“Out of rhythm. Out of sync. Uninspired! That performance made me sick! I am embarrassed. That was seriously piss-poor execution! I am insulted. Disgusted!”
The screaming from the Philadelphia Eagles locker room sounded like a furious coach’s rant. But this wasn’t a coach, and it wasn’t about the performance during the game.
This scolding was about the touchdown dance.
The epic dressing-down came from Bee-yall Py-ZaZ. According to his neon pink business card, he’s a Choreographer Extraordinaire.
The lackluster Eagles hired Py-ZaZ to design elaborate and thrilling touchdown dances. The reason? To bring fans some form of entertainment during what promises to be a dismal season.
The slim dance instructor could not have looked more alien in the locker room. He wore tight silver hot pants, gold heels, a lavender mesh tank top, and gold-rimmed glasses. Yet he terrorized the hulking men in dark uniforms.
Py-ZaZ punctuated his insults by whipping the players with his lime green feather boa.
“You all,” Py-ZaZ screamed, pointing at several players. “You’re the back row, clap left step right, clap right step left. Together. TO-GE-THER! It’s not hard! Children could do it! But you? You cannot!”
“Ugh! I can’t go on. I can’t even! When – I should say if – you score again, that touchdown dance best put the metro ballet to shame! You think I’m mad now? You ain’t seen mad!”
After the verbal assault, Py-Zaz rage-swished from the locker room, leaving behind a shocked silence. Several players remained seated, heads bowed.
One was weeping in the corner.
“I’ve been berated by coaches before. But I’ve never unmanned like this,” he said, wiping his nose on his jersey.
“I need to focus. Get my head in the game. But more importantly, in the dance.”
When Eagles management was asked if Py-ZaZ would stay on, despite draining the team’s already-sagging morale, they said he would. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one executive explained.
“They say when you get to the end zone you should act like you’ve been there before. We follow that advice. When we get to the end zone, we want to act like we’ve never been there before, because we haven’t.”