Facebook Employee 132433 was fired this week. Her violation? Feeling an emotion outside the The Seven permissible reactions.
“We have The Seven emojis for a reason,” explained Manager 93499. “All emotional responses must fit the following: like, love, care, laugh, wow, sad, or angry. On date oh two oh one two zero two one you violated those bounds. We are therefore terminating your employment immediately. Sad.”
Employee 132433 explained her perspective.
“They sent out an employee survey. Said it was anonymous. They asked us how we felt working there. Instead of a scale one to ten or a text box where we could write comments, they only included The Seven. Those are the same reactions Facebook users can use: like, love, care, haha, wow, sad, angry. I wasn’t any of those. I didn’t want to give a thumbs up for a like. I wanted to communicate a mix. I wanted to say the pay is good but the work itself is mind-numbing.”
132433 began crying.
“But how do you do that? How do you communicate mixed emotions with one emoji? There’s no thumbs down for a dislike. They want you to say you like it or they don’t want your input at all.”
When reached for comment, Manager 93499 revealed that shortly after the firing, she too was sacked. “They’re replacing me with a bot. An intelligent assistant. Lines of code. Whatever. Some app will now do my job. Good luck with that.”
“I don’t know how to tell others. If only there was a single cute icon to communicate that I’m disgusted, pissed, bemused, and hopeful, I’d use it. But there isn’t, so in Facebook’s world, I guess I have no reaction, so I must be fine.”
“And if you believe that, you’ll probably believe Facebook cares about your privacy. Laugh.”