Barfly Mashing Cans on His Forehead is Confident Global Warming is a Myth

Interior of the Down-N-Out pub, where “Crunch” smashes beer cans on his forehead and shares his thoughts on Global Warming.
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At the Down-N-Out bar, they know “Crunch” for two things. One is smashing beer cans on his head. The other is his eloquently stated conviction that Global Warming is a myth.

“You wouldn’t expect those in the same person,” said Molly Keens, bartender. “He’s here every day. Grunts to order. Guzzles. Burps. Smashes the can on his forehead. I don’t think he knows too many words. Unless.”

Unless what?

“Well, if he overhears someone say the words ‘Global Warming’ or ‘Climate Change,’ he goes off. If there’s a news story about it on the TV, he rants for a good ten minutes.”

The first time Keens heard “Crunch” explaining why he felt Climate Change was a hoax, she was spellbound.

“I said, ‘Wow, Crunch. I had no idea you knew so much about climatology. Or all those big, fancy words. Where did you study that?’ He mumbled, ‘Crunch like beer.’ That was it.”

“Crazy, isn’t it?” Keens continued. “What are the chances? A guy who seems to have only one skill – smashing beer cans on his forehead – is also an expert in climate science? I personally don’t know the first thing about climatology. But Crunch? He’s not only confident enough to talk about it, but also to say that most scientists are wrong.”

After some negotiation, Keens agreed to an experiment. We placed our reporter on the stool next to “Crunch.” During a lull in the pub’s buzz, he said, “climate change” aloud.

“Crunch” leapt off his barstool and began pacing the floor. He spoke loudly and confidently, addressing no one. We recorded the entire rant and transcribed it.

A brief online search found a match. “Crunch” was repeating points from Fueling Our Future. The fossil-fuel industry lobbying group produces tons of online content aimed at the “low information voter” demographic.

Bartender Keens was disappointed. “I should have known something was off,” she said. “After six beers, my customers don’t usually go from zero to scientist. But he spoke so confidently. Oh well.”

Pressing One for English Nearly Kills Man Who Refused to Apologize for Post of American Flag

The final social media post of a self-described “American Badass”
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Six-foot-five, three-hundred-pound self-described “American Badass” John Bingsten collapsed yesterday. He remains in critical condition.

Bingsten fainted shortly after posting a photo of the American flag to social media. He added the caption, “I will not apolgize(sic) for posting this!”

Within the hour, EMTs wheeled him into the emergency room. Dr. Rajeesh Hajatmandani, the receiving doctor, spoke to reporters.

“The patient lost consciousness after a phone service asked him to press one for English. This began a panic attack brought on by uncontrolled rage.”

Bingsten’s girlfriend, Britanny Smith, fought back tears as she recalled finding him.

“He was on the floor seizing and crying. I kept asking what was wrong. All he did was weep. Like a baby. I can still see his tears running down his favorite motorcycle vest. The one that says ‘Kill ‘em all and let Allah sort ‘em out.’ He was twitching. Shaking. Foaming at the mouth.”

Bingsten was clutching his phone and his sewer bill. Authorities say he encountered the automated menu attempting to call his sewer company. The simple request was too much for him to take and he collapsed.

Friends and family shared their anger on social media. Several replied to Bingsten’s post.

“John was right to not apolgezi(sic),” read one post.

“Delate(sic) this,” read another. “I hold every non-English speaker responsible.” The comments included a dozen American flag icons and several middle finger emojis.

When asked who was demanding Mr. Bingsten apologize for posting the flag, Ms. Smith said, “You know who I mean. A whole bunch of people. If the stupid sewer company didn’t cater to them, my boyfriend wouldn’t be in the hospital.”

There’s a final twist to this sad tale. Phone records show the final call from Mr. Bingsten’s phone was one number off from his sewer company. He had actually dialed a textile company based in Mexico. A statement issued by the company expressed sympathy to the loved ones.

“I still blame them,” Ms. Smith said.

When asked if her boyfriend could have simply pressed one and moved on, Ms. Smith was brief.

