Influencer Cancels Self for Shameful Sin of Spontaneous Laughter

Today, social media superstar Zurbonzo left a tearful farewell video message to his many fans.

“Greetings for the last time,” he said. “I’m canceling myself.”

The influencer had amassed at least ten million followers across all platforms. A single mention on his feeds – average price six figures – could make or break any product or event.

In an age of social media star-makers, Zurbonzo was above them all – but no longer. All postings on his feeds are gone except for the farewell video.

“Why am I canceled?” he said. “It’s simple. I overheard a joke. And I laughed.”

The titan of social media continued his public confession between choking sobs.

“I wasn’t thinking. I was with two other people and I overheard one whisper a joke to the other. I dare not share the content of this so-called joke. Know that it was about the traits of others. To my eternal shame, I laughed. Not aloud, but inside my mind. I felt the desire to laugh. And that is enough.”

Voice breaking, Zurbonzo continued.

“A moment of spontaneous joy, and my world has ended.”

He paused to wipe his tears.

“Wrong is wrong. Mocking others is no laughing matter. Too late, I realized I was being a garbage person. The kind I’ve dragged and called out, led boycotts of, and canceled. I’ve ended careers for less. I can be no exception. I’m so sorry.”

Zurbonzo fans worldwide expressed their sorrow.

“It’s horrible. Just horrible,” said Mel Fortuna, president of the We Love Zurbonzo Club. “If Zurbonzo can be brought down by sudden and surprising joy, what hope is there for the rest of us?”

That disappointment fueled a call to action.

“Zurbonzo was a warrior who led the charge to cancel people who deserved it. I once loved him, but now I hate him. It’s frankly disgusting that he would laugh at a joke. It shows his heart is impure. He did everything he said he was against. Good riddance!”

Fortuna has changed the name of the Zurbonzo Fan Club to the We Hate Zurbonzo Club.

We spoke with one of Zurbonzo’s first targets, former syndicated columnist Edgar K. Crustings. Zurbonzo led a boycott of Crustings over what he called insensitive remarks. The action led to the writer’s early retirement.

“He laughed in his head?” Crustings said. “He didn’t have to tell anybody. And he did? What a fruitcake. If I didn’t hate the guy for ending my career, I might feel sorry for him. Christ, laugh a little. Life is short.”

Some hopeful fans suggested Zurbonzo’s self-cancel was a stunt. Was it all a play for more attention?

It’s doubtful. Zurbonzo’s many sponsors confirmed receipt of canceled contracts.

We have only his final words to go on.

“I could have kept quiet. But where are we without honesty? Without accountability? Let my failure be a lesson to us all. One moment of internal spontaneous joy, and I have fallen. It cannot be taken back. It will not be forgiven. And with that, I leave you.”

As of this writing, #WeHateZurbonzo was trending.