Basic Grammar and Spelling Errors Obscure Intent of Death Threats

“I wish people would learn to spell,” said Mike Kelvitt.

Kelvitt works as an unpaid intern for Congressperson Sarah Penning. His job is to tabulate and filter constituent communications, responding when appropriate.

“Sounds easy, right?” he said. “But Rep Penning gets a lot of weird emails. Here’s an example. One line.”

YOUR DEAD SUCK MY COCK

Kelvig shrugged. “Is it a poem? A haiku? Heavy metal lyrics?” he asked. “But why send that? Maybe he’s looking for zombie porn? I’m sure there’s a site that offers that, but gross.”

He shrugged, marked a tally on his tablet and began typing.

“When I’m not sure what to do,” he said, “I send the standard response. Thank you for contacting my office. Always glad to hear from you. Blah blah blah.”

He clicked to the next email then banged his fist on his desk. “And here’s another one.”

YOU’RE KIND OUR NOTWWELCOM HEAR

“What the hell does that mean? Does ‘your kind’ mean ‘people similar to you?’ Or did he mean to use the contraction? ‘You are kind.’ But then what’s the rest of it? Are now welcome here? That’s nice. Or did he put in ‘not’ but forgot to take it out? Your kind welcome here? I don’t know. Canned response for that one.”

Kelvitt rolled his eyes and looked at the clock.

“Seven and a half more hours to quitting time,” he mumbled, clicking to the next email.

“And here’s another. This one has an attachment. A photo of a gun. Sounds bad, but the text makes no sense.”

DONT BE SURPRIED WHEN YOU SHOP

“I think that third word should be ‘surprised.’ But why contact Rep. Penning about it? And who gets surprised if they are the ones who go shopping? It doesn’t make any sense. And the gun picture? Is he saying she should buy a gun? I don’t know. And another canned response.”

When asked how he felt about his internship, Kelvitt was vague.

“I don’t hate it. Would be nice to get some pay. They said I would get life experience. But really, in the adult world, will I ever need to decipher gibberish written by lunatics who write in all caps?”

10,001st Reply Insulting Gleefully Corrupt Senator Causes Change of Heart

Florida Senator Clyde Gelmore was once called, “The Troll with No Soul.” Known for his acrid social media posts, Gelmore seemed impervious to criticism.

His comments always generated angry replies. He would “get ratioed” as the kids say. (Meaning he got more angry replies than likes.) But this week, while reading furious responses, something new happened.

“I did it to relax,” the senator said. “I’d sign off on another corporate bailout. Then I’d hit the keyboard to rub it in. I’d say something like, ‘The rich get to work, the poor whine on social media.’ Then I’d enjoy a brandy and chuckle as their futile, angry replies rolled in.”

Senator Gelmore paged through the document of responses printed by his staff.

“Look at them all. Thousands calling for my job, for my seat, for my head. So much anger, so much hate. I would laugh and laugh, until…”

Gelmore paused, took a deep breath, and gazed out his office window before continuing.

“Everything was normal after I read 10,000 comments. Contempt was giving way to boredom. I was about to move on.”

He sighed.

“But that 10,001st reply got me. I can’t even remember what it said. It wasn’t any different than all the others.”

He cleared his throat before continuing.

“Suddenly I realized they had a point. I was a greedy criminal. I should change.”

Following the epiphany, Gelmore withdrew his support for the latest corporate welfare. His party ejected him and now he’s declared independent.

What’s next for the new, more polite Senator Gelmore?

“I’m not sure. Just remember it’s always best to add your input online. Even if thousands of people have said the same thing and you say nothing new. You never know when someone might take the time to read 10,000 replies insulting them. And that ten thousand first one might make the difference.”