Brave American Heroes Defy “Must Wear Pants” Laws in Name of Freedom

Clothing retailers are concerned the new “don’t wear pants” movement may adversely impact their business.
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“Last I checked, it’s a free country,” said Ron Delfon, a diner at the Rising Sun Sushi Buffet.

It would be a normal scene — except for the fact that Mr. Delfon wasn’t wearing pants. 

He was wearing a shirt and sneakers but nothing else. Not even underwear. 

As he slid from the booth for another plate, his bare buttocks left a sweaty smear across the vinyl seat.  

Up at the buffet counter, other customers gave him plenty of space. His shriveled genitals and pubic hair flopped into the ice as he leaned in to retrieve a Spicy Dragon Roll. 

“Hey buddy,” one of the other diners called out. “Put on some damn pants.”

“No thanks,” Mr. Delfon snapped. “I don’t live in fear.”

Mr. Delfon is a new breed of American freedom fighter. One that refuses to conform to any government or civic authority request. 

“I’m not a sheep,” he said. “Look at all these other customers. All with pants on. Did they think of that themselves? Or do they wear pants because the law says so? These fools are the same ones who wore masks when the government told them to. I’m against all forms of tyranny.” 

Does a law requiring masks or pants qualify as tyranny?

“Absolutely,” Delfon said. “My grandfather died fighting in World War Two. He didn’t give his life so we could all bow to dictators.” 

What’s the big deal? How hard is it to wear pants? 

“The big deal is I’m not a sheep. If I want to eat sushi, or greasy fried chicken, or a big juicy steak while I’m naked from the waist down, that’s my right. That’s a freedom my grandfather died protecting.” 

But what about other people? They might not want to see that. And what about keeping public spaces as clean and sanitary as possible?

Mr. Delfon chuckled. “Their freedom ends at my rights.”

Does he hope to see his movement grow? 

“Definitely. We should all resist the government. Don’t give in to fear. Don’t be a sheep. Don’t wear pants.”