YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT! Nation Reels as Event Caught on Video is Officially Acknowledged to Have Happened

Today, a weary nation struggled to recover, its foundations shaken an unprecedented event.

“No one could have seen this coming. No one,” said cable news anchor Jonathan R. Wrightly. “Who would have expected that an event caught on video, in public, during daylight hours, and seen by millions would be officially acknowledged to have happened?”

Wrightly was referring to a viral video that swept across social media last week. After careful review, endless analysis and a long journey through the black box of courtroom battle, a representative of the court — and therefore the government at large — issued a verdict that decided, in effect, that the thing everyone saw did actually happen.

“You can feel it in the air,” said Dr. Simone K. Torrens. “People are dazed. Disoriented. I’ve never prescribed so many emergency mood stabilizers in my twenty-year career. We’ve been here so many times before: Police murder someone on camera and receive no punishment. Homegrown terrorists attack the capitol, and politicians claim it wasn’t real. Wall Street tanks the economy, and the messaging from the powerful blames it on immigrants. But today…”

Dr. Torrens braced herself against a door frame. “It’s making me woozy just thinking about it. Today, instead of being told we can’t believe what we’re seeing… the powerful are telling us what we already know: that what we saw with our own eyes is exactly what we saw with our own eyes.”

Not everyone was overjoyed. Culture Warriors across the media landscape chimed in.

“What’s next? Are we all going to watch the same unedited video and then agree that it occurred?” said Shane D. Kyuk, a popular conservative blogger. “Are we all going to see the exact same footage and come away with the conclusion that what we all saw is in fact, what happened? I, for one, maintain my right to think independently. Just because you and I see the exact same footage doesn’t mean that we’re agreeing on anything.”

Another popular blogger, Liz M. Brewster, who writes about cultural affairs, took a more pensive approach.

“It’s frightening. Something fundamental has shifted. If things go on like this, people are going to have to learn that there are occasionally consequences for their actions. And I’m not sure that’s a world any of us are ready for.”

BOGO TO GO! Amazon offers Buy One Get One Free Bathroom Break to Employees if they Subscribe to Prime

Responding to damning reports on working conditions at Amazon (NASDAQ: AMZN) the online giant has launched an exclusive deal available only to employees.

There’s only one catch. To qualify for the “Buy One Get One Free Bathroom Break,” employees must pay the yearly fee to subscribe to Amazon’s Prime service.

The deal currently has a solid five-star rating, accumulated from over 30,000 reviews. Critics have noted that all the reviews appeared immediately as soon as the page went live.

“Best. Prime Benefit. Ever. Five stars!” reads the first review on the Buy One Get One Free Bathroom Break product page, authored by Jon Q. Ihateunions.

“Two bathroom breaks? In one day? I’m so excited about this, I wet myself. Working at Amazon is the best!” wrote Jane Q. Unionsarebad.

“This is the best deal at Amazon since the last deal at Amazon,” read another review, left by Joseph Q. Votenounion. “And I can assure you, it won’t be as good as the next one! I only wish I could gift this deal! I’d buy some for my co-workers! Imagine how cool it would be if everyone got an additional two bathroom breaks!”

Despite the offering, the deal is still not enough to satisfy labor advocates. Several pro-worker groups put questions to the Amazon executive team.

When asked about the morality of working conditions so intense that employees must urinate in bottles, one anonymous spokesperson responded, “Morality? Where do I get that? Can you send me a link to the Amazon.com product page?”

A second anonymous source at Amazon teased a second Prime benefit in the works. This one also would be exclusive to employees who subscribe to Prime. It too is an attempt to deflect criticism.

“It’s a tribute to the people who work so hard make this company run,” the source said. “One thousand lucky employees, chosen by random draw, will have their names engraved on Mr. Bezos’ in-progress super-yacht.”

Above or below the waterline?

“Below, of course.”

UNIVERSAL WHO-CARES? Health Insurance Company Lands Government Contract to Offer Free Healthcare with Infinite Deductible

“Free health insurance is finally a reality in the USA.”

That was the big announcement at a joint press conference between Komplex Health United and the USA’s Federal Department of Health.

Speaking for the DOH was Director Morris P. Berlinger.

“We’re proud to announce a ten-year partnership with Komplex,” Berlinger said. “With their help, not a single American will go without health insurance. Together, we will be providing that service – free – to every single citizen who wants it.”

“We at Komplex are immensely proud to be part of the solution,” said Komplex Health spokesperson Helen W. Corrond. “Soon, any individual, regardless of income, will be eligible for the free Infinite Deductible plan. The result? Every single American will soon be covered by the health insurance industry.”

The tone of the announcement was upbeat, but the Q&A session that followed was contentious.

“A deductible is what a person pays before insurance starts paying,” one reporter said. “If the deductible is infinite, patients never reach a point where they get assistance. So what’s the point?”

“That’s missing the whole idea,” Corrond answered. “Patients will have health insurance at last.”

The next question was equally hostile.

“Is there any truth to the rumor that your company employs chatbots to quickly deny claims?”

“No truth at all,” said Corrond. “The result of this program will create jobs. Yes, we do use chatbots. As does every modern customer-centric company. But Komplex Health AI assistants will keep customers on the chat for at least an hour. Then, and only then will they deny the claim. That sort of care you don’t get from your average insurance company.”

The reporter pool would not let up.

“Wouldn’t it be easier for folks to have no insurance and pay their bills by themselves? And doesn’t citizens’ tax moneies go to the Department of Health, that in turn pays Komplex, who then kick in nothing toward medical bills?”

“Stop. Stop right there. Not at all,” interrupted a clearly-agitated Secretary Berlinger. “This is a new innovative insurance model that’s time has come. The days of people without insurance are history. Let me repeat. As a result of this project, not a single American will be without health insurance. Thank you.”

He abruptly ended the press conference.

Despite the verbal fireworks, most analyses in the business media were positive. Komplex Health’s stock price rose significantly based on the guaranteed influx of public cash.

Wall Street responded favorably by gaining however many the fuck whatevers to be impressive.