ROFL: Random Outbursts From Lar!


Effective Immediately! [Memo 10]: Facebook Status or Blues Lyrics? An Orgy of News Filler and Man-Horse Marriage.

The following are effective immediately!

10.1 Blues Lyrics or Facebook Status?
Effective immediately, someone has to make a game show (or drinking game, or whacky morning drive radio bit) where contestants try to guess whether a statement is either someone's Facebook status or the lyrics to a blues song. Examples: I have nobody this weekend. Facebook status or blues lyric? I'm gonna get drunk! Facebook or blues? Some dork you barely know just scored nine million points in Bejeweled! Facebook or blues? And so on. If you can figure out a way to make money off this idea, remember you have to pay me a percentage. Or so help me, I'll defriend you.

10.2 An Orgy of Summer News Filler
Effective immediately, we need to help out our buddies in the mainstream media. They're always getting blamed for creating the 24 hour news cycle and its absurd rituals, but they're victims just as much as the rest of us. Can you imagine having to fill all that time with one inane story after another, without the assistance of the keynote speakers at the Conservative Political Action Conference?

Point is, even in a cornfield of insipid, there are limits to how much banality can be harvested. Combine that with the fact that it's been a while since someone squirted out nearly a baker's dozen worth of kids and that renegade inflatable bounce house stories died out faster than Newt Gingrich's fake presidential campaign, and you can see why our news media is hurting.

What's a filler-reporter to do? Golly dang it, it's summer! They should be relaxing, setting the video feed on auto-pilot to run the usual alternating stories about vacation traffic and the heat. But no, the 24 hour news cycle demands constant attention.

Let's help them out. The next time some woman uses her vagina as a Pez™ dispenser, let's all crowd around her crotch and turn the poly-birth procession into a parade. What will we use for floats? Renegade inflatable bounce houses, of course! Drop the kids in and they just fly away!

It's win-win-wind! The mother gets the attention she wants without all the parenting she didn't want. Inflatable bounce houses get free product placement. Ambulance chaser lawyers get another class action suit, and they can share the spoils with you! (And by spoils, I mean of the millions they win, you get, oh... at least a buck sixty-five.) Best of all, our reporter friends can run this story for weeks! It's a friggin' orgasmic collision of news filler!

Our over-worked media friends will have hours of pointless reporting at their fingertips, allowing them a full summer of free time to spend at the bar wondering if they really needed that Master's degree in Journalism.

10.3 Coming Out in favor of Man-Horse Marriage
Effective immediately, those of us in favor of gay marriage must admit to our hidden agenda. We have to confess guilt to what failed senate candidate J.D. Hayworth claimed: that pushing for gay marriage across the entire USA will inevitably result in people marrying horses. (Source)

Now before you go saying Hayworth was just another slippery dope using the slippery slope argument, I ask that you look deep inside yourself. Humbling, isn't it? Because your skin isn't transparent. But also because we know that we're busted. Hayworth was 100% correct. So let me say it outright. I am pro-gay-marriage. And I'm totally okay with man-horse-marriage... soon as horses start driving to city hall, signing internet petitions, writing their congressmen, having organized marches where they demand the right to marry, vocalizing something other than snort and nay, and doing something with a marriage certificate other than chew it up, then yes, I will be backing man-horse marriage 100%.

As of now, however, I'm merely a sleeper agent. An advocate of human-on-human action, but ready at a moment's notice to gallop into Hayworth's horse-loving paradise. But that surely won't be the end of it. Soon I and my long-time-long-faced-companions will be thrusting deeper into the moral flesh of our nayyyytion, bringing to life the even more demented man-on-dog fantasies of religious extremist, presidential candidate and (apparently) bestiality expert Rick Santorum!

So there, I've admitted it all. I'm pro-gay marriage, but that's a mere sliver of my greater agenda. Now if only Santorum and Hayworth can admit that they're allowing their depraved obsessions to masquerade as morality, then everything will be out in the open.


Larry Nocella
Equine Equalizer

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