The lone planet in the entire universe that hosted advanced life became a smoking husk today. The cause of the destruction was a gender reveal stunt gone wrong.
The end began at the edge of the demilitarized zone that divides North and South Korea. American troops stationed nearby were holding a party.
Private James Cullmann and wife Sarah were set to reveal the gender of their child with a firecracker.
James, being a jokester, chose to launch the rocket by balancing it in his butthole. The firecracker launched from his bare rear and exploded in a shower of bright blue sparks.
“It’s a boy,” the Cullmanns and their guests cheered. Sarah Cullmann held her belly and cried.
Though a touching display, this was unwelcome news for all sentient life on earth.
North Korean watchmen heard the explosion. They concluded they were being attacked by their hated rivals in the South. The North Koreans responded as promised: by launching an all-out attack. Millions of South Koreans died in minutes.
South Korean allies in Western Europe and the United States responded. In seconds, the entire Korean peninsula was nothing but a crater.
Unfortunately, the damage was so extensive, fallout swept over Russia and China. Enraged, they launched their nuclear weapons at Western Europe and the United States.
Much like World War One, what began as a small conflict quickly erupted into a globe-wide brawl. Ally of ally jumped into the fray, tossing nukes and chemical weapons at each other.
In a matter of days, the once beautiful colors of earth were nothing more than a sickly orange dust. The few survivors were mortally wounded. The lucky ones died early.
The last living human staggered across the smoking landscape. His skin sliding off his exposed bones.
“At least now we know,” he said, coughing blood. “The secret’s out. James and Sarah are – were, I guess – having a boy.”
He died one second later.