“No. Of course not. He did what any God-loving, true-blood American would do. He got angry.”

Men’s Org. Sues for Right of Males to “man-struate.” SCOTUS Expected to Rule in Their Favor.

The Supreme Court building. Where arguments are heard before a ruling is delivered in favor of big money.
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The U.S. Supreme Court will hear arguments in the lawsuit Men Allied Nationwide (MAN) v. United States this week.

David Armstrong, chief executive of MAN, explains. “A woman has one day a month where she’s got an excuse for everything she does wrong. I want the same right for me. For all men.”

Armstrong’s solution? Allow men to declare one day a month their “man-struation” day.

“On that day,” Armstrong says, “Men can be rude. They can screw things up. They can be as moody as they like. And there will be no ramifications. Exactly like when women are on their periods.”

The defense has called the lawsuit a waste of time. They say it clogs an overburdened judicial system with “performative litigation.” Armstrong agrees.

“That’s exactly what I’m doing,” he said. “I want to show the absurdity of women having rights that men don’t. I thought I’d be laughed out of court, but I’m surprised it’s gone this far.”

So, if the plaintiff finds his own case absurd, what is driving the case forward?

Enter hygiene product industry front group, Health and Cleanliness for All. The organization represents manufacturers of several products from tampons to toilet paper. Spokesperson Reginald Biggleson addressed the lawsuit.

“Man-struation needs are a billion-dollar untapped market, but that’s beside the point. Men need sanitary products tailored for them. Tiny tampons for their pee holes. Man-itary napkins. If we legitimize man-struation, it will boost our economy and create jobs. We’ll also be supporting equal rights for all. That’s important, too.”

Women’s rights groups are against the notion. Most refused comment lest they give the stunt more publicity. Speaking off the record, one women’s rights leader said, “These men are bozos. They have no idea how menstruation works. Plus, women don’t have extra rights because of PMS.”

Where does this leave us? All sides claim the suit is ridiculous.

But if there’s one thing recent history has taught us, it’s that SCOTUS always rules in favor of big money.

Get ready for man-struation coming to a penis near you.

Would-Be Thief Slips In Puddle Of Urine After Armed Citizen Fearfully Wets Self

The entrance to El Bodega Loco, where an armed citizen stopped a robbery.
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The attempted robbery at El Bodega Loco could have ended like any other theft. A ski-mask-wearing bandit storms in, jabs his gun at the cashier and runs out with money.

But this time was different. This time, a customer in the store was armed.

Cashier Ramón Canteres described the scene.

“Big Man comes in often. Gets his pop, moves on. We chat sometimes. Usually he on about conceal-carry gun rights. Showed me his pistol once. He always wearing t-shirts with pro-gun patriot fight-the-government slogans. Little tense, but he all right.”

It was just another evening when mystery hero “Big Man” was in the back, getting his drink from the cooler.

“That’s when bandito shows up,” Cantares said. “I was scared, not lying, but I’m thinkin’ you came to the wrong place, amigo! Big Man behind you and he packin’ a nine.”

But the unknown customer “Big Man” didn’t move.

“While this pendejo screaming ‘Give me cash!’ I go slow. Give Big Man time to draw, right? But he just standing there. Looked terrified, you know? He already white, now he whiter than white, whiter than milk. I’m talking to him with my eyes. Like, this is it, bro. What you been waiting for. But Big Man frozen, eyes huge.”

“Big Man” never did draw his weapon. Mr. Cantares expressed his disappointment.

“Bummer, but it’s okay. Lost money bad but we gonna live, right? So, el bandito takes the cash and runs. I’m about to ring up the five oh when robber guy slips and falls! Wipes the [expletive] out. Hits his head on the door frame. Bang! Out cold. As in no más.”

While the would-be thief lay unconscious, Big Man slipped out of the store without a word.

“He took off,” Cantares said. “Left his drink. Said nothing. That’s when I noticed the dark stain in his pants. I come around the cash box and almost slipped and broke my ass, too. From where Big Man was standing all down the aisle, there’s a puddle of piss. Big Man stopped him all right. That mother-[expletive] wet his pants.”