ROFL: Random Outbursts From Lar! LarryNocella.com

16Mar/09Off

Want to Save the Economy? Send the Marines Shopping! (or, Debt is the Lube of the Working Class Hamster Wheel.)

I'm so confused. I thought we were doing well.

After 9/11, those of us who were not in the military got our marching orders. We were told to go forth and shop, shop, shop, spend, spend, spend.(Link.) Keep going to Disney World, keep flying the airlines. Whatever you do, don't let this shocking, horrific and historic event cause you to change anything you do, just keep spending.

It was easy to be a hero back then. Patriotism was as simple as dropping a dime. All you had to do was finance an SUV with no money down, grab an extra case of Coors Light, or tip a little extra at the strip club. You would do those things, if you cared at all about freedom. If you didn't give Sindee that extra five-spot in her thong, well then, the terrorists win!

Such was the rallying cry. The little guy could help, too. It seemed incredible that we working class folk had a part to play in trickle down economics, but we did, and still do! We're supposed to keep going into debt so the rich folk have a desperate workforce always at the ready. Debt is the lube of the working class hamster wheel. Without debt, we working people would stop working. I know it's true because I read it on a bumper sticker: I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.

So we pitched in, we spent until it hurt, just like we were told. We hated those terrorists so bad, we even spent money we didn't have until finally someone somewhere noticed a lot of bills were overdue, so they came calling, then people went bankrupt, then banks went bankrupt, and trickle down economics reversed itself. Instead of wealth trickling down, debt rained up.

Now everything is a mess. In the past, those with big shiny things were admired. It was common to say wow, look at the size of that person's house (or car, or trophy wife's breasts) they must be rich! Now we know that person isn't rich, they're in a lot of debt.

How did this happen? How could debt be our redemption immediately after 9/11 but our downfall a few years later?

Suddenly spending is a bad idea. Now President Obama is offering to hand out money so everyone can go into more debt and the spittle-producing media is screaming "socialist" with all the fury they can muster before the next infomercial about erectile dysfunction.

Of course it's a well-known fact that people who use the word "socialist" as an insult are the same people who have no idea what a socialist is.

For their benefit, I will explain. A socialist is someone who pools the wealth of society and distributes it to some other purpose. Hey, sounds a lot like the USA, regardless who is president! After all, we pay taxes, and that money gets pooled and then used for a lot of things like a road system, a mail system, an internet, fire fighters, police, and a military.

What? Our military is socialist?! I'm afraid so. Well then we should do away with our military as well as all those other things. After all, military equals socialist and socialist equals evil. So dump 'em, the friggen welfare queens.

Unless!

Think about it. As history shows, the problem wasn't spending, it was how much and who did it. We need professional spenders, an elite force of shopaholics, a bunch of trained individuals who follow orders and- That's it! We need to re-tool the military into the finest shopping force the world has ever seen!

Everyone wins! The military, being socialist, and therefore evil, is disbanded and rebranded as The Shopping Service. Armed with credit cards backed by taxpayer funds, they will deploy into local malls and spend precisely what is needed, when it is needed, as they are commanded, with a discipline we civvies could never muster.

We in the working class will be able to horde our money for our survival without being told we're unpatriotic. The former members of the U.S. military will no longer struggle with the impossible task of peacemaker in counties ravaged by civil war. Most importantly, the rich will get their profits! Bailouts will be a thing of the past. Socialism will no longer infect our government. Who will pay the credit card bills, you ask? Nobody! And by nobody I mean the U.S. working class taxpayer. Got a problem with that, you terrorist socialist?

You want to save the economy? Send the Marines shopping! Oorah!

As someone else once said about his own flawless plan, there is no doubt they will be greeted as liberators.

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Larry Nocella's novel Where Did This Come From? is available on Amazon.com as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers. For more info, visit LarryNocella.com.

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