UNIVERSAL WHO-CARES? Health Insurance Company Lands Government Contract to Offer Free Healthcare with Infinite Deductible

“Free health insurance is finally a reality in the USA.”

That was the big announcement at a joint press conference between Komplex Health United and the USA’s Federal Department of Health.

Speaking for the DOH was Director Morris P. Berlinger.

“We’re proud to announce a ten-year partnership with Komplex,” Berlinger said. “With their help, not a single American will go without health insurance. Together, we will be providing that service – free – to every single citizen who wants it.”

“We at Komplex are immensely proud to be part of the solution,” said Komplex Health spokesperson Helen W. Corrond. “Soon, any individual, regardless of income, will be eligible for the free Infinite Deductible plan. The result? Every single American will soon be covered by the health insurance industry.”

The tone of the announcement was upbeat, but the Q&A session that followed was contentious.

“A deductible is what a person pays before insurance starts paying,” one reporter said. “If the deductible is infinite, patients never reach a point where they get assistance. So what’s the point?”

“That’s missing the whole idea,” Corrond answered. “Patients will have health insurance at last.”

The next question was equally hostile.

“Is there any truth to the rumor that your company employs chatbots to quickly deny claims?”

“No truth at all,” said Corrond. “The result of this program will create jobs. Yes, we do use chatbots. As does every modern customer-centric company. But Komplex Health AI assistants will keep customers on the chat for at least an hour. Then, and only then will they deny the claim. That sort of care you don’t get from your average insurance company.”

The reporter pool would not let up.

“Wouldn’t it be easier for folks to have no insurance and pay their bills by themselves? And doesn’t citizens’ tax moneies go to the Department of Health, that in turn pays Komplex, who then kick in nothing toward medical bills?”

“Stop. Stop right there. Not at all,” interrupted a clearly-agitated Secretary Berlinger. “This is a new innovative insurance model that’s time has come. The days of people without insurance are history. Let me repeat. As a result of this project, not a single American will be without health insurance. Thank you.”

He abruptly ended the press conference.

Despite the verbal fireworks, most analyses in the business media were positive. Komplex Health’s stock price rose significantly based on the guaranteed influx of public cash.

Wall Street responded favorably by gaining however many the fuck whatevers to be impressive.