DEFCON DONG! U.S. Cyber Command Denies Being Hacked Despite All Terminals Showing Poorly-Drawn Wangs

The U.S. Cyber Command Center oversees the nation’s military internet security.

General Paul Higgenbotham, Center Director, held a press conference to combat rumors that core systems were hacked.

“I want everyone to know — you in the media and the citizenry — know the stories that we’ve been hacked are completely false.”

The denial was refuted by dozens of video terminals behind the general in the center’s “War Room.” Each screen was a bright yellow and displayed poorly-drawn penises, as one might quickly sketch using a computer mouse and a simple painting app.

Reading from his teleprompter, General Higgenbotham continued. “Let me assure you. Our systems are secure. Furthermore, balls. Balls and more balls. Your butt and your butt hole.”

An aide rushed to the general’s side and whispered to him.

General Higgenbotham pounded his fist on his podium. “Immature kids might think this is funny. But there’s nothing humorous about a nuclear exchange simulation looking like flocks of wieners flying around the globe.”

Someone at the back of the press pool stifled a laugh. The general whipped his head toward the sound. The culprit remained silent.

“I can see I’m not getting through,” Higgenbotham said. “I’ll refer any further questions to Cyber Command’s website.”

He abruptly ended the press conference.

At the time of this writing, Cyber Command’s website FAQ still featured the question: “Does General Higgenbotham have a fat ass? Damn right he does. Your mom. And TITS! Fix your security, dudes, and be glad we’re just high school pranksters.”

DAMNED ON DEMAND! Networks Split News Channels into Genres Catering to Fear, Despair, Hatred, Lunacy, and Doom

“It was only a matter of time,” said Miranda Weaver, Chief Marketing Officer of Standard Comm Corp (SCC). SCC is one of the largest owners of broadcast news networks. She was addressing their decision to split their single news channel into several sub-channels.

“Entertainment networks have been doing it for a while,” she said. “There are movie channels for Westerns, Sci-Fi, Romance, Thriller, Mystery, etc. To cater to every taste. It’s time news networks caught up.”

“Now, viewers can customize their news for their preferred negative emotions. Instead of one-size-fits-all depressing outlook, consumers can choose how to feel bad.”

“Some folks prefer their news be about armed zealots. For them, there’s the Fear channel. Others like to train their attention on paranoid, self-contradicting conspiracy theories. For them, we offer Lunacy. For those addicted to the adrenaline rush of Hatred, we’ve got a channel for them, too.”

“Big Data is a huge help. We’re collecting so much information on people, we are better at predicting their behavior than they are. And if that scares you, try our Doom channel.”

The initial genres (Fear, Despair, Hatred, Lunacy, Doom) are being called The Big Five, but Weaver did not rule out further subdivisions.

“Due to advances in bandwidth, there’s no downside to further customization. I could see far more negative, more specific emotions. But that’s a few years down the road.”

She added with a nervous chuckle.

“Assuming we all live that long,”