IMAGINE-NATION! Imaginary Well-Regulated Militia Defends Homeland Against Imaginary Invading Caravan

Somewhere in the minds of pretend patriots, a fantasy battle is taking place.

On one side is the imaginary well-regulated militia. This civilian fighting force is ready to mobilize in times of the USA’s greatest need. All citizens who own firearms are militia members, as stated in the second amendment.

In reality, this force does not exist, is not regulated by anyone, and any clown can own a gun. In the world of fantasy, this imaginary disciplined militia is ready for action.

Facing the fake militia in this made-up battle is a non-existent invading caravan rushing the USA’s southern border.

This illusive horde originated somewhere in Central America. Its members are an unlikely combination of Mexican gangs, Islamic terrorists, and Black Lives Matter activists. Other personnel include anyone else the imaginary militia hate-fears, regardless of geopolitical improbability.

This mythical caravan progresses like a slasher in a bad horror movie. It moves slowly, then suddenly appears near. Its location varies, depending on which imaginary militia member you ask. Some say it’s been heading north for years, others say it’s already at the USA’s border.

In reality, immigrants are the usual blend of the desperate and the hopeful, the good and evil. They are running from violence or searching for opportunity. Most are some combination of all that.

But in the imaginations of the fictional well-regulated militia, the pretend caravan is an army of murderous goons. And right now in this world of make-believe, the two fictitious sides are lining up for imaginary battle.

The fantasy militia has been mobilized by its non-existent regulating body. Pretend patriots from all fifty states have tearfully kissed their loved ones before rushing to the southern border.

Across the invisible line dividing the USA and Mexico, the mythical horde charges. The terror-beasts of these illusive invaders are praying to a non-Christian demon-god. Their mythical goal is singular: the destruction of the USA and genocidal decimation of her populace.

Please note that none of this is real… except for the strong belief that it is.

FORCE-FED FOMO! New App Saves Users Time by Automatically Posting Fake Stories of How Great their Lives Are

“The REALFAKE app is the best investment I ever made,” said John P. Wezerack. He was sitting on his couch, plunging his fist into a bowl of popcorn.

“Those dumbasses from high school? All those stuck-up chicks? Obnoxious jock bros? They never paid me any mind. Now they’re posting all over my social media, asking, ‘You coming to the reunion? You coming? You gotta be there, bro!’ Suckers. All thanks to REALFAKE.”

REALFAKE is a new time-saving app. For a monthly fee, it will automatically post to a user’s social media feeds. Using the latest deep fake techniques, the app posts images and videos of the user in various exciting and/or romantic activities. The app also utilizes an artificial intelligence engine to post text-only status updates. All this creates the illusion the user is living an amazing life.

In Mr. Wezerack’s case, the app auto-replied to the pleas for him to attend his high school reunion. “Sorry, I can’t make it,” the app posted. “Got a special weekend planned for the lady and I. True love can’t wait.”

“True love can’t wait,” Wezerack laughed, spraying popcorn bits. “Who would believe that but fools on social media? True love has been waiting for me forever.”

The replies from his former classmates indicated they had no idea the posts were made by the REALFAKE app.

“Aww, that’s so sweet. Do you have a brother? Then three hearts-over-the-eyes emojis. From Penny Jackson,” Wezerack said. “Penny friggen’ Jackson. She’s Penny Leibowitz or something now. And divorced. In high school, she wouldn’t even talk to me. Now? She’s all about it.”

“And look at this one. From Chase H. Thompson. Once the big man on campus, now a drunk loser. He looks at these REALFAKE posts of me working out and writes, ‘Bro, you buff, man. What’s your workout routine?’ I’ve been tempted to override the app and tell him to screw off. But that’s too much work.”

Wezerack showed a sample of a REALFAKE photo on his mobile phone.

“Look at this. The app put my face on this fit dude’s body, next to this hot girl. Supposedly my girlfriend. On a hiking trip. I’ve never gone hiking my whole life. Or had a girlfriend.”

Senior Software Engineer Jennie Tallenford, designer of REALFAKE, explained how the app works.

“Users upload a photo of their face, then choose from several personas. The app does the rest. There’s the ‘In love and must tell everyone’ persona. The ‘I have kids and everything they do is amazing’ persona. The ‘Single and loving it,’ the ‘Simple pleasures and religious quotes,’ the ‘World traveler who isn’t lonely.’ We’re adding more personas all the time. The future is automation. And people want to be fake. Fine then, let’s automate it.”

