Third Baseman Sets Major League Baseball Record With Average of 19 Crotch Adjustments Per Inning

Stonemeyer working his magic.
Our lawyers required us to obscure the player face and team name for “legal reasons.” It’s okay to leave his crotch grab clear as day, though.

Richard “Rusty” Stonemeyer (third baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies) adjusted his nutsack 19 times during a regular-season game against the Washington Nationals.

The nearly twenty junk-grabs break a long-standing record of 15, set by Phil “Beanstalk” Bergens in 1981.

While pro baseball is over 100 years old, crotch adjustments per inning, or CAPI, was first tracked in 1972. Data analysts soon discovered there was a correlation between elevated CAPI and winning percentage. Simply put: the more crotch adjustments per inning, the more a team is likely to win. Statisticians warn that correlation is not causation, but some are already convinced.

General Manager David “John” MacElrain of the Phillies praised his left foul-line lieutenant.

“Most guys grab themselves and try to be sneaky about it. Stonemeyer? He’s an artist. Scratching, slapping, shuffling. The more he does it, the more we win. Call it superstition if you want, but data doesn’t lie.”

Even division rivals share a grudging respect. Nationals Slugger Alfonso “Petey” Robinson tipped his hat. “Opponents try anything to break your focus when you’re batting. No one does that better than Stonemeyer. It’s hard to concentrate when I keep seeing him touching himself.”

Most players peak with an average CAPI of six. Elite beanbag-jugglers get up to ten but can’t sustain it. When it comes to mangling his genitals before a televised audience, Stonemeyer is king. Some have even whispered accusations about Performance Enhancing Drugs.

To date, Stonemeyer has passed all drug screening tests.

“I work hard,” he said, “I get in the zone. Anyone who thinks I’m juicing? They’re just jealous. I do what I do to win.”

For those wondering, he adjusted his crotch three times while making that statement.