Sleepy, Stoned, and/or Drunk Americans Stagger Off Couch Surprised to Find That After Years of Neglect, Their Democracy is Infested with Scumbags

One of millions of Americans surprised to find their democracy isn’t running itself.
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Americans continued their decades-long habit of waking slowly after another night of drinking, smoking, and bingeing TV. This time, however, they were surprised to notice that their democracy isn’t running itself, and is in fact overrun with morons, scumbags, and criminals.

“I thought I didn’t have to worry about that stuff,” said Bob Smallson, as he brushed nacho chip crumbs from his shirt. “Some nerd on TV said something about voting. But I went outside twice this week already. I’ve got videogames to finish. Don’t they have laser beams that can see into my brain and know who I’d vote for?”

When informed that increased wage taxes proposed by the government would make buying videogames harder, Smallson took notice. “Whatever. Someone will stop them, I’m sure,” he said before collapsing onto the couch.

Other Americans expressed similar confidence.

“Attend council meetings?” asked Jennifer Harding, as she gathered wine bottles emptied last night. “That sounds like work. I already have a job and I don’t plan on staying there forever. Someday I’ll retire.”

When informed that the government was planning to drain her retirement funds to pay Wall Street, Harding scoffed. “Oh, they won’t do that. They know people are against it.” She then downed a glass of wine and belched.

Henry Pallawicz also defended his years of inaction.

“I was strolling in the mall when some dude with a clipboard asked me to sign a petition. Rude! He said blah blah preserving our democracy blah blah. I was gonna sign it just to make him go away, but I was holding a doughnut in each hand, so… oh well.”

Pallawicz was skeptical of the petitioner’s motives.

“Why is he collecting signatures? Didn’t one of the founding fathers say something like ‘Set it and forget it?’ I thought they did. They didn’t? Well they should have.”