ATLAS HUGGED! Ayn Rand-Inspired Parenting Movement Causing Epidemic of Orphanage Overcrowding

A recent parenting trend follows the philosophy of novelist and essayist Ayn Rand. Rand’s “Objectivism” proposes that a person’s happiness is the moral purpose of their own life.

Many adherents of “objectivist parenting” end up giving their children to orphanages.

“I was breastfeeding little Galt,” said one mother. “But caring for an infant was interfering with the life I wanted for myself. He was waking up late at night, impairing my purpose, my own happiness. He also infringed on the Randian principle of self-reliance. It was time for him to get off the teat. I ripped my breast out of his mouth. It wasn’t Atlas Shrugging, but it was a mother’s equivalent.”

Another devotee used Rand’s essay “The Virtue of Selfishness” to guide her parenting.

“My twins Ragnar and Roark were always fighting over toys. I could be like other parents and buy two of each. But why should I?”

Did she teach them to share?

“Of course not. I taught them the virtue of selfishness. If everyone grabs what they want that creates a better world for everyone. My boys are now learning to hide toys from each other and steal them from one another. They’ll be ready to join society soon.”

Not everyone agrees that child-rearing with an extreme view of the individual is a good idea.

Anne Perzel, Director of Living With Grace, a well-known network of orphanages, complained.

“We’re already lacking funds and resources. Now we have these Rand-inspired parents who dump their kids. All because the kid infringes on their freedom.”

“I don’t want to sound like I’m anti-choice,” Perzel continued. “But please, wear a condom. Get an abortion. Whatever you have to do. Instead they selfishly enjoy the joys of pregnancy and infancy, then toss the child aside.”

When confronted with this, the objectivist parents had the same response.

“I’m all for choice, too. My child chose to be born and I chose to give it up for adoption. If that lady who runs the orphanges doesn’t like it, she should abandon the kids. If everyone does what they want, then everyone’s happy.”

THINKING FREELY! Self-Described Skeptic Believes Entire Anonymous Post That Reads like a Psychotic Episode

“Do your own research! Think for yourself! Don’t be a sheep!”

Those reminders are scrawled on the walls where Josh (real name withheld) sits at his computer. He’s there 18 hours a day, reading and posting on anonymous online forums.

“It’s my way of standing up for freedom. The overlords are telling us that we should wash our hands and wear a mask to prevent the spread of disease. Please!” Josh scoffs.

“Why should I believe them when user SecretFace666 just posted a 5,000-word epic reveal about how face masks are actually made from reconstituted dinosaur cartilage that was kept in a vault underneath the Vatican? They transferred it by black helicopter to a secret lab in Russia where it was treated with a mind-altering substance called KM54. That would be bad enough, but when they were designing KM54, they kidnapped 800 kids from American schools and performed experiments on them.”

“That’s why I don’t wear a mask. They won’t control me. I don’t believe a word the mainstream media tells us. We have to be skeptical.”

But isn’t is the poster reliable? Who is SecretFace666? Do they have any credentials? What is their evidence?

Josh is ready with an answer: “He has to be anonymous to protect his identity. Or else he’d get disappeared.”

Josh continued speaking, his voice rising from a whisper to a yell. “That’s why what I do is so important. We have spread the word about what’s really going on. Refuse to give in! I will not be a pawn! Resist!”

“Josh? Did you take out the trash yet?” his mother yelled from another room.

“I will later!” he yelled back.

He turned back to his computer, mumbling to himself.

“See? The battle against tyranny never ends.”

IT’S A BOY-LING PLANET! Gender Reveal Stunt Screw-up Kicks off Catastrophic Chain Reaction that Ends Life on Earth

The lone planet in the entire universe that hosted advanced life became a smoking husk today. The cause of the destruction was a gender reveal stunt gone wrong.

The end began at the edge of the demilitarized zone that divides North and South Korea. American troops stationed nearby were holding a party.

Private James Cullmann and wife Sarah were set to reveal the gender of their child with a firecracker.

James, being a jokester, chose to launch the rocket by balancing it in his butthole. The firecracker launched from his bare rear and exploded in a shower of bright blue sparks.

“It’s a boy,” the Cullmanns and their guests cheered. Sarah Cullmann held her belly and cried.

Though a touching display, this was unwelcome news for all sentient life on earth.

North Korean watchmen heard the explosion. They concluded they were being attacked by their hated rivals in the South. The North Koreans responded as promised: by launching an all-out attack. Millions of South Koreans died in minutes.

South Korean allies in Western Europe and the United States responded. In seconds, the entire Korean peninsula was nothing but a crater.

Unfortunately, the damage was so extensive, fallout swept over Russia and China. Enraged, they launched their nuclear weapons at Western Europe and the United States.

Much like World War One, what began as a small conflict quickly erupted into a globe-wide brawl. Ally of ally jumped into the fray, tossing nukes and chemical weapons at each other.

In a matter of days, the once beautiful colors of earth were nothing more than a sickly orange dust. The few survivors were mortally wounded. The lucky ones died early.

The last living human staggered across the smoking landscape. His skin sliding off his exposed bones.

“At least now we know,” he said, coughing blood. “The secret’s out. James and Sarah are – were, I guess – having a boy.”

He died one second later.

EPIC TONGUE-LASHING! Choreographer Enraged at Football Team’s Poorly Synchronized Touchdown Dance

“Out of rhythm. Out of sync. Uninspired! That performance made me sick! I am embarrassed. That was seriously piss-poor execution! I am insulted. Disgusted!”

The screaming from the Philadelphia Eagles locker room sounded like a furious coach’s rant. But this wasn’t a coach, and it wasn’t about the performance during the game.

This scolding was about the touchdown dance.

The epic dressing-down came from Bee-yall Py-ZaZ. According to his neon pink business card, he’s a Choreographer Extraordinaire.

The lackluster Eagles hired Py-ZaZ to design elaborate and thrilling touchdown dances. The reason? To bring fans some form of entertainment during what promises to be a dismal season.

The slim dance instructor could not have looked more alien in the locker room. He wore tight silver hot pants, gold heels, a lavender mesh tank top, and gold-rimmed glasses. Yet he terrorized the hulking men in dark uniforms.

Py-ZaZ punctuated his insults by whipping the players with his lime green feather boa.

“You all,” Py-ZaZ screamed, pointing at several players. “You’re the back row, clap left step right, clap right step left. Together. TO-GE-THER! It’s not hard! Children could do it! But you? You cannot!”

“Ugh! I can’t go on. I can’t even! When – I should say if – you score again, that touchdown dance best put the metro ballet to shame! You think I’m mad now? You ain’t seen mad!”

After the verbal assault, Py-Zaz rage-swished from the locker room, leaving behind a shocked silence. Several players remained seated, heads bowed.

One was weeping in the corner.

“I’ve been berated by coaches before. But I’ve never unmanned like this,” he said, wiping his nose on his jersey.

“I need to focus. Get my head in the game. But more importantly, in the dance.”

When Eagles management was asked if Py-ZaZ would stay on, despite draining the team’s already-sagging morale, they said he would. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one executive explained.

“They say when you get to the end zone you should act like you’ve been there before. We follow that advice. When we get to the end zone, we want to act like we’ve never been there before, because we haven’t.”