Sign Language Interpreter for Presidential Press Conferences to be Replaced with Person Miming Jerking Off

Sample screen grab of person miming jerking off during presidential press conferences.
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All major networks have agreed to replace the sign language interpreter for the president’s press conferences with someone miming jerking off.

The cooler among us refer to the gesture as “the pantomime wank of contempt.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one producer behind the decision explained.

“We know the president is at best, spinning information to make himself look good. At worst — and I should add, more likely — he’s lying.”

Not everyone was fan of the move. Barbara Winslow of Family Friendly Media, a faith-based watchdog group, condemned the change.

“How am I supposed to explain to my teenage boys what that motion means? My sons spend all their time locked in their rooms praying. They pray so hard that when I knock, they yell for me not to come in. They won’t know what that person is doing.”

The anonymous producer defended the move.

“There’s no better way to convey to our deaf and non-deaf audience what is being said by the president…. and the seriousness with which you should take it.”

What does the president himself think?

The producer laughed. “What does the president think? Does the president think at all? That’s the question.”

Sleepy, Stoned, and/or Drunk Americans Stagger Off Couch Surprised to Find That After Years of Neglect, Their Democracy is Infested with Scumbags

One of millions of Americans surprised to find their democracy isn’t running itself.
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Americans continued their decades-long habit of waking slowly after another night of drinking, smoking, and bingeing TV. This time, however, they were surprised to notice that their democracy isn’t running itself, and is in fact overrun with morons, scumbags, and criminals.

“I thought I didn’t have to worry about that stuff,” said Bob Smallson, as he brushed nacho chip crumbs from his shirt. “Some nerd on TV said something about voting. But I went outside twice this week already. I’ve got videogames to finish. Don’t they have laser beams that can see into my brain and know who I’d vote for?”

When informed that increased wage taxes proposed by the government would make buying videogames harder, Smallson took notice. “Whatever. Someone will stop them, I’m sure,” he said before collapsing onto the couch.

Other Americans expressed similar confidence.

“Attend council meetings?” asked Jennifer Harding, as she gathered wine bottles emptied last night. “That sounds like work. I already have a job and I don’t plan on staying there forever. Someday I’ll retire.”

When informed that the government was planning to drain her retirement funds to pay Wall Street, Harding scoffed. “Oh, they won’t do that. They know people are against it.” She then downed a glass of wine and belched.

Henry Pallawicz also defended his years of inaction.

“I was strolling in the mall when some dude with a clipboard asked me to sign a petition. Rude! He said blah blah preserving our democracy blah blah. I was gonna sign it just to make him go away, but I was holding a doughnut in each hand, so… oh well.”

Pallawicz was skeptical of the petitioner’s motives.

“Why is he collecting signatures? Didn’t one of the founding fathers say something like ‘Set it and forget it?’ I thought they did. They didn’t? Well they should have.”

Aliens Issue Travel Advisory Warning for All of Earth

Do not be tricked by its peaceful appearance. This planet is dangerous.
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The Galactic Federation’s Governing Board of Networked Artificial Intelligences issued a dire travel warning today, alerting all sentient member species to avoid Earth at all costs.

“While human creatures populate only a small portion of the planet,” the warning said, “Their negative impact is felt across the entire orb. They may be largely confined to landmasses, but do not be fooled. Humans are deadly to outsiders, their own planet’s ecosystem and each other. It’s a mystery how they have evolved this far. Stay away.”

In the past, Earth has provided Federation members with popular attractions and activities, including flying over cars on rural highways at night, dissecting cows, and abducting humans.

Recently, however, several deadly encounters have proven that Earth is far more dangerous than it appears. Among the incidents:

  • A hive-mind of Greys, attempting to present themselves as friendly visitors, were obliterated by humans using primitive firearms.
  • A second Grey-carrying ship was incinerated after being shot down by human-made drones.
  • A band of Reptiloids drowned after landing their space craft on a glacier that melted due to human activity warming the planet beyond life-sustaining levels.
  • A delegation of Little Greens, attempting to deliver life-span-extending tech to the humans, were kidnapped and dissected alive at an air force base.

Despite the risks, some planned on ignoring the travel warning. Glorgix Z’Klonyran, spokes-beast of the Radonkulon species, expressed its skepticism.

“The government lies. They just want to control us. Everyone needs to stay calm. I’ve been going to Earth for centuries and I’m just fine. I’ll be going again soon. Nothing is going to keep me from racking up another notch on my anal probe.”

Local Voter Swayed by Dizzying Array of Lawn Signs

Tons of lawn signs are proof of a working democracy.
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Local voter Sarah Giles reported that her decision on who to vote for was decided by the incredible amount of lawn signs she saw on the way to the voting booth.

“Come election day morning,” she said, “I was still undecided on who to elect for Township Supervisor. Should I go for Hinkelstein or Bloomquist? Hinkelstein? Bloomquist? I didn’t know.”

“But life goes on, right? I have to vote then go to work. So, I start driving to the polling place. I see a sign here for Bloomquist, a sign there for Hinkelstein. I’m still at a loss.”

“Then it happened. I’m less than a few blocks from the polling place when suddenly I see a yard that has twenty lawn signs. All for Hinkelstein. That’s when I knew. I was certain. Hinkelstein all the way.”

Through the mundane medium of lawn signs, Giles saw mystical forces at work.

“The universe was telling me something. There were twenty of those lawn signs. Twenty! I pulled my car over and counted.”

But what about candidate Amanda Hinkelstein’s policy positions?

“No idea about that stuff,” Giles said. “But I know she’s the right person for the job. If there had only been nineteen signs, I don’t know. I probably would still be stuck in the voting booth, undecided. But they put out twenty, and that sealed the deal.”