DOWN-SIZING! Cable News Networks Plan to Cut Costs by Amputating On-Air Talent at the Waist

News networks find their profits endangered by a fractured media landscape. Those businesses are looking for any way to cut costs. The latest industry trend?

Amputating all on-air talent from the waist down.

Karl L. Pillaje, head of an industry advocacy group, explained.

“We’re recommending our broadcasters cut in half their expert commentators. This will offer many savings benefits for the business and the individual. It will be easier to roll them among studios for re-use and multiple appearances. Storing them in closets between shows will be easier. As for the person, they will save money on pants, socks, underwear, and shoes.”

“I’m not thrilled, but I’ll go along,” said on-air business analyst, Professor Aaron M. Rellentorn.

“I often make the point that a company can choose how to treat its employees. If a worker doesn’t like the conditions, they can go get a new job in the same field. It follows that if I don’t want to be amputated at the waist, I can apply to another broadcasting gig. So do you know of any other news outlets that will pay me thousands a day to parrot fifteen minutes of commentary supplied to me by lobbyist groups that don’t require my legs be removed?”

Rellentorn laughed.

“What do I need legs for anyway? I sit all day and I’m filmed from the neck up. Viewers don’t need to see my lower body to receive my expert opinions. For all you know, I could be a robot.”

He then made a buzzing sound and his head drooped forward. He stayed like that for a full minute.

Finally, he looked up, smiling.

“I’m kidding,” he said. “I’m still human. Trust me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an interview. I have to justify not giving food to starving people because it would take pennies away from the rich.”

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