Organizers of the Beautifully Divine Sacred Ministry Festival Realize Too Late They Should Have Chosen a Different Name

Attendees at the Beautifully Divine Sacred Ministry festival
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It’s the nation’s largest yearly gathering of evangelicals. Critics call it “Woodstock for America’s religious extremists.” Organizers call it the “Beautifully Divine Sacred Ministry festival.”

Attempting to attract a younger crowd, organizers abbreviated the name as the BDSM Festival. They encouraged the use of #BDSMfest on social media.

That’s when a wholly different demographic took notice.

Reverend Harold Melchior, spokesperson for the BDSM Festival, addressed the screw-up. 

“Of course, God loves everyone. He embraces all kinds. But I knew something was off when in walked a pale, shirtless man wearing a white studded bikini. He was holding hands with another man in pink chain-mail and feathery angel wings. I know the bible by heart and I’m certain there aren’t any passages that reference get-ups like that.”

Attendee Sally Calebsen felt the need to shield the eyes of her seven daughters. “We saw a group of three making a complete mockery of the holy family. The baby Jesus was a short hairy man wearing a tight black diaper. He was being carried by a woman, who from the fishnet robe, I guess was supposed to be Joseph. But Mary? Lord! Mary’s skirt was so tight it was see-through. And she was carrying a whip. And spanking the baby with it.”

“Let me tell you,” Mrs. Calebsen whispered. “That Mary was clearly not a virgin. I’m not even sure she was a she.”

“What a screw up,” Reverend Melchior said. “It was completely disrespectful. Hundreds of true Christians showed up but so did all those other folks. All of them half-naked and enduring torture. All we wanted to do was worship Jesus on the cross.”