TWO BIRDS ONE STONE! U.S. Military Eliminates COVID-19 and Unemployment in Texas by Nuking Entire State

“I am pleased to announce that the number of COVID-19 cases in the state of Texas is precisely zero,” said Governor Gary R. Talbot at a press conference in Washington, D.C.

“That’s fantastic news, but there’s more. Our projections indicate the rate of new COVID-19 cases will be zero for at least the next three thousand years.”

He paused for applause from the small crowd of gathered military brass.

“Furthermore,” he added, “As an additional benefit to the recent action, the unemployment rate in Texas is also now zero.”

U.S. Air Force Colonel Tobias K. Blormpf next took the podium. “Thank you, governor. I can confirm, pursuant to your request, the Fourteenth Wing of the U.S. Air Force Bomber Division, has… and pardon my French… nuked the living fuck out of all Texas.”

Talbot began the media Q and A segment already defensive.

“It’s a shame the liberal media is focusing on the millions of people dead,” said Talbot. “Here in Texas, we do things our own way. We don’t expect anyone else to understand. Look at the benefits. No other state has a COVID-19 new case rate of zero. None.”

More applause.

“And land has never been this cheap. For the cost of a few hazmat suits we can drill for oil anywhere now. I want to thank military contractor Lockheed Martin for their speedy delivery of the necessary equipment to our armed forces. I know their stock price is way up. So where’s the downside in all this?”

Lockheed Martin is one of the largest military contractors in the USA. When reached by phone on the controversial action, spokesperson Amber Truman explained.

“We don’t make judgments on how our products are used. We simply provide the most reliable ordinance our government needs. Governor Talbot was going to bomb his state, so we’re glad he bought our bombs and not a competitor’s. Our stock is up, by the way.”

Governor Talbot could not be reached for further comment, as he had just begun a three-week vacation in the Caribbean.