ROFL: Random Outbursts From Lar!


Effective Immediately! [Memo 8]

The following are effective immediately!

8.1  Bucket Lists Must Die!
Effective immediately, everyone will stop telling me about the things I need to do or see before I die. When you call a wish list a "bucket" list, not only are you unwittingly promoting a film the world would rather forget, but instead of inspiring me with all the fun stuff there is to do, you make it sound like a list of chores, all while reminding me of the depressing fact that I'm going to die. And who are you to be telling me what I have to do before I'm dead? I'll be the one to decide that, and since your list doesn't include seeing Kate Hudson naked, then I'm not going to waste my time on it.

8.2 Hypochristians
Effective immediately, you are no longer allowed to call yourself a Christian or a follower of Jesus if you are also in any fashion even the slightest bit pro-gun, pro-war or pro-violence. For far too long, this complete inconsistency has been tolerated, but it ends today! Note that if you do insist on this absurd self-contradiction, then you shall refer to yourself as a Hypochristian, a delightful neologism combining the words 'hypocrite' and 'Christian.' You may also refer to yourself as a dumbass, which, since you are one, I feel the need to inform you combines the words 'dumb' and 'ass.' When Jesus said "love thy enemy" that wasn't code for "smoke dat bitch." Do we really need to review this, people? Apparently we do. Well at least now, after centuries of this problem plaguing human endeavors, it's completely solved. You're welcome.

8.3 Tina Fey, Sarah Palin, and lots of yawning
Effective immediately, the news needs to find something to discuss other than Tina Fey doing another Sarah Palin skit. Tina Fey performing as Sarah Palin has become almost as repetitive and pointless as the real Sarah Palin. While news of Tina Fey performing as Sarah Palin is of much more value to Americans than anything the real Sarah Palin does, that's not saying much. You could say the same about a bag of greasy potato chips. Regardless, it's time to take a diet from both.

Leave it to Saturday Night Live to repeat a bit so many times that the horse isn't just beaten to death, but its bones are ground to powder so fine Charlie Sheen will pounce like a tiger just to snort it. It's a vicious cycle: first Sarah Palin "speaks," then Tina Fey performs a skit as Sarah Palin "speaking," then the entertainment media "reports" a "story" that the skit aired. And now, we're talking about the news about the skit about the "speech." Enough! There's really not much anyone can learn from Sarah Palin, but she did unintentionally teach one good lesson by example: it's never too soon to quit.


Larry Nocella
Supervisor, Clipboard Distribution Division

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