ROFL: Random Outbursts From Lar!


Effective Immediately! [Memo 12] The Analogy Police are Watching You!

A QUICK NOTE: Kids these days. If it's not in video, they're not going to pay attention. So in order to reach a broader audience, I'm pleased to announce the very first installment of a hybrid Effective Immediately! in video and in text. The text is the script for the video so you can learn about the new requirements either way. Or both ways. Or you can follow along at home. Thank you. And now...

The following is effective immediately!

12.1 The Analogy Police are Watching You!
Effective immediately, everyone needs to be less dramatic with their analogies. From now on, you can't compare inconveniences or rules or laws you don't like with genuine human suffering.

For example, you can't say someone is being like the Nazis, unless they're killing people. You can't say someone is being like Hitler, unless they're advocating genocide. And you can't say someone is being like Dick Cheney unless they're wiping their butt with the American flag, performing human sacrifices under a full moon and shooting their friends in the face.

The point is everyone is being a little overly dramatic with their speech. Even the slightest hassle gets compared to the most vile and violent human oppression and that's insulting to those who do actually suffer. Just imagine a Sudanese refugee comparing stories with a spoiled American.

SUDANESE REFUGEE: Dey destroyed my home and my people. Dey killed my brothers and raped my sisters. Dey made me starve. Tree-hundred of us boys walked fifty miles to avoid de fighting. Dozens died daily from the heat, malaria and animal attacks. We drank from festering puddles of camel urine. Of dah five hundred who set out, only ten lived to work in the gold mines for twenty years.

SPOILED AMERICAN: Dude, I know exactly how you feel. My government is proposing an additional three percent tax on rich people's gross yearly income. Not only that, brah, but they want us to stop using plastic bags. It's like an oppression-slavery swirly soft serve ice cream cone. You ever had those before? Aw, they're delicious! Anyway, I can totally relate to that story you just told that I've already forgotten about.

SUDANESE REFUGEE: But der is so much wealth in your nation. Your basic conveniences are considered riches in many parts of dah world.

SPOILED AMERICAN: Are you kidding me? We're slaves! We can't even use the kind of light bulb we want. And shoot, there's so many types of coffee, I can't decide. It's slavery, I tell ya! Oppression!

SUDANESE REFUGEE: I walked all dat way for this?

So remember, effective immediately, you're no longer allowed to compare taxes to slavery, or environmental regulations to living under the Nazis. When you do, you sound far more dramatic than a high school kid who can never get a date to the dance, who the girls think smells funny and who thinks he'll never find love. Now I'm allowed to use that analogy... because that used to be me.



Larry Nocella, CVO
Chief Vidiocy Officer

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Larry Nocella writes the blog ROFL: Random Outbursts From Lar! at He's the author of the novel Where Did This Come From? The world's first CarbonFree(R) novel according to The book is available as an Amazon Kindle eBook. It is also available for reading online. P.S. You don't need a Kindle to read Kindle eBooks. Download the FREE Kindle app for PC, Mac and smartphones. You can then purchase Kindle books or download free ones. Enjoy!