GETTING THE FAX! Self-Described “Fighter for the People” Eagerly Awaits List of Talking Points from Think-Tanks

“I’m only one person, but I speak up for the little guy. Somebody has to,” explains Richard K. Brommel. “I like to think of myself as a soldier on the battlefield of ideas.”

Brommel is quick to explain he does his fighting the modern way: by insulting people on social media.

“And I’ve been close to being a casualty.”

A casualty? How so?

“It’s happened more than once. A crisis of faith. I was speaking out against bad ideas. Universal healthcare, a higher minimum wage, expanded unemployment. So of course I got replies from all kinds of people.”

He voice breaks a little as he describes the conflict. “I’m ashamed to admit it, but some of the counterpoints were making sense. It was a terrible feeling.”

He rests his hand on the faded-beige dust-covered FAX machine on his office desk.

“But I have a secret weapon. Sunday morning comes. And just like going to church, my faith is renewed.”

From a FAX machine?

“Absolutely. I’m on a mailing list. I get crib sheets from think tanks. They’re full of points to counter the socialist agenda. I get the words I need and I transcribe them to beat back the enemy. Better yet, I get my own mind back on track.”

“This is my church,” he says, patting the FAX machine. “It helps me fight the propaganda of our nation’s enemies.”

The FAX machine emitted a squealing scraping noise. It sounded as if rats were being boiled alive inside its plastic casing.

Brommel rubbed his palms together and smiled.

“Here it comes,” he said as a sheet of paper slid into the machine.

He yanked it out the other end as it emerged. His joyful expression melted.

“Another damn Chinese food menu. I’ve called them a bunch of times, but no one answers.”

Another fax came through the machine. He checked the masthead.

“Ah, here it comes! You’re in trouble now, you fools on the internet!”

He read the FAX aloud.

“Sure, a higher minimum wage sounds good, but what about the national deficit? What about millionaires who pay into the system much more? And free healthcare? That will ruin the market.”

He blinked rapidly.

“Sometimes it takes me a while to absorb it. But a soldier can’t protest his marching orders.”

He sat at his computer, laced his fingers and cracked his knuckles, palms forward.

“If you’ll excuse me now, I’m off to fight for the people!”

Then he mumbled. “Of course! The national deficit. Why didn’t I think of that?”

DOWN-SIZING! Cable News Networks Plan to Cut Costs by Amputating On-Air Talent at the Waist

News networks find their profits endangered by a fractured media landscape. Those businesses are looking for any way to cut costs. The latest industry trend?

Amputating all on-air talent from the waist down.

Karl L. Pillaje, head of an industry advocacy group, explained.

“We’re recommending our broadcasters cut in half their expert commentators. This will offer many savings benefits for the business and the individual. It will be easier to roll them among studios for re-use and multiple appearances. Storing them in closets between shows will be easier. As for the person, they will save money on pants, socks, underwear, and shoes.”

“I’m not thrilled, but I’ll go along,” said on-air business analyst, Professor Aaron M. Rellentorn.

“I often make the point that a company can choose how to treat its employees. If a worker doesn’t like the conditions, they can go get a new job in the same field. It follows that if I don’t want to be amputated at the waist, I can apply to another broadcasting gig. So do you know of any other news outlets that will pay me thousands a day to parrot fifteen minutes of commentary supplied to me by lobbyist groups that don’t require my legs be removed?”

Rellentorn laughed.

“What do I need legs for anyway? I sit all day and I’m filmed from the neck up. Viewers don’t need to see my lower body to receive my expert opinions. For all you know, I could be a robot.”

He then made a buzzing sound and his head drooped forward. He stayed like that for a full minute.

Finally, he looked up, smiling.

“I’m kidding,” he said. “I’m still human. Trust me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an interview. I have to justify not giving food to starving people because it would take pennies away from the rich.”

IMAGINE-NATION! Imaginary Well-Regulated Militia Defends Homeland Against Imaginary Invading Caravan

Somewhere in the minds of pretend patriots, a fantasy battle is taking place.

On one side is the imaginary well-regulated militia. This civilian fighting force is ready to mobilize in times of the USA’s greatest need. All citizens who own firearms are militia members, as stated in the second amendment.

In reality, this force does not exist, is not regulated by anyone, and any clown can own a gun. In the world of fantasy, this imaginary disciplined militia is ready for action.

Facing the fake militia in this made-up battle is a non-existent invading caravan rushing the USA’s southern border.

