HISTORY ON REPEAT! Americans Gather this July 4th to Celebrate Nearly 2.5 Centuries of Zero Lessons Learned

This July Fourth, Americans of all kinds will come together to celebrate nearly two and a half centuries of zero lessons learned.

We caught up with some average Americans to hear what history has consistently and obviously shown, that they intend to ignore and repeat.

Jane Smithling, age 55, was focusing on economic lessons.

“Decades ago, they said that giving monetary subsidies to the rich would create jobs. They called it trickle-down economics back then,” said American Jane Smithling. “Now they call it stimulus, or tax relief, but it’s the same plan: give money to the rich in order to help the poor. Turns out the rich keep extra money. We’ve been trying it for years, and it never works. Ah, what that hell, let’s try again.”

The list of historical events ignored and tragedies repeated are as countless and varied as the individuals who make up this great nation. Robert Cornman, age 29, was hoping to continue the tradition of disastrous de-regulation.

“Sure, this holiday is about celebrating government, but the government can’t do squat. We should reduce red tape and interference. It’s obvious minimal government oversight frees companies up. Of course, then they cut corners to make a profit and the public space suffers, but it’s got to work one of these times, right? How old is our nation now? 244? Maybe the two-hundred forty-fourth time’s the charm!”

Of course, no Independence Day would be complete without fireworks accidents.

“Last July fourth,” said Daniel Sloaner, age 22, “I got wasted and tried to launch a firecracker out of my butthole. The thing got stuck, the sparks burned my ass and then the cracker exploded. I was in the burn-ward facedown for a solid week. They know me there because I’ve done that every year for the last five years.”

So, recalling this, is he going to try it again?

“Of course. You call it failing to learn from history. I call it tradition.”

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