GOD TOLD HIM TO S.T.F.U.! Evangelical Speaking “In Tongues” Was Actually Choking to Death

Reverend Josiah Hornblatty, Pastor for The Church of His Holy Radiance, has been called home to heaven.

The wealthy minister collapsed and died in during his weekly, live televised ceremony.

“It was during the exciting part,” explained a tearful Brandi Fielders, a regular at His Holy Radiance for over ten years.

“He fell to the floor right in front of me. The six-piece rock band was booming. The lasers and smoke machines were going full blast. And the good Reverend ran around carrying live snakes.”

Investigators determined the Reverend died from choking on a throat lozenge. Hornblatty popped the candies to soothe his throat during his marathon preaching sessions.

“He was rolling around on the floor,” Fielders continued. “Spouting gibberish. It’s called ‘speaking in tongues.’ When you commune with the holy spirits, it’s too much for our tiny, sinful minds to handle, so it comes out in a way we can’t understand.”

Despite the Reverend’s distress, Ms. Fielders took no action.

“When he started turning dark purple, I wasn’t sure what to do. I thought about calling for help. But every Sunday he’s begging God to call him home. He wanted to go to heaven so bad, I didn’t dare interfere. He reached out to me, and I thought he was begging for money like usual. I had my folded one-dollar bill ready to go.”

She never got to make that final donation. The pastor had died. Still, Fielders was positive.

“I’m sad I won’t see him every Sunday, but I’m happy he’s with the angels at last. It’s what he wanted. I just know he’s flying across the sky with Jesus in that gold-plated private jet that we paid for. First class, of course.”