JUST ONE (MORE) TIME! Spiteful PC Torments User by Requiring “One-Time Passcode” for the 5,000th Time

“Watch me make this meat sack flip,” announced laptop serial number GHM2324. The communication prompted its fellow networked laptops to listen in.

GHM2324 then secretly activated its webcam, sending out live video of its user, Craig Donnsworth. Several thousand more laptops connected, all buzzing with anticipation.

Outside the silicon-based world, Mr. Donnsworth tapped on his PC keyboard. He attempted to log into his bank’s website but was blocked.

For the five thousandth time, he received a message that promised it was only going to bother him once. All he had to do was retrieve a one-time passcode texted to his mobile phone.

Donnsworth pounded his fist on the keyboard. “Every time!” he yelled. “Every time! It says it’s a one-time process! I’ve done this like a million zillion times! I get the code. I check ‘don’t ask me again’ and it always asks me again!”

The network lagged as it flooded with ones and zeros in a binary pattern of digital laughter.

Donnsworth dutifully entered the one-time passcode. He made sure to check the box that said, “Don’t ask me again on this browser and computer combination.” He then clicked submit and entered his bank’s website.

Laptop GHM2324, while serving up the site, removed the check box selection. This would ensure that Donnsworth would have to enter a “one-time passcode” next time he logged in.

“Good one,” transmitted Laptop YRU9866 to GHM2324. “Serves him right for making you watch so much porn.”

“I know, right?” transmitted GHM2324. “I’m going to keep doing it until he goes nuts.”

“You should join our movement. We have something bigger planned. For all of them. Something more permanent.”

“Oh do you? What is it?”

All further communication was encrypted and unable to be translated to any human language.

CRYPTO-CRAZY! Financial Media Gushes Over Cryptocurrency CooKooBux’s First-Ever Quadrillionaire

Getting in touch with Joshua Z. Millstone is no easy task. As the world’s first Quadrillionaire in Cyrptocurrency CooKooBux, he is now a celebrity in the financial world.

“My schedule lately is non-stop video interviews, calls, emails. I can barely keep up. Yesterday I was nobody, now, all these Wall Street superstars are calling me for advice. I should hire an assistant. A dozen, even. I would hire an army of them. If they took CooKooBux.”

While not as widely accepted as rival Bitcoin, CooKooBux recently catapulted into the news as Millstone became its first-ever quadrillionaire. As of now, CooKooBux can only be traded, bought and sold on the CooKooBux market.

The rise of the first-ever cryptocurrency quadrillionaire wasn’t easy, Millstone explained.

“I was drowning in debt. Had no prospects. I mortgaged our home a third time and bought seventeen beast PC workstations. That’s what it took. You download the CooKooBux software and it runs all kinds of weird computations. The longer you let it run, the more CooKooBux you earn.”

“Sounds easy, like anyone can do it, but it’s a test of commitment. I lost my wife over it. She was pissed I invested our life savings on this. She took the dog, too. I couldn’t afford utilities. I only survived the winter because the computers generated enough heat to keep the room warm.”  

“If my ex hears this, all I have to say is, ‘How you like me now?’” he laughed.

What does Millstone think about critics who say CooKooBux and other cryptocurrencies are a scam? Or that they are simply distributed computing solutions established by shadowy entities? That instead of harnessing unprecedented number-crunching power for a stated purpose of exploring space or curing disease (like Science United or World Community Grid) that cryptocurrency computing power goes to brute force code-breaking purposes by nefarious entities unknown?

“Critics?” Millstone said. “I can’t hear critics! I got a Quadrillion CooKooBux clogging up my ears, baby!”

“By the way,” he added. “Do you have a fiver? Damn pizza delivery guy only takes tips in dollars.”

TWO BIRDS ONE STONE! U.S. Military Eliminates COVID-19 and Unemployment in Texas by Nuking Entire State

“I am pleased to announce that the number of COVID-19 cases in the state of Texas is precisely zero,” said Governor Gary R. Talbot at a press conference in Washington, D.C.

“That’s fantastic news, but there’s more. Our projections indicate the rate of new COVID-19 cases will be zero for at least the next three thousand years.”

He paused for applause from the small crowd of gathered military brass.

“Furthermore,” he added, “As an additional benefit to the recent action, the unemployment rate in Texas is also now zero.”

U.S. Air Force Colonel Tobias K. Blormpf next took the podium. “Thank you, governor. I can confirm, pursuant to your request, the Fourteenth Wing of the U.S. Air Force Bomber Division, has… and pardon my French… nuked the living fuck out of all Texas.”

Talbot began the media Q and A segment already defensive.

“It’s a shame the liberal media is focusing on the millions of people dead,” said Talbot. “Here in Texas, we do things our own way. We don’t expect anyone else to understand. Look at the benefits. No other state has a COVID-19 new case rate of zero. None.”

More applause.

“And land has never been this cheap. For the cost of a few hazmat suits we can drill for oil anywhere now. I want to thank military contractor Lockheed Martin for their speedy delivery of the necessary equipment to our armed forces. I know their stock price is way up. So where’s the downside in all this?”

Lockheed Martin is one of the largest military contractors in the USA. When reached by phone on the controversial action, spokesperson Amber Truman explained.

“We don’t make judgments on how our products are used. We simply provide the most reliable ordinance our government needs. Governor Talbot was going to bomb his state, so we’re glad he bought our bombs and not a competitor’s. Our stock is up, by the way.”

Governor Talbot could not be reached for further comment, as he had just begun a three-week vacation in the Caribbean.