EARNING THAT PAY! CEO Visits Warehouse Floor, Packages 4,000 Orders In Same Time as Frontline Worker Does 1

“It all started with a really bad day,” said Pete Rogelski, a frontline package handler at a large internet retailer’s warehouse.

“I was sweating my ass off because there’s no air conditioning. I had already used my pee break and wouldn’t get one for another eight hours. I was angry. Resentful.” 

Despite the inhumane conditions, Rogelski stays for the same reason anyone would: survival.

“I hate my job. It’s monotonous, back-breaking, and I make minimum wage. In my state, that’s seven dollars an hour. You can’t live on that working a standard forty hours. I do overtime every day. Then I read an article about how much our CEO was making and I was pissed. I folded my arms and let the orders pile up. My own little work stoppage.”

Despite warnings from co-workers, Rogelski continued his protest, causing his supervisor to inquire.

“I laid it out. ‘Look,’ I said. ‘Our CEO makes 28,000 dollars per hour. That’s 4,000 times as much as me. So he should be able to process 4,000 orders for every one I do. Tell him to get his ass down here and do 4,000 packages in the five minutes I have to do one, and I’ll go back to work.’” 

What happened next surprised everyone. The supervisor didn’t fire Rogelski, but instead, walked back to his office.

CEO Chip Jayhossen arrived on the warehouse floor shortly after.

“He was strolling towards me,” Rogelski said. “A herd of managers following like a celebrity’s entourage. I thought, oh this is bad, they’re not just going to fire me. They’re going to fire everyone.”

Instead, CEO Jayhossen spoke to the assembled workers.

“I hear some of my partners on the frontline have been talking smack about my pay. Some say, if I make 4,000 times as much as you warehouse folk, then I should be able to process 4,000 times as many orders. Well watch this!” 

You can see the amazement in Rogelski’s eyes as he recalls the event. “He rolled up his sleeves. And then disappeared. At least I thought he did, but no. He was just that fast!” 

“The job is simple. Get a printout of an order, get the stuff off the shelves, box it, tape it up, drop it on the outgoing conveyor belt. There was a blur, and stuff started piling up on the loading dock to be shipped out! I was shocked. You could barely see him move! All I heard was whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And there were little clouds of dust as he zipped past! People’s hair would flop up in his wake. It was like a cartoon! He was that damn fast.”

“His productivity counter hit an even 4,000 packages in five minutes. The loading bay was stacked high. [CEO Jayhossen] stopped, smacked his hands together and said, ‘Didn’t even break a sweat.’ Then he and his managers went back to wherever they came from. What a badass!”

Rogelski shook his head.

“That’s all we workers want. A little bit of fairness. If you’re going to be making 4,000 times more than I am, then all I ask is you prove you’re worth 4,000 times as much. And he did it. I stand corrected. And speaking of stand, I got to get back in line to meet my quota. This interview burned up some time, so only another seven hours until my pee break.”

NOTHING TO SEE HERE! Creators of “Critical Race Theory Moral Panic” win big at the “Distract the People with Bullshit” Awards

The “Distract the People with Bullshit” awards isn’t as glamorous an affair as the Oscars, but that’s the point.

While the Hollywood Oscars award ceremony is a barely avoidable cultural event, the Distract the People with Bullshit awards is a secretive affair. All founders and attendees are anonymous. Instead of a tux and evening gowns, everyone wears a dark, hooded cloak.

“Our work occurs in secret, as it must,” said the ceremony’s host in his or her introductory speech. “We are always working against the tide. Lately, more than ever. The cultural shifts brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic has caused a great questioning.”

At the word “questioning” the small audience booed and hissed.

“Under the stress of quarantine, the peons reconsidered what truly mattered. Once again, they asked questions so dangerous to us: Why do they struggle for basic survival, while we effortlessly inherit fabulous wealth? Why do we, the rich, get richer while they get poorer? We know the answer. They know the answer. And they would do something about it, if it wasn’t for the people in this room to distract them!”

That line received thunderous applause. Several in the audience nodded approval so vigorously their hoods almost fell loose.

As with the Oscars, after a winner is announced, a snippet of the winner is played on a large screen. Samples of the success of the Critical Race Theory Moral Panic included a montage of angry folks shouting at their local school boards. Then it focused on a single woman speaking to a news outlet.

“I’m a single mom, working as a hospital admin. No healthcare and three kids. During the pandemic they said I had to work because I was an essential worker. So I says, ‘You gonna pay me like I’m essential?’ And they didn’t. Got me mad. I started thinking we needed a union. But that got put aside when I heard someone was teaching Critical Race Theory. Not on my watch! That’s when I knew I had to act. I worked the whole pandemic. Still no pay raise, still no health care. But I’ll be damned if I sit silent while college profs and students discuss race.”

By the end of the night, the hooded, cloaked architects of the “Critical Race Theory Moral Panic” were struggling to haul several golden “Distracty” statuettes from the ballroom. The small sculpture is of an index finger crossing over lips, the universal sign of “be quiet.”

The architects of the “Critical Race Theory Moral Panic” controversy ended the night winning in several coveted categories, including:

  • Best Distraction from Wealth Inequality
  • Best Talking Point for Politicians To Avoid Material Change
  • Best Topic Turning Working Class People Against Each Other
  • Best Subject to Inflame the Culture Wars
  • Best Cable News Talking Head Pointless Debate Topic
  • Best All-Around Astroturf

As the night ended and the hooded attendees filed out to their limos, the winning creative team clustered together to celebrate.

“What’s next for your group?” someone in the passing crowd asked.

The hooded figure standing at the front answered. “We’ll be able to ride this Critical Race Theory for a while, I think. Then it’s back to brainstorming. Every year it gets harder to distract the masses from the fact that we’re robbing them.”

“There’s only so many times we can rely on the classic, ‘Who is disrespecting the flag now?’”

HISTORY ON REPEAT! Americans Gather this July 4th to Celebrate Nearly 2.5 Centuries of Zero Lessons Learned

This July Fourth, Americans of all kinds will come together to celebrate nearly two and a half centuries of zero lessons learned.

We caught up with some average Americans to hear what history has consistently and obviously shown, that they intend to ignore and repeat.

Jane Smithling, age 55, was focusing on economic lessons.

“Decades ago, they said that giving monetary subsidies to the rich would create jobs. They called it trickle-down economics back then,” said American Jane Smithling. “Now they call it stimulus, or tax relief, but it’s the same plan: give money to the rich in order to help the poor. Turns out the rich keep extra money. We’ve been trying it for years, and it never works. Ah, what that hell, let’s try again.”

The list of historical events ignored and tragedies repeated are as countless and varied as the individuals who make up this great nation. Robert Cornman, age 29, was hoping to continue the tradition of disastrous de-regulation.

“Sure, this holiday is about celebrating government, but the government can’t do squat. We should reduce red tape and interference. It’s obvious minimal government oversight frees companies up. Of course, then they cut corners to make a profit and the public space suffers, but it’s got to work one of these times, right? How old is our nation now? 244? Maybe the two-hundred forty-fourth time’s the charm!”

Of course, no Independence Day would be complete without fireworks accidents.

“Last July fourth,” said Daniel Sloaner, age 22, “I got wasted and tried to launch a firecracker out of my butthole. The thing got stuck, the sparks burned my ass and then the cracker exploded. I was in the burn-ward facedown for a solid week. They know me there because I’ve done that every year for the last five years.”

So, recalling this, is he going to try it again?

“Of course. You call it failing to learn from history. I call it tradition.”