The U.S. Supreme Court will hear arguments in the lawsuit Men Allied Nationwide (MAN) v. United States this week.
David Armstrong, chief executive of MAN, explains. “A woman has one day a month where she’s got an excuse for everything she does wrong. I want the same right for me. For all men.”
Armstrong’s solution? Allow men to declare one day a month their “man-struation” day.
“On that day,” Armstrong says, “Men can be rude. They can screw things up. They can be as moody as they like. And there will be no ramifications. Exactly like when women are on their periods.”
The defense has called the lawsuit a waste of time. They say it clogs an overburdened judicial system with “performative litigation.” Armstrong agrees.
“That’s exactly what I’m doing,” he said. “I want to show the absurdity of women having rights that men don’t. I thought I’d be laughed out of court, but I’m surprised it’s gone this far.”
So, if the plaintiff finds his own case absurd, what is driving the case forward?
Enter hygiene product industry front group, Health and Cleanliness for All. The organization represents manufacturers of several products from tampons to toilet paper. Spokesperson Reginald Biggleson addressed the lawsuit.
“Man-struation needs are a billion-dollar untapped market, but that’s beside the point. Men need sanitary products tailored for them. Tiny tampons for their pee holes. Man-itary napkins. If we legitimize man-struation, it will boost our economy and create jobs. We’ll also be supporting equal rights for all. That’s important, too.”
Women’s rights groups are against the notion. Most refused comment lest they give the stunt more publicity. Speaking off the record, one women’s rights leader said, “These men are bozos. They have no idea how menstruation works. Plus, women don’t have extra rights because of PMS.”
Where does this leave us? All sides claim the suit is ridiculous.
But if there’s one thing recent history has taught us, it’s that SCOTUS always rules in favor of big money.
Get ready for man-struation coming to a penis near you.