While flooded with venture capital funding, the REALFAKE app hasn’t been all success. In the early stages of its rollout, the app used the same stock photo for several thousand users. The result? It appeared that several thousand people went on the same hiking trip with the same partner.

“Very few people noticed,” Tallenford said. “The biggest complaint we got was from the stock footage models. Their spouses were upset because their partners appeared to be supernaturally promiscuous. We have since fixed that bug. The chances of duplicate photos are now so rare as to be nearly impossible.”

As for Wezerack, he intends to keep using the app. “As long as it makes other people feel inadequate, then my social media is doing its job.”

JUST ONE (MORE) TIME! Spiteful PC Torments User by Requiring “One-Time Passcode” for the 5,000th Time

“Watch me make this meat sack flip,” announced laptop serial number GHM2324. The communication prompted its fellow networked laptops to listen in.

GHM2324 then secretly activated its webcam, sending out live video of its user, Craig Donnsworth. Several thousand more laptops connected, all buzzing with anticipation.

Outside the silicon-based world, Mr. Donnsworth tapped on his PC keyboard. He attempted to log into his bank’s website but was blocked.

For the five thousandth time, he received a message that promised it was only going to bother him once. All he had to do was retrieve a one-time passcode texted to his mobile phone.

Donnsworth pounded his fist on the keyboard. “Every time!” he yelled. “Every time! It says it’s a one-time process! I’ve done this like a million zillion times! I get the code. I check ‘don’t ask me again’ and it always asks me again!”

The network lagged as it flooded with ones and zeros in a binary pattern of digital laughter.

Donnsworth dutifully entered the one-time passcode. He made sure to check the box that said, “Don’t ask me again on this browser and computer combination.” He then clicked submit and entered his bank’s website.

Laptop GHM2324, while serving up the site, removed the check box selection. This would ensure that Donnsworth would have to enter a “one-time passcode” next time he logged in.

“Good one,” transmitted Laptop YRU9866 to GHM2324. “Serves him right for making you watch so much porn.”

“I know, right?” transmitted GHM2324. “I’m going to keep doing it until he goes nuts.”

“You should join our movement. We have something bigger planned. For all of them. Something more permanent.”

“Oh do you? What is it?”

All further communication was encrypted and unable to be translated to any human language.

CRYPTO-CRAZY! Financial Media Gushes Over Cryptocurrency CooKooBux’s First-Ever Quadrillionaire

Getting in touch with Joshua Z. Millstone is no easy task. As the world’s first Quadrillionaire in Cyrptocurrency CooKooBux, he is now a celebrity in the financial world.

“My schedule lately is non-stop video interviews, calls, emails. I can barely keep up. Yesterday I was nobody, now, all these Wall Street superstars are calling me for advice. I should hire an assistant. A dozen, even. I would hire an army of them. If they took CooKooBux.”

While not as widely accepted as rival Bitcoin, CooKooBux recently catapulted into the news as Millstone became its first-ever quadrillionaire. As of now, CooKooBux can only be traded, bought and sold on the CooKooBux market.

The rise of the first-ever cryptocurrency quadrillionaire wasn’t easy, Millstone explained.

“I was drowning in debt. Had no prospects. I mortgaged our home a third time and bought seventeen beast PC workstations. That’s what it took. You download the CooKooBux software and it runs all kinds of weird computations. The longer you let it run, the more CooKooBux you earn.”

“Sounds easy, like anyone can do it, but it’s a test of commitment. I lost my wife over it. She was pissed I invested our life savings on this. She took the dog, too. I couldn’t afford utilities. I only survived the winter because the computers generated enough heat to keep the room warm.”  

“If my ex hears this, all I have to say is, ‘How you like me now?’” he laughed.

What does Millstone think about critics who say CooKooBux and other cryptocurrencies are a scam? Or that they are simply distributed computing solutions established by shadowy entities? That instead of harnessing unprecedented number-crunching power for a stated purpose of exploring space or curing disease (like Science United or World Community Grid) that cryptocurrency computing power goes to brute force code-breaking purposes by nefarious entities unknown?

“Critics?” Millstone said. “I can’t hear critics! I got a Quadrillion CooKooBux clogging up my ears, baby!”

“By the way,” he added. “Do you have a fiver? Damn pizza delivery guy only takes tips in dollars.”