HISTORIC OLYMPICS! Ignorami Break Sprinting Speed Records Racing to Issue First Dumb Criticism of Simone Biles

The news shocked the Olympic and gymnastic world. 

Simone Biles, the once-in-a-generation elite athlete had withdrawn from competing further in the Tokyo 2020 Olympic games, citing mental health reasons. (full story)

Fans were stunned. They would not get to see the heavily gold-medaled gymnast compete on the world stage. 

Olympic watchers were disappointed.

But there was a silver lining in the gray cloud. Olympics enthusiasts got to see world-record-breaking sprints, as cranky culture warriors around the world raced to be the first to release dumb criticism of Ms. Biles.

“It’s always best to be first,” said Fred Shabiro, stumbling across his basement in an awkward dash to reach his podcasting microphone. He would have been the clear winner, the first to issue a dumb comment, except he had to catch his breath.

“Damn,” he gasped. “Just a few steps and I’m winded,” he said, before issuing his criticism of a woman who can launch herself into the air twice her height. While doing flips.

Shabiro was in a dead heat with Schumker Jaarlsen, a leading TV pundit and trust-fund kid who wages the culture war nightly. “Gotta be the first!” he screamed, as he bolted from his corner office and across his multi-million-dollar television studio a distance of 3 meters (approximately 10 feet.)

He bravely waved off his make-up and hair people and signaled his camera crew to immediately start recording. “This is an opportunity! Breaking news! We gotta be the first!” he screeched between heavy breaths as his brow-beaten crew darted in all directions.

The issue was so tailor-made for pointless anger that deceased ignoramus Russ Flimbuagh rose from the grave and made his way to his old radio station. Zombies are usually known for their plodding gait, but the urgency propelled the undead Flimbaugh to move in a rapid shamble. Witnesses likened the relatively quick zombie commentator to a rhino on hind legs dancing the hula.

“I couldn’t miss out on this one,” Flimbaugh said through rotting teeth and withered lips, as he took his seat in the studio. “This is what I was made for. I’d come back from the dead for a chance to direct righteous rage at a famous, young, successful black woman exercising her autonomy with quiet confidence.”

Further commentary was cut off as his rotting lower jaw disconnected and fell to the studio floor.

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