ROFL: Random Outbursts From Lar!


Is It Okay To Be Okay With Being Groped?

I have a theory about 9/11.

Okay, if you're still here, I appreciate your trust. I know the statement "I have a theory about 9/11" has become one of those quick ways to clear a room, second only to "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?" So thanks for giving me a chance.

Your reward is that I'm not going to say 9/11 was an inside job by the Bush family as a favor from one oil-baron-planet-raping family to another. I'm not going to say there were explosives in the twin towers that were somehow miraculously smuggled into the building without a single person of the millions who live on Manhattan noticing.

No, my theory is that the real enemy that indirectly caused 9/11 was lust for convenience.

In short, 9/11 was enabled by people who are so self-centered that they think anything that inconveniences them was designed with one purpose: to inconvenience them. That, of course, includes the arrogant assumption that anyone would want them around longer than absolutely necessary.

I refer to the Ugly American caricature that many Americans sadly live up to. I hear it all the time, "Waaa! My plane was late. Waaa! I had to wait in line. Waaa! There was turbulence." Etc.

My 9/11 theory is that the insistence on faster, faster, faster travel provided a market incentive to airlines to allow the sacrifice of security, until one day, a bunch of terrorists exploited the system.

That's why I'm having trouble caring about the media's latest spin on their usual "Thanksgiving Travel Sure Is Rough" stories. The twist this year is that some people feel the new X-ray scanners aren't safe. They also feel that the pat-down required for refusing the scanner is offensive. Somehow those two things are more oppressive than being murdered in the air.

As for me, every time I fly, I have no complaints about the lines, no complaints about turbulence, and especially no complaints about the security process. I really have no complaints at all, and believe me, I have every right to them because I've flown U.S. Air. So why am I so agreeable when it comes to flying?

Because I'm still alive.

That's right. When I fly my main goal isn't to be catered to, or be able to zip through a line like I'm grabbing munchies at Wawa. I have one goal: to live to see tomorrow.

Have you ever looked out a plane window and activated that primal cave-man part of your brain? Transforming its usual "I'm hungry or I'm horny" self into a babbling idiot quivering in its own sick and filth simply from the terror of being further above the earth than mankind was ever meant to be? Or do you feel a sense of wonder that such a miracle is taking place? Personally, I feel both. Gravity is Nature's way of saying, "Stay!" When you fly, you're basically saying fuck you to Nature. Of course saying fuck you to those far more powerful than you is exhilarating, until the rational part of your brain squeezes in a quick, "What the hell are you doing?!"

So, Mister Airline Security Man, you want to grab my balls in public? Fine. No need to be gentle. You want to grope my wife? Help yourself! You want to blast me with enough x-ray radiation that my poop will glow for weeks? No problem! Just please, please don't let some deluded nut-job smuggle explosives aboard in his tightie-whities. Oh, and a little to the right, please, aw yeah, that's the spot. How much do I owe you? You mean this is free? Can I get back in line?

I'm not saying that speed and security can never be combined, I'm saying that to expect to move fast, arrive safely and not be inconvenienced while flying half-way across the planet in under a day is to live in a fantasy land where you can get something for nothing. A magical place where everything comes from the store you can have everything you want all the time!

Or, as most people call it, America. Because nothing says freedom more than the right to resist all efforts to preserve your health.

Larry Nocella writes The Semi-True Adventures of Lar blog at He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to The book is available on as a paperback and Kindle eBook. It is also available for other eBook readers.