HOW LOW CAN YOU GO? Social Media Influencer Monetizes Live Stream of His Descent to Hell

The youthful social media sphere was shaken to its core earlier this week following confirmation that that influencer Christopher “X-Treem” Mulligan had taken his own life.

Mulligan, 32, was host for one of the internet’s most popular live blogs, “The X-Treem Files.”

The daily three-hour video postings were long ramblings punctuated by stunts. Past hits included skateboarding off a roof, wearing one pair of underwear for five weeks, and setting himself on fire then trying to run fast enough to snuff out the flames.

Fans mourning Mulligan’s passing were surprised when a new video appeared in his feed.

“Hey everybody! It’s ya boy, X-Treem! You might be wondering why I’m in this dark tunnel with the rocks glowing red. That’s because I’m coming to you from the afterlife. That’s right. I’m descending into Hell. And it’s hotter than balls down here!”

“You may be wondering how I got here. I wasn’t sure if suicide was a sin, so I did a lot of bad stuff before I offed myself. To my neighbors, sorry about your twin babies. I had to do it, because I have the best fans and I’ll do anything for them.”

He laughed.

“And hey, remember to smash that like button. Share this stream. Right now I only got have a hundred thousand views. If I can get to half a mil, I’ll do something crazy down here. You got any ideas, type them in the comments.”

He wandered around a vast cave. The cavern floor was pockmarked with lava pools. Demons, their skin covered with thorns, tortured bodies hung on the rock walls.

Mulligan reviewed his cell phone.

“User megametal34 says ‘Go find Hitler.’ Dude. That is brilliant, bro. I will do that. Great idea. Yeah, Hitler is terrible but he’s had so many followers, so that’s got to count for something, right? Imagine all the clicks and views he could get!”

Mulligan panned across the enormous torture lair, watching the demons work.

“Oh snap, y’all!” he yelled. “Did you see that? Some demon tore out that guy’s heart. And look at this. This woman here, she’s trying to say something.”

The kneeling, bleeding woman held up a twitching moist slug-shaped of flesh.

“Oh, damn! They ripped out her tongue! Awesome!”

Suddenly the video feed darkened.

“Oh dang y’all! Check. This. Out. It’s Satan himself! The big dog. The biggest influencer of ALL TIME. Hey how you doing, bro?”

The darkness continued. Mulligan’s usually jolly voice broke.

“What do you mean I don’t get to go back? Not cool man! Not-”

The feed cut off. A debate has divided the fanbase since, opposing sides arguing whether the stunt was real or not.

As of this writing, the feed has had no further entries.

BLOWN AWAY BY KINDNESS! Neighborhood Stages Intervention to Help Obsessive Leaf-Blower Get a Life

“I never knew,” said Martin Bargleston. “Or maybe I did know, but just forgot. Over time, I guess I lost track of the idea that there is more to life than using my leaf-blower.”

The middle-aged suburbanite teared up as he gazed up and down his street.

“I guess this is what good neighbors are all about.”

He then looked down at several booklets he was holding. They were wrapped in a string and decorated with a bow. A small card read, “From ALL your neighbors. Near and far.”

“The whole neighborhood came together and gave me these. I found them on my doorstep.”

He flipped through the glossy flyers.

“Look at all these things I can do. In our own town! There’s bars, restaurants, a library, and sports! There are dozes, no, hundreds of classes at the community center. I could take up painting, pottery, even ballroom dancing!”

He looked to sky as he spoke.

“Turns out there’s more to life than waking before sunrise, starting my blower with a thunderous roar and then walking around with it rumbling until after sunset. All that time, I could be doing something else. Lots of things!”

Bargleston’s neighbors, who staged the intervention, were hesitant to discuss the matter and refused to give their names.

“None of us want to take credit for it. We wanted him to remind him we’re here, and we’re trying to sleep. Or maybe we’re just trying to think. Whatever. He woke us every morning and kept going all day. I wanted to run out and strangle him, but violence is never the answer.”

