FLUSH RIGHT! New York Post Bravely Sacrifices Self to Save Quarantined Nation from Toilet Paper Shortage

Crass single-syllable headlines. Big, lewd, color photos. Moralizing editorials. The New York Post checks all the boxes that define a sleazy tabloid. It’s no one’s idea of a charitable organization.

That’s all about to change, publisher Mark B. Cravern explained at a press conference.

“During these trying times, under COVID-19 quarantine, we need everyone to pitch in. The New York Post may just be a tabloid, but we can help. We don’t have to limit ourselves to harassing celebrities. Or stoking fears. Or enforcing antiquated morality. Or servicing our Illuminati lizard-people owners. Uh, what point was I making again?”

Trying to do some good?

“Oh yes. It’s true we’ve kept the nineteenth-century yellow journalism style alive. It’s true we are a convenient outlet for disinformation campaigns large and small. But we can also help make the world a better place. And we can do that by easing the nation’s toilet paper shortage. Starting today, anyone can buy a copy of the New York Post and use it to clean their soiled nether regions.”

“Of course, you can also read it first, while sitting on the toilet, but I wouldn’t recommend that.”

Because sitting on the toilet too long can lead to hemorrhoids?

“It can? I didn’t know that. No, I wouldn’t recommend reading it because of the content. Don’t get high on your own supply, as the kids say. Which is why the world is going to hell, by the way. Kids today are dummies and lazies. Sheesh. Now I even talk like our headlines.”

If this was a true act of charity, why are you charging for the paper? Why print at all? Why not have your raw paper purchases go direct to toilet paper?

“Because our paper isn’t worth wiping your ass with until we print on it. That’s what makes us the New York Post.”