APOLOGY IDOL! New Reality TV Series Begins Nationwide Talent Search for Best Public Apologies

“The public apology has become a fixture in American culture. The new series ‘Apology Idol’ seeks to capitalize on this trend.”

So says visionary executive producer Maxim Korelbonne.

“People get offended by anything and everything. There’s a good chance that at some point, everyone will issue a public apology. So it’s a good skill to develop and there is lots of hidden talent. Everyone has opinions on what makes a good one. That all adds up to a good reality TV competition.”

“We at ‘Apology Idol’ seek nothing less than the best public apology in the entire nation.”

An all-star judges panel will coach contestants and rate their apologies. Sincerity, completeness, and satisfaction are a few things they’ll be looking for. The judges will present their opinions live, and the viewing public will cast the final votes by text.

Judges signed on so far are:

Texas Senator Ronald R. Gubermann. Gubermann has expressed regret many times over his career. Usually he is making amends for his bigoted words.

Hip Hop Star Jorge Riddymz has apologized dozens of times for what many see as sexist lyrics.

Socialite Tiffany Congilliacci — famous for her tearful apologies following a drunken anti-Semitic rant — explained what she’d be looking for. “Keep it real. I’m like looking for people who are like, real. Really real. Or are we like, OMG that was sooo fake.”

Korelbonne continued his sales pitch. “There are too many singing competitions. Those are boring. It’s clear if the singer is in tune or not. Apologies are much more subjective. Is the apology sufficient? Do you feel satisfied? Or do you feel insulted again? Was the apologizer defiant and did they double-down?”

What is the prize? Money? A recording contract?

“That’s the real twist. Contestants can’t leave until their apology is accepted by the viewing public. If it isn’t, they’ll be rated “still guilty” and forbidden to exit the living facilities. They must try again until the audience rates them as ‘apology sufficient.’”

“That’s the best part,” Korelbonne said. “They have to keep trying until their regret is accepted. That’s the process of apologies today. A person doesn’t need to feel remorse. They need to satisfy us, the public. Then they’re free to go.”

UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE! Scientists Scoff at Theoretical Alternate Universe Where There are No GEICO Commercials

“There’s no way. None at all. There are very few things that are certain in our universe. This is one. There is no escape from insipid GEICO television advertisements.”

So says Doctor Akmiri Harumukari as he addressed attendees during his keynote speech at the Symposium for Advanced Physics and Spatial Realities.

Dr. Harumukari was sympathetic to those who imagined such a world.

“I understand the urge to create soothing fictions. It’s the same impulse that gave us religion. We cope by imagining a place where harsh realities spare us. But I’m sorry. The laws of physics are laws. They do not bend. You will never settle in to enjoy your favorite programme and avoid forced cheekiness in the service of selling insurance. You will never escape GEICO ads.”

Harumukari’s comments drew criticism from his usual foes in the religious community.

“What are we supposed to tell children?” commented Pastor Heywood Langeth, a regular at the conference, and a critic of it.

“How can anyone find happiness knowing there will never be relief from the Cavemen? Or the cheeky English gecko? Or whatever-the-hell else comes next? I understand the need to face truths, but to confront one so bleak, it’s devastating.”

Known for his bluntness, Harumukari’s re-stated his view.

“I will not entertain the alternate reality hypotheses any longer. There is no universe in which one can be free of insipid GEICO commercials.”

CHAINED REACTION! Facebook Employee Fired for Feelings Outside the Bounds of the Permitted Seven Emotions

Facebook Employee 132433 was fired this week. Her violation? Feeling an emotion outside the The Seven permissible reactions.

“We have The Seven emojis for a reason,” explained Manager 93499. “All emotional responses must fit the following: like, love, care, laugh, wow, sad, or angry. On date oh two oh one two zero two one you violated those bounds. We are therefore terminating your employment immediately. Sad.”

Employee 132433 explained her perspective.

“They sent out an employee survey. Said it was anonymous. They asked us how we felt working there. Instead of a scale one to ten or a text box where we could write comments, they only included The Seven. Those are the same reactions Facebook users can use: like, love, care, haha, wow, sad, angry. I wasn’t any of those. I didn’t want to give a thumbs up for a like. I wanted to communicate a mix. I wanted to say the pay is good but the work itself is mind-numbing.”

132433 began crying.

“But how do you do that? How do you communicate mixed emotions with one emoji? There’s no thumbs down for a dislike. They want you to say you like it or they don’t want your input at all.”

When reached for comment, Manager 93499 revealed that shortly after the firing, she too was sacked. “They’re replacing me with a bot. An intelligent assistant. Lines of code. Whatever. Some app will now do my job. Good luck with that.”

“I don’t know how to tell others. If only there was a single cute icon to communicate that I’m disgusted, pissed, bemused, and hopeful, I’d use it. But there isn’t, so in Facebook’s world, I guess I have no reaction, so I must be fine.”

“And if you believe that, you’ll probably believe Facebook cares about your privacy. Laugh.”