“I’m touched,” Bargleston said, “Truly touched. I never realized I had a problem. But they also anonymously emailed me a video. It was me with my leaf-blower. I chased a single leaf across the yard for a full two and three-quarters hours. Why didn’t I just bend over and grab it? All that time wasted!”

So what meaningful task or tasks will Bargleston do with his newfound free time?

“I’ve been thinking of washing my car by hand.”

YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT! Nation Reels as Event Caught on Video is Officially Acknowledged to Have Happened

Today, a weary nation struggled to recover, its foundations shaken an unprecedented event.

“No one could have seen this coming. No one,” said cable news anchor Jonathan R. Wrightly. “Who would have expected that an event caught on video, in public, during daylight hours, and seen by millions would be officially acknowledged to have happened?”

Wrightly was referring to a viral video that swept across social media last week. After careful review, endless analysis and a long journey through the black box of courtroom battle, a representative of the court — and therefore the government at large — issued a verdict that decided, in effect, that the thing everyone saw did actually happen.

“You can feel it in the air,” said Dr. Simone K. Torrens. “People are dazed. Disoriented. I’ve never prescribed so many emergency mood stabilizers in my twenty-year career. We’ve been here so many times before: Police murder someone on camera and receive no punishment. Homegrown terrorists attack the capitol, and politicians claim it wasn’t real. Wall Street tanks the economy, and the messaging from the powerful blames it on immigrants. But today…”

Dr. Torrens braced herself against a door frame. “It’s making me woozy just thinking about it. Today, instead of being told we can’t believe what we’re seeing… the powerful are telling us what we already know: that what we saw with our own eyes is exactly what we saw with our own eyes.”

Not everyone was overjoyed. Culture Warriors across the media landscape chimed in.

“What’s next? Are we all going to watch the same unedited video and then agree that it occurred?” said Shane D. Kyuk, a popular conservative blogger. “Are we all going to see the exact same footage and come away with the conclusion that what we all saw is in fact, what happened? I, for one, maintain my right to think independently. Just because you and I see the exact same footage doesn’t mean that we’re agreeing on anything.”

Another popular blogger, Liz M. Brewster, who writes about cultural affairs, took a more pensive approach.

“It’s frightening. Something fundamental has shifted. If things go on like this, people are going to have to learn that there are occasionally consequences for their actions. And I’m not sure that’s a world any of us are ready for.”

BOGO TO GO! Amazon offers Buy One Get One Free Bathroom Break to Employees if they Subscribe to Prime

Responding to damning reports on working conditions at Amazon (NASDAQ: AMZN) the online giant has launched an exclusive deal available only to employees.

There’s only one catch. To qualify for the “Buy One Get One Free Bathroom Break,” employees must pay the yearly fee to subscribe to Amazon’s Prime service.

The deal currently has a solid five-star rating, accumulated from over 30,000 reviews. Critics have noted that all the reviews appeared immediately as soon as the page went live.

“Best. Prime Benefit. Ever. Five stars!” reads the first review on the Buy One Get One Free Bathroom Break product page, authored by Jon Q. Ihateunions.

“Two bathroom breaks? In one day? I’m so excited about this, I wet myself. Working at Amazon is the best!” wrote Jane Q. Unionsarebad.

“This is the best deal at Amazon since the last deal at Amazon,” read another review, left by Joseph Q. Votenounion. “And I can assure you, it won’t be as good as the next one! I only wish I could gift this deal! I’d buy some for my co-workers! Imagine how cool it would be if everyone got an additional two bathroom breaks!”

Despite the offering, the deal is still not enough to satisfy labor advocates. Several pro-worker groups put questions to the Amazon executive team.

When asked about the morality of working conditions so intense that employees must urinate in bottles, one anonymous spokesperson responded, “Morality? Where do I get that? Can you send me a link to the product page?”

A second anonymous source at Amazon teased a second Prime benefit in the works. This one also would be exclusive to employees who subscribe to Prime. It too is an attempt to deflect criticism.

“It’s a tribute to the people who work so hard make this company run,” the source said. “One thousand lucky employees, chosen by random draw, will have their names engraved on Mr. Bezos’ in-progress super-yacht.”

Above or below the waterline?

“Below, of course.”