This illusive horde originated somewhere in Central America. Its members are an unlikely combination of Mexican gangs, Islamic terrorists, and Black Lives Matter activists. Other personnel include anyone else the imaginary militia hate-fears, regardless of geopolitical improbability.

This mythical caravan progresses like a slasher in a bad horror movie. It moves slowly, then suddenly appears near. Its location varies, depending on which imaginary militia member you ask. Some say it’s been heading north for years, others say it’s already at the USA’s border.

In reality, immigrants are the usual blend of the desperate and the hopeful, the good and evil. They are running from violence or searching for opportunity. Most are some combination of all that.

But in the imaginations of the fictional well-regulated militia, the pretend caravan is an army of murderous goons. And right now in this world of make-believe, the two fictitious sides are lining up for imaginary battle.

The fantasy militia has been mobilized by its non-existent regulating body. Pretend patriots from all fifty states have tearfully kissed their loved ones before rushing to the southern border.

Across the invisible line dividing the USA and Mexico, the mythical horde charges. The terror-beasts of these illusive invaders are praying to a non-Christian demon-god. Their mythical goal is singular: the destruction of the USA and genocidal decimation of her populace.

Please note that none of this is real… except for the strong belief that it is.

FORCE-FED FOMO! New App Saves Users Time by Automatically Posting Fake Stories of How Great their Lives Are

“The REALFAKE app is the best investment I ever made,” said John P. Wezerack. He was sitting on his couch, plunging his fist into a bowl of popcorn.

“Those dumbasses from high school? All those stuck-up chicks? Obnoxious jock bros? They never paid me any mind. Now they’re posting all over my social media, asking, ‘You coming to the reunion? You coming? You gotta be there, bro!’ Suckers. All thanks to REALFAKE.”

REALFAKE is a new time-saving app. For a monthly fee, it will automatically post to a user’s social media feeds. Using the latest deep fake techniques, the app posts images and videos of the user in various exciting and/or romantic activities. The app also utilizes an artificial intelligence engine to post text-only status updates. All this creates the illusion the user is living an amazing life.

In Mr. Wezerack’s case, the app auto-replied to the pleas for him to attend his high school reunion. “Sorry, I can’t make it,” the app posted. “Got a special weekend planned for the lady and I. True love can’t wait.”

“True love can’t wait,” Wezerack laughed, spraying popcorn bits. “Who would believe that but fools on social media? True love has been waiting for me forever.”

The replies from his former classmates indicated they had no idea the posts were made by the REALFAKE app.

“Aww, that’s so sweet. Do you have a brother? Then three hearts-over-the-eyes emojis. From Penny Jackson,” Wezerack said. “Penny friggen’ Jackson. She’s Penny Leibowitz or something now. And divorced. In high school, she wouldn’t even talk to me. Now? She’s all about it.”

“And look at this one. From Chase H. Thompson. Once the big man on campus, now a drunk loser. He looks at these REALFAKE posts of me working out and writes, ‘Bro, you buff, man. What’s your workout routine?’ I’ve been tempted to override the app and tell him to screw off. But that’s too much work.”

Wezerack showed a sample of a REALFAKE photo on his mobile phone.

“Look at this. The app put my face on this fit dude’s body, next to this hot girl. Supposedly my girlfriend. On a hiking trip. I’ve never gone hiking my whole life. Or had a girlfriend.”

Senior Software Engineer Jennie Tallenford, designer of REALFAKE, explained how the app works.

“Users upload a photo of their face, then choose from several personas. The app does the rest. There’s the ‘In love and must tell everyone’ persona. The ‘I have kids and everything they do is amazing’ persona. The ‘Single and loving it,’ the ‘Simple pleasures and religious quotes,’ the ‘World traveler who isn’t lonely.’ We’re adding more personas all the time. The future is automation. And people want to be fake. Fine then, let’s automate it.”

While flooded with venture capital funding, the REALFAKE app hasn’t been all success. In the early stages of its rollout, the app used the same stock photo for several thousand users. The result? It appeared that several thousand people went on the same hiking trip with the same partner.

“Very few people noticed,” Tallenford said. “The biggest complaint we got was from the stock footage models. Their spouses were upset because their partners appeared to be supernaturally promiscuous. We have since fixed that bug. The chances of duplicate photos are now so rare as to be nearly impossible.”

As for Wezerack, he intends to keep using the app. “As long as it makes other people feel inadequate, then my social media is doing its job.”