IT’S RAINING MEN-TALS! U.S. State Department Issues Dire Warning For Anyone Traveling to Local School Board Meetings

The state department has issued a dire travel warning to anyone visiting or passing by local school board and township meetings.

“Travelers to [these meetings] are warned to exercise extreme caution. Such gatherings have become hot-spots for mob activity by the local population. Such mobs exhibit erratic behavior ranging from the ignorant to cruel to violent. If you find yourself at such a meeting, exit the area immediately.”

State Department Spokesperson Shelly R. Cialdini provided further advice at a news conference.

“Do not attempt to reason with members of these mobs. Reason only enrages them further. Also, we advise you wear some form of face covering to protect yourself from flying spittle.”

Ms. Cialdini then attempted to explain what has led to the recent flash-mob attacks at normally calm and dull administrative meetings.

“The State Department believes this behavior is ignited by the stress of the COVID pandemic. It’s understandable there would be some difference of opin— what the hell?”

As Ms. Cialdini was speaking, she was shoved aside by a woman wearing a placard that read, “I’ve Done MY Resark(sic)!” Around a dozen people stormed onto the press conference stage. All were wearing placards addressing multiple issues.

“Vaceins(sic) are mruder(sic)!”

“We will not be sliencd(sic)!”

“I’m not whereing(sic) no masck(sic)!”

“Fredom(sic) for the Poeple(sic)!”

The small crowd shoved Ms. Cialdini aside. The first woman, who refused to identify herself, spoke to the assembled press.

“We’re coming for you!” she said, “No conference is safe! We’re doing our research, and we’ll find you lizard people of Satan! Your communist agenda won’t impede our freedom! No matter how many 5G towers you put up! You’re supposed to be running schools, so why don’t you do it?”

“But they can’t,” screamed Ms. Cialdini, “They can’t run the school when you show up and rant off-topic!”

She than ran for the exit. The mob failed to give chase. Instead, each member took their turn ranting about the subject of their choice.

The commentary is too long to reprint here in full. Like a lazy SEO Specialist drafting content for a web page, the usual keywords made repeated appearances devoid of context.

Satan, 5G, bleach, vaccination, pedophilia, and socialism were all mentioned frequently.

MOURNING IN AMERICA! Military Industrial Complex Flies Flags at Half-Mast to Remember Profits Gone By

The executive boardroom at Global Dominance Corporation International was somber and subdued. Outside the monolith corporate headquarters of the defense contractor, an array of two dozen American flags were flying at half-mast.

“Remember September 12, 2001? When the nation came together and gave us a blank check?” said CEO Wilbur X. McKraken. “What a wonderful time it was! They were hurling money at us. Profits soared. Best year of my career then.”

The executive team sighed wistfully.

“Yeah, true,” sighed CFO Sarah J. Feldstammer. “They were like, here ya go, kids, go crazy. Murder tons of people in revenge. Go invade somewhere. Park the whole damn military there for decades. We don’t care who, just do something, and do it for good long time. We leveraged not one, but TWO land wars out of 9/11. That’s some serious cash. I bought a third yacht that year.”

Chief Lobbyist Gordon G. Burton wiped a tear from his cheek, smearing his bronzer tan.

“I barely had to work those latter months of 2001. Senators always come cheap, but back then, they came almost free. Usually I’d bribe ‘em with cash, maybe pay for a visit from a pre-teen hooker. Then they’re yours to command. They wanted so badly to pay us to bomb someone, one even offered to send ME a pre-teen hooker.”

The executive board chuckled sadly.

“And now? It’s all dried up,” he said, before leaning his elbow on the fine marble table, pinching his eyes with thumb and forefinger, and weeping.

CFO Feldstammer rubbed his shoulder, comforting him.

“Well,” sighed CEO McKraken, “There’s only so long you can milk a cow. There’s only so long you can go to a well. And while the checks are still flowing, our sacred duty to The Market requires we earn more and more. We had a good run, team, sure did, but now it’s time to say farewell. No. Wait. This isn’t a good bye, it’s a celebration of a time well-lived.”

He lifted his coