List of Horrifying Side Effects Consumes Over Half the Content of New Drug Ad

The team at Diversified Marketing was eager to market-test their ad for a new drug, Zanlaxa™.

“We couldn’t have been prouder. I loved what we produced for our Big Pharma client,” said Diversified CEO, Glenn Haberstove. “Unfortunately, the focus group reviews weren’t great.”

The video advertisement is an industry-standard thirty seconds long. More than half of that running time is taken up by a list of gross and painful possible side effects.

The target demographic focus group began with positive reviews.

“When I hear the made-up word Zanlaxa™ it sounds like a mashup of ‘zen’ and ‘relax.’ I like it,” said one respondent.

That’s where the good news ended.

From another comment card: “What do I remember about the ad? They mentioned ‘bleeding from the eyes’ as a possible side effect. That’s awful. I thought that only happened in horror movies. Now I’m freaked out.”

“Come on,” whined Haberstove. “No one listens to that whisper voice at the end of drug ads. Sure, it’s required by law. But these side effects are possible, not guaranteed.”

Other members of the focus group expressed similar concerns.

“I liked it at first. Sad cartoon lady walking in a field of flowers. A bird with Zanlaxa™ written on its side lands on her hand. Then she’s happy. The lady and the bird skip through the forest. Good so far, right? But while they’re skipping, the voiceover says you might get ‘gangrene of the taint.’ How is that even possible?”

Another commenter was far more descriptive.

“Permanently explosive diarrhea, collapsed lung, chronic clogged sinuses? What the hell is this drug supposed to cure? Good news bad news. Your disease is cured, but you have explosive diarrhea For the rest of your life? I’ll take my chances with the disease.”

Diversified CEO Haberstove wasn’t ready to give up yet.

“Our only option now is to try again by hiring a new focus group.”

Influencer Cancels Self for Shameful Sin of Spontaneous Laughter

Today, social media superstar Zurbonzo left a tearful farewell video message to his many fans.

“Greetings for the last time,” he said. “I’m canceling myself.”

The influencer had amassed at least ten million followers across all platforms. A single mention on his feeds – average price six figures – could make or break any product or event.

In an age of social media star-makers, Zurbonzo was above them all – but no longer. All postings on his feeds are gone except for the farewell video.

“Why am I canceled?” he said. “It’s simple. I overheard a joke. And I laughed.”

The titan of social media continued his public confession between choking sobs.

“I wasn’t thinking. I was with two other people and I overheard one whisper a joke to the other. I dare not share the content of this so-called joke. Know that it was about the traits of others. To my eternal shame, I laughed. Not aloud, but inside my mind. I felt the desire to laugh. And that is enough.”

Voice breaking, Zurbonzo continued.

“A moment of spontaneous joy, and my world has ended.”

He paused to wipe his tears.

“Wrong is wrong. Mocking others is no laughing matter. Too late, I realized I was being a garbage person. The kind I’ve dragged and called out, led boycotts of, and canceled. I’ve ended careers for less. I can be no exception. I’m so sorry.”

Zurbonzo fans worldwide expressed their sorrow.

“It’s horrible. Just horrible,” said Mel Fortuna, president of the We Love Zurbonzo Club. “If Zurbonzo can be brought down by sudden and surprising joy, what hope is there for the rest of us?”

That disappointment fueled a call to action.

“Zurbonzo was a warrior who led the charge to cancel people who deserved it. I once loved him, but now I hate him. It’s frankly disgusting that he would laugh at a joke. It shows his heart is impure. He did everything he said he was against. Good riddance!”

Fortuna has changed the name of the Zurbonzo Fan Club to the We Hate Zurbonzo Club.

We spoke with one of Zurbonzo’s first targets, former syndicated columnist Edgar K. Crustings. Zurbonzo led a boycott of Crustings over what he called insensitive remarks. The action led to the writer’s early retirement.

“He laughed in his head?” Crustings said. “He didn’t have to tell anybody. And he did? What a fruitcake. If I didn’t hate the guy for ending my career, I might feel sorry for him. Christ, laugh a little. Life is short.”

Some hopeful fans suggested Zurbonzo’s self-cancel was a stunt. Was it all a play for more attention?

It’s doubtful. Zurbonzo’s many sponsors confirmed receipt of canceled contracts.

We have only his final words to go on.

“I could have kept quiet. But where are we without honesty? Without accountability? Let my failure be a lesson to us all. One moment of internal spontaneous joy, and I have fallen. It cannot be taken back. It will not be forgiven. And with that, I leave you.”

As of this writing, #WeHateZurbonzo was trending.

Inventor of “Tall Inflatable Wavy Noodle Guy” Teases Newest Lure for Used Car Lots

“If you thought ‘tall inflatable wavy noodle guy’ helped bring in customers, you’ll love our next attraction!”

So teased Fred Scuzzman, self-described “King of Lot Lures.” He was addressing a standing-room-only crowd at the yearly convention of used car lot owners held in Baltimore. 

“We’ve got limited inventory of this beauty. Don’t miss out. If you don’t put your $500 deposit down now, your competitors will.” 

The line to put a deposit down for the as-yet-unannounced roadside attraction stretched out of the convention center. 

Hank Schneider, who owns four used car lots outside Camden, New Jersey, couldn’t contain his excitement. 

“When Apple announces a new iPhone, there’s a line around the block. That’s nothing. When Scuzzman announces a lot lure, there’s a stampede. Tall Inflatable Wavy Noodle Guy 2.0? Holy heck, I’d camp out for weeks if I had to.” 

Afterward, Schneider wasn’t entirely happy.

“He said in his speech the deposit was five hundred. I wait for fourteen hours, get to the front of the line, and he says it’s actually fifteen hundred! I waited half a day and then they change the price?”

Despite the bait and switch, Schneider was still awestruck. 

“Oh well. What can you do? Scuzzman is gonna Scuzzman. I’m just glad I’ll be getting mine soon, whatever it is. How on earth is he going to top ‘tall inflatable wavy noodle guy?’ People just see it and think, I need to buy a used car. What kind of insane genius would have made that connection? Fred Scuzzman. That’s who.”