”A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.”
So reads the Second Amendment to the US Constitution. Much debated and hated, memorized and loved. You can find many interpretations, but it’s rare to find anyone who insists the USA is not a mostly free country.
But if the USA is free, then as the second Amendment states, there must be a well-regulated, citizen-sourced militia. So where is this well-regulated militia? And who regulates it?
“I do,” says Ebenezer Thaddeus Zechariah, head of the obscure Militia Regulatory Agency.
The MRA was formed immediately after the drafting of the Second Amendment in the late 18th century. The agency’s purpose is to oversee the forming of militias across the nation. It will deploy these militias when needed to defend the values of the constitution.
“We’re the best kept secret in all the Crown’s colonies,” said Zechariah. “I haven’t had a visitor since I was appointed Militia Regulator by the Continental Congreff.”
The MRA’s office is difficult to find. It’s behind an unmarked door in the twisting underground tunnels beneath the Capitol. Once inside, one must climb over a broken water cooler and a defunct paper shredder while dodging several heaps of rat droppings.
“I stand at the ready,” Zechariah said, his long white beard stretching five feet to the floor. “It’s taking longer than expected. I thought we’d be busier. True citizens should be arriving with details regarding their militias. We need numbers and how they might receive orders to coordinate. Tell me, good sir, have they solved the problem of bumpy rides in horse-drawn carriages? I do get so nauseous when traveling afar, such as, say, five miles.”
Mr. Zechariah was profoundly surprised to learn that well over two hundred years had passed since the formation of the MRA.
“Egads! But then who is regulating the militias? Without organization, any pub-sop loonabout could brandish a musket and cause mayhem in the town square. Hooligans could amass and terrorize the countryside. Without coordination, ‘twould be anarchy!”
Well, yeah. Exactly.
“Kind sir, I need you to immediately dispatch messenger on the swiftest horse with hellfire urgency! Notify the the citizenry that should they wish to honor the Second Amendment, they must report to me. Until then, that’s a dishonest reading of the clause, and the nation is not free!”
Zechariah ran his fingers through his curly white wig, jostling loose a cloud of dandruff.
“Zounds!” he said. “To separate arms from organization be the height of foolery! To consider otherwise ‘twould equate patriotism with the nonsensical ravings of a carnival clown!”