ROFL: Random Outbursts From Lar!


The Myth of the Modern Day Minuteman (or, Gunophiles let us all down, are they serious about a well-armed militia or are they just LARPing?)

I recently came across an internet post where gun lovers were seriously complaining that President Obama is a threat to American freedom because he wants to take away people's guns. Without even considering whether this accusation is true or not, I have a bigger question for gunophiles: Where the hell were you guys over the last eight years?

Gunophiles always claim they are the thin voluntary line between tyranny and freedom, the noble defenders of life, liberty and property. Yet the Bush Crime Family stole their (and all of our) savings right out from under us and never once did the modern-day Minutemen rise up. The "well-organized militia" that the Second Amendment promises failed to self-organize in a miraculous display of social emergence.

Where were the gunophiles when Bush was allowing his goons to plunder the country? I'd sure like to know, because as things are, we're all (and for you breeders, your children and grandchildren are also) going to be working well past retirement to pay off Bush's debt.

As for defending our nation, the Second Amendment turned out to be as useful as Web 2.0, little more than a buzzword. The gunophiles themselves were as helpful as LARPers playing resistance fighters. If Obama does want to take away their guns, it seems he has good reason: dereliction of duty.

Picture this scene: a family is starving, they have no jobs, the water is polluted, they can’t buy food, they're about to be kicked out of their home. That's a scary and growing segment of America today, but gun-lovers feel everything is all right for now. After all, they still have their guns and therefore, we're still free. Free to eat as much bullet-stew as we like. Yum yum, freedom is delicious and just loaded with iron!

Now I often find myself in a disturbingly small minority when I express concern over arguments bolstered by scenes from fictional movies, but then again, this is Hollywood, excuse me, this is America, and fiction can do the job and frame history's lessons more concisely than recalling any event. That's part of the reason I write it.

So let me try my memory at one of my favorite scenes in the movie The Grapes of Wrath. It goes something like this: A bulldozer is about a run down a farm family's house. The farm owner stands before his home and prepares to shoot the bulldozer driver. Displaying unnatural calm, the driver explains: you can shoot me, but then the man from the local bank will just send someone else. Then I'll go shoot him, the farm-owner counters. Well then, the driver says, the guy who owns the national bank will replace him. Then I'll shoot him, too! The farm-owner insists. The driver is chill: but then the corporation that owns the banks will hire someone else. Finally the farm-owner yells in frustration as his house is destroyed, "Damn it, who do I shoot?"


The observation made plain in the scene, supported by gunophile inaction during Bush's criminal reign is: guns are not a guarantee of freedom at all. Guns may work for solving problems of immediate physical safety in extremely rare circumstances, but not problems of finance.

See, I mock our gun-loving fellow citizens because, well, like any wanna-be comedian I’m a bit of a jerk. In addition, gunophiles are an irresistible target because they often take themselves too seriously. However, I do agree with them on two points. If someone breaks into your home with an axe, intending to do you harm, it sure would be nice to have a pistol. No question.

If you are in the extreme minority that needs to hunt for subsistence, it would help to have a rifle, but that’s where I get off the gunophile shortbus, long before the final stop deep in the heart of Crazyville.

As the saying says, give someone a hammer and every problem looks like a nail. Give someone a gun and every problem looks like a five-year-old who didn't think it was loaded.

Where were the guns? Where were the gunophiles? Where was Revolution 2.0? Nowhere, and it's just as well. Guns would not have solved the problem. They don't solve systemic problems and are no guarantee of freedom. So, please gunophiles, if you really want to defend freedom, work on stopping corruption in the financial world. As the situation is now, we'll be wage slaves the rest of our lives even if we are free to own guns.

Larry Nocella's novel Where Did This Come From? is available on Amazon in paperback and for the Amazon Kindle. For more info, visit

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