ONLY IF YOU ACT NOW! Actors on Infomercial Are Far Too Enthusiastic About Smoothie Mix to Be Believed

Adam Gasserman, local stoner, woke on his couch with his bong between his knees. The time was four a.m., and his television was still on.

Whatever he’d been watching had given way to several consecutive hours of informercials.

On his TV, a young, fit woman wearing a neon green two-piece workout suit, smiled as she walked across a gym.

“I can’t believe it!” she squealed eyes wide. “I’ve been trying Ash-O-Mix for six weeks! It’s amazing. The most incredible dietary supplement I’ve ever used. I’m in the best shape of my life! I’m happier than ever, and all because I tried Ash-O-Mix!”

“Like,” Gasserman said aloud to himself. He paused for a minute to watch pot smoke swirl above him. “Like,” he reiterated. After another pause, he completed his thought. “Like, she’s hot and all. That’s cool. But there’s no way anyone is that excited about protein powder.”

The woman on-screen was now standing at the edge of a smoothie bar. She smiled and nodded like a bobblehead doll in an earthquake. Nearby stood an enormous man, his body lumpy with muscles, tank top completely failing to cover his formidable nipples.

On the bar were two glasses of a gray-green liquid, a packet of Ash-O-Mix Protein Powder, and a blender. The man clenched his fists before his face as praised the protein powder with gibberish.

“We produce Ash-O-Mix with a patented isoflorene molecular structure. That bonds with the neuronal receptors of your musculature. The burtovinoids then get the absolute best from your fibrous ligaments. That builds strength, muscle mass, flexibility, and endurance.”

“No way he’s only using smoothies,” Gasserman said. “That beast is using steroids.”

On-screen, both the man and woman guzzled the gray-green drink. They slammed their cups on the bar before emitting a synchronized post-sexual-encounter-style sigh. They both smiled into the camera with the glazed expressions of newly-converted cultists.

“Ash-O-Mix is the best!” they both said at the same time.

“Not buying it,” Gasserman said, lighting up for another bong rip. “I see it in your eyes, folks. I see it in your eyes.”