Tiny, Armed Group Marches Against Elite Rule While Threatening Majority-Elected Legislature

A tiny, armed group made several threats toward – and demands of – the majority-elected government.
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In Richmond, Virginia today, under a dozen heavily armed individuals, representing less than 0.001% of the population of the state, marched on the capitol building. The group delivered a list of demands to the majority-elected representatives inside.

“We’re here to let them know, we’ve got a solution for tyranny,” said Jared Kelvin, as he patted the barrel of his AR-15. “Any time a small clique thinks they know better than the people, we’re ready.”

Kelvin said he was the leader of a militia known as ‘Virginia Area Gunners.’ When asked how many Virginians he represented, he replied, “Four if you count my online girlfriend.”

The list of demands included several extreme pro-gun-rights measures that polls consistently show are hugely unpopular with citizens in the state. Among the most notable were “mandatory open-carry of firearms for all adult males,” and “arming all teachers and high-performing students in every school,” and “installing armed checkpoints at the entrances to all public parks and malls.”

“If it wasn’t for us,” Kelvin said, “we’d living in a police state, and being told what to do by a small group that thinks they’re better than the will of the people.”

While Kelvin spoke, the other demonstrators, in full online-purchased combat gear and arms, marched around in a tiny circle at the base of the capitol steps.

Despite the heated rhetoric and implicit threat of openly-carried high-power weaponry, no one was injured. Police reported a tense moment when the demonstration was overrun by a crowd of high school students disembarking from a tour bus, but the groups quickly separated.

As he left the list of demands on the state capitol steps, Kelvin continued shouting at the small, heavily-armed group.

What he said was drowned out by the schoolchildren clowning around.

Charmless, Cruel, Unintelligent, Incurious, Unstable, Humorless, Unfaithful, Disgusting, Unfit, Vile Man Never Lacks for Criticisms of Women

One example of a charmless, cruel, unintelligent, incurious, unstable, humorless, unfaithful, disgusting, unfit, vile man who regularly voices criticisms about women.

Today a charmless, cruel, unintelligent, incurious, unstable, unfaithful, humorless, disgusting, unfit, vile man launched yet another scathing critical tirade against a woman.

The man commented on the woman’s looks, intelligence, and many other traits, seemingly oblivious to the fact that if he was measured in the same categories, he would be wanting far more than his target.

“She’s fat,” said the unfit man. “She’s stupid,” said the same man, an unintelligent lout. “She’s crazy,” said the same man, an unstable buffoon. “She’s a slut,” said the same man, who is an unfaithful philanderer. “She’s gross,” said the same man, also a disgusting slug-turd.

And so on.

Far from an isolated incident, the man does this on a regular basis, clearly making no effort to improve any of his many objectively negative traits, but always being sure to bring up what he feels are shortcomings of women.

The man’s behavior was not unique. According to studies, many men share this combination of possessing every possible negative trait and a simultaneous compulsion to claim any woman or all women exhibit these same flaws.

When asked how he would feel if he was judged in the same manner, the charmless, cruel, unintelligent, incurious, unstable, humorless, unfaithful, disgusting, unfit, vile man simply shrugged.

“I call it how I see it,” he said with a charmless smile.

Doctor Jane Hofstader, professor of abnormal psychology at Norhemhaupt University, described this phenomenon.

“This condition doesn’t yet have a name, but we need one ASAP. Why is it always the most out of shape guy who criticizes women’s looks? Why is the guy with the least charm always finding fault with women’s personalities? The grossest men on the planet always have something to say about women. On and on.”

Hofstader took a deep breath before continuing. “It’s similar to the act of projection: accusing someone of what you are guilty of, but it’s more than that. It’s a weird form of self-hatred and unconscious self-punishment. They criticize women about things that are far truer of them than of anyone else. They live in a glass house, then point out the stones best used to throw at it.“

When asked if the label “asshole” would be sufficient to describe the condition, Hofstader was brief.

“Until we find some obscure combination of Greek and Latin, that will work.”

James Bond Dies from Impressive Collection of STDs

A cemetery like where James Bond was laid to rest.
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International spy, assassin, and insatiable womanizer, James Bond, also known as 007, passed away at the age of 48 from at least a dozen sexually transmitted diseases.

Attendees at his funeral included a diverse group of characters from Bond’s adventures.

Russian agent Madame Z. Titsalot was one of the mourners. Her two-inch steel fingernails, perfect for neck slashing, twinkled in the sunlight as she wiped away tears.

“I tell him,” she said. “Always use [the] condom. He [did] not listen.”

Even long-time Bond foes were in attendance. The terrorist mastermind of unspecified Eastern European origin, Rudolf Von Sinstar, stopped by to pay his respects.

“Bond was a worthy foe. I really thought my Brigade of Bikini Blade-mistresses would kill him. They had never failed me before. Instead, all five came back giggling like schoolgirls. It took hours of torture, but they finally admitted each one had slept with him. Two were pregnant.”

“I was enraged at the time,” Von Sinstar said, choking up. “But looking back, I should have been impressed.”

Other guests took turns recalling their favorite Bond moments. MI6 administrative assistant Miss Fullcarriage drew the biggest round of tearful laughs.

“Once while I was working at my desk, James leaned over, looked down my blouse, and said, ‘See if you can find some room in your carriage for me.’ So of course, I did. What woman could say no to him? I’ll never forget that evening. I still itch.”

After all the heartfelt tributes, the clock struck seven. A small explosive charge in the corpse’s genitals detonated, causing its penis to become erect. Bond’s long-time weapons and gadget manager, Q, held back a sniffle.

“My gift to you, old friend. One more for the long road, eh, double oh seven?”

Organizers of the Beautifully Divine Sacred Ministry Festival Realize Too Late They Should Have Chosen a Different Name

Attendees at the Beautifully Divine Sacred Ministry festival
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It’s the nation’s largest yearly gathering of evangelicals. Critics call it “Woodstock for America’s religious extremists.” Organizers call it the “Beautifully Divine Sacred Ministry festival.”

Attempting to attract a younger crowd, organizers abbreviated the name as the BDSM Festival. They encouraged the use of #BDSMfest on social media.

That’s when a wholly different demographic took notice.

Reverend Harold Melchior, spokesperson for the BDSM Festival, addressed the screw-up. 

“Of course, God loves everyone. He embraces all kinds. But I knew something was off when in walked a pale, shirtless man wearing a white studded bikini. He was holding hands with another man in pink chain-mail and feathery angel wings. I know the bible by heart and I’m certain there aren’t any passages that reference get-ups like that.”

Attendee Sally Calebsen felt the need to shield the eyes of her seven daughters. “We saw a group of three making a complete mockery of the holy family. The baby Jesus was a short hairy man wearing a tight black diaper. He was being carried by a woman, who from the fishnet robe, I guess was supposed to be Joseph. But Mary? Lord! Mary’s skirt was so tight it was see-through. And she was carrying a whip. And spanking the baby with it.”

“Let me tell you,” Mrs. Calebsen whispered. “That Mary was clearly not a virgin. I’m not even sure she was a she.”

“What a screw up,” Reverend Melchior said. “It was completely disrespectful. Hundreds of true Christians showed up but so did all those other folks. All of them half-naked and enduring torture. All we wanted to do was worship Jesus on the cross.”