Studies Show We’re Going to Believe Whatever the Hell We Want Regardless of What Studies Show

Who needs data and statistics when we can just believe what we want?
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Recent studies have proven that we’re going to believe whatever the hell we want. No amount of evidence is going to change our minds.

Sometimes a study proves us wrong. When that happens we ignore it. We say it’s biased or invalid or somehow done wrong – as if we know squat about how to conduct a study.

We’ll echo the jargon some cable news talking head spews. We’ll say something like “This isn’t a study, it’s a meta-analysis.” We have no idea what that means. We ignore that the talking head is on TV because he’s actually a lobbyist, but hell, we’ll go with it. Anything we can do push aside the idea we might be wrong.

In the cases where a study proves us right, we’ll claim it was perfect. It won’t matter if it wasn’t. We wouldn’t know, anyway. What do we know about statistical collection? Or poll methods?

Donkey dick. That’s what. We’re going to believe what we want and that’s that.

We don’t care about facts. Unless they support what we want them to. Then facts are important.

So, go ahead! Shuffle the tarot cards, see patterns in numbers and messages in animal guts. Skip the data. We’ll just believe what we want. 

Last thing: just because I’m writing this doesn’t mean I’m exempt. I know I’m not. None of us are. For all our shiny gadgets, we’re still just a bunch of primitives howling at the moon.

Thanks for listening, boss. I’ll file another story before deadline, I just needed to vent. Don’t publish this, okay?

Social Media Influencer Brings Film Crew to Record Spontaneous Act of Selfless Kindness

Ride-share driver Omar Naderi in happier times.
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Several people surrounded ride-share driver Omar Naderi’s car.

“I was scared,” he said. “I get carjacking twice. Hassled by immigration many times. But I am [a] citizen. New citizen, but yes, citizen.”

Naderi wiped away tears and tapped his chest to represent his pounding heart.

“I think carjacking first. People stand [in] front of car, screaming. Then I see [a] camera, makeup person, someone with boom mic. Several others. I [have a] feeling this [is the] strangest car theft ever. Or new immigration shakedown.”

It was neither.

The dozen people converging on Naderi’s car were a film crew and extras playing surprised bystanders. They were led by social media influencer Michelle Kuzenbrotz,. The crew was filming a segment for her media feeds called “The Daily Spontaneous Act of Selfless Kindness.”

The posted video shows a quivering Naderi cracking open his window. Kuzenbrotz slips a twenty-dollar bill into the space.

“You’re live!” she screams, while knocking hard on the window. “Open up! This is a surprise act of kindness! Isn’t that great?”

“I am late for [my] next ride,” Naderi says, tossing the bill back out the window. As he attempts to drive off, Kuzenbrotz leaps in front of the car.

“Hold up!” she yells, banging the hood. She points at Naderi. “Say how thankful you are to my millions of fans!”

“Thank you. Now please. I must go,” he whimpers, voice cracking.

“Aww, look at that,” Kuzenbrotz says, signaling the cameraman to zoom in. “He’s crying. We’re doing good here, people.”

Still blocking the car, she narrates the end of the clip. “Now it’s up to you, legions of fans! Let’s make this video go viral! And give your girl a follow for more spontaneous kindness!”

Content Warnings Fail to Soothe Those with Fear of Seeing Lizards Having Sex

These lizards could have sex at any moment. You never know.
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All Shane Belwether wants is to watch TV in peace. For now, it’s not to be.

“TV warnings address so many horrible things,” he said. “You always see ‘This program contains violence, assault, nudity, coarse language.’ But what about my biggest fear? What if I see lizards having sex?”

Belwether fought back tears.

“Sure, I watch courtroom dramas, but you never know.”

The TV Rating Authority advises networks on what content to flag before a program. Spokesperson Melanie Fortnam commented on Mr. Belwether’s concerns.

“We alert viewers to rational fears most likely to trigger a negative response. We can’t address every single phobia.”

Belwether was unmoved. “They’re well-intentioned, but then what’s the point? Why put a warning for nudity before a show called ‘Love Secrets’? Or for violence in a film called ‘SlasherWorld’? How hard would it be to include ‘This show contains scenes of lizard sex.’ What about me?”

Fortnam countered. “How could we possibly list everything in the show someone might be afraid of?”

We conveyed this to Belwether.

“Then they need to change their mission,” he said. “Stop warnings about what the show contains. Provide assurances for what it does NOT contain. A movie could begin with, ‘This film does not portray any lizard sex.’ That could warn sensitive viewers.”

Fortnam declined to comment further.

“The TV Rating Authority messed with the wrong person,” Belwether said, furious at being ignored. He’s started a advocacy group, SUPAWLS (Standing Up for People Afraid of Witnessing Lizard Sex.) He’s considered hiring a lawyer.

“I dream of a day when I can relax while watching TV,” he said. “Without my finger hovering over the remote, ready to change the channel if I see … well, you know. That.”

As of this writing, his organization has no members.

Third Baseman Sets Major League Baseball Record With Average of 19 Crotch Adjustments Per Inning

Stonemeyer working his magic.
Our lawyers required us to obscure the player face and team name for “legal reasons.” It’s okay to leave his crotch grab clear as day, though.

Richard “Rusty” Stonemeyer (third baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies) adjusted his nutsack 19 times during a regular-season game against the Washington Nationals.

The nearly twenty junk-grabs break a long-standing record of 15, set by Phil “Beanstalk” Bergens in 1981.

While pro baseball is over 100 years old, crotch adjustments per inning, or CAPI, was first tracked in 1972. Data analysts soon discovered there was a correlation between elevated CAPI and winning percentage. Simply put: the more crotch adjustments per inning, the more a team is likely to win. Statisticians warn that correlation is not causation, but some are already convinced.

General Manager David “John” MacElrain of the Phillies praised his left foul-line lieutenant.

“Most guys grab themselves and try to be sneaky about it. Stonemeyer? He’s an artist. Scratching, slapping, shuffling. The more he does it, the more we win. Call it superstition if you want, but data doesn’t lie.”

Even division rivals share a grudging respect. Nationals Slugger Alfonso “Petey” Robinson tipped his hat. “Opponents try anything to break your focus when you’re batting. No one does that better than Stonemeyer. It’s hard to concentrate when I keep seeing him touching himself.”

Most players peak with an average CAPI of six. Elite beanbag-jugglers get up to ten but can’t sustain it. When it comes to mangling his genitals before a televised audience, Stonemeyer is king. Some have even whispered accusations about Performance Enhancing Drugs.

To date, Stonemeyer has passed all drug screening tests.

“I work hard,” he said, “I get in the zone. Anyone who thinks I’m juicing? They’re just jealous. I do what I do to win.”

For those wondering, he adjusted his crotch three times while making that statement.