they using to arrive at their assessments? Do they think a dive-bombing Dow Jones is good? Do they think losing 30-plus percent of their 401k is groovy? That a large national debt will just vanish? That our fellow humans dying in Iraq is worth cheering for?

Then again, do we really need The Nation of Morons? If they are a small enough minority, maybe we can just over-power them. That's preferably the case, but I've never been able to settle in my mind whether the majority of people are morons or not. Some days it seems like a pitched battle, with morons vs. non-morons switching their proportions 49-51% back and forth with the frequency of a strobe light.

Morons are people, too. I'd like to reach out to them, but how do you reach out to someone who is okay with war? Who is okay with people being poor? Who can accept elderly people without healthcare? Who can live next door to someone dying of poverty and shrug? Who want to rewrite the U.S. Constitution just to prevent private activities behind closed doors between consenting adults?

The long-haired hippie freak side of me is thnking, "Hey hep-cat, your verbal tones are harshing my aura." Well, fuck your aura! Take a shower and tell me what Morons are thinking! I want to hold hands with everyone too, but it's kind of hard when they're clinging to their guns, claiming that's their guarantee of freedom (meanwhile their retirement account is looted. Morons!)

Until we reach out to the Citizens of Moronia, getting logical, intelligent, compassionate things done will be an uphill battle. For those of you against immigration (despite what's written on The Statue Of Liberty) I might have to reluctantly agree: let's close our borders to morons!

Larry Nocella is the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? available on Amazon. For more info, visit his website at

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