QUARANTINE CHAOS! School Suppliers Can’t Keep Up With Demand from Parents Unable to Steal Pens and Pads from Work

Melanie Lakis emerged from the big box office supply store shaking her head. Her curses were muffled behind her N95 mask.

“Virtual school starts next week. This is the fifth store I’ve been to. Like all the others, they’re sold out of pens and notebooks.”

She stuffed her mask inside the storage console of her minivan and slammed the lid closed.

“Buying online doesn’t work, either. They take your order and your payment. Then you get an email. ‘Sorry, forgot to mention, due to the pandemic, we’re out of stock.’ Now I’m out and about, and still no luck.”

Lakis drove while thumbing her cell phone, searching for any office supply store.

“Before our government ignored a world-wide plague, this was so simple. Get to work early, bring a duffel bag like I just came from the gym. Raid the supply cabinet. Done. Easy. A yearly tradition. Now? What a pain in the ass.”

She fidgeted in the driver’s seat, not noticing her minivan slowly rolling through a red light.

“Everyone in my Facebook Mommy Chat group is in the same boat. One said she got her son to go on the dark web for magic markers. That’s ridiculous. Why does her kid know how to do that? What else is he doing on there? Us cool moms were wondering about that in our secret side mommy chat group.”

She gave the finger to a sign that read, ‘We Support Our Essential Workers!’

“I don’t mean that,” she quickly added. “I support them. I’m just not myself lately. Taking stuff from work is part of the natural order of things, right? The circle of life. It’s how you know life is normal. When you can’t do it, you know the world has gone crazy.”

Person Not Paying Attention is Outraged Anyway

“You know what I really hate?” Ralph Smith offers, even if you don’t ask. “Television remotes. In my day, we got exercise. You wanna change the channel? You gotta get off your ass and turn the dial. Suddenly, everyone’s got a clicker thingy. And people wonder why the world is going to hell.”

The first television remote was invented around 1950. Mr. Smith was born in 1956.

“Oh. Really?” he said. “They been around that long? Well, I don’t like ‘em.”

Does Smith honestly believe television remotes spell the doom of civilization?

“It’s not just that. It’s also those noisy places kids call arcades. You know, they stand before a wooden cabinet, stare at a screen? That’s not a game. That’s watching TV.”

Mr. Smith seemed surprised when informed that stand up arcade games gave way decades ago to PC, console and mobile gaming.

“Oh? They’re gone? Guess that’s why I haven’t seen them lately. Well good. Because I hate ’em.”

Smith was quiet for a while before going on.

“It’s all this new stuff. Today I saw the most annoying thing.”

More annoying than TV remotes and arcade games?

“Yeah. People are putting stickers on the backs of their cars, now. They say all kinds of things. Vote for this, don’t vote for that. I like this, I don’t like that. If I wanted an opinion piece, I’d read the newspaper. I never noticed them before. Suddenly, they’re everywhere.”

The first bumper stickers appeared in the 1940s.

“That’s a good name for those new things: bumper stickers. I was going to call them ‘car signs’ or something. I saw one that said, ‘If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.’ I wanted to flag ‘im down and tell ‘im. Don’t put that on me, pal. I’m mad because you got some preachy crap on your bumper and I have to see it.”

Ultra-Famous Super-Wealthy Media Personality Whines Endlessly About the Media

News commentator Bradley B. Wainwright spent his entire four-hour program complaining about the news media — of which he is a prominent member.

“The media just doesn’t get it,” said Wainwright, who is the signature face of an international news network. “They’ve never gotten it. They’re out of touch.”

Wainwright spoke from his 20,000 square foot studio. The state-of-the-art facility was built exclusively for him by his major broadcast employer. It sits on the grounds of his enormous ranch in rural Arizona.

The household name used his show, “The Wainwright Way,” to condemn journalists and the news business. He followed that by raving about the same subject on his three-hour podcast. The podcast is a new venture. His network’s parent company supported the new direction with a six-figure ad-buy on social media.

Wainwright followed that up with several phone interviews about his upcoming book. ‘They Don’t Get It: Why Jerks in the Media Think They’re Better Than You.” Advanced bulk-buying has already catapulted the book to a number-one best seller.

In a nearby airport, Wainwright’s show was playing repeat on the televisions in all waiting areas.

When a random passenger was asked about the show, he said this:

“All he does is cry about the media. I asked one of the flight desk people to change the channel.”

And they didn’t?

“No. They did. Problem is, this same guy is on every one.”

Basic Grammar and Spelling Errors Obscure Intent of Death Threats

“I wish people would learn to spell,” said Mike Kelvitt.

Kelvitt works as an unpaid intern for Congressperson Sarah Penning. His job is to tabulate and filter constituent communications, responding when appropriate.

“Sounds easy, right?” he said. “But Rep Penning gets a lot of weird emails. Here’s an example. One line.”

YOUR DEAD SUCK MY COCK

Kelvig shrugged. “Is it a poem? A haiku? Heavy metal lyrics?” he asked. “But why send that? Maybe he’s looking for zombie porn? I’m sure there’s a site that offers that, but gross.”

He shrugged, marked a tally on his tablet and began typing.

“When I’m not sure what to do,” he said, “I send the standard response. Thank you for contacting my office. Always glad to hear from you. Blah blah blah.”

He clicked to the next email then banged his fist on his desk. “And here’s another one.”

YOU’RE KIND OUR NOTWWELCOM HEAR

“What the hell does that mean? Does ‘your kind’ mean ‘people similar to you?’ Or did he mean to use the contraction? ‘You are kind.’ But then what’s the rest of it? Are now welcome here? That’s nice. Or did he put in ‘not’ but forgot to take it out? Your kind welcome here? I don’t know. Canned response for that one.”

Kelvitt rolled his eyes and looked at the clock.

“Seven and a half more hours to quitting time,” he mumbled, clicking to the next email.

“And here’s another. This one has an attachment. A photo of a gun. Sounds bad, but the text makes no sense.”

DONT BE SURPRIED WHEN YOU SHOP

“I think that third word should be ‘surprised.’ But why contact Rep. Penning about it? And who gets surprised if they are the ones who go shopping? It doesn’t make any sense. And the gun picture? Is he saying she should buy a gun? I don’t know. And another canned response.”

When asked how he felt about his internship, Kelvitt was vague.

“I don’t hate it. Would be nice to get some pay. They said I would get life experience. But really, in the adult world, will I ever need to decipher gibberish written by lunatics who write in all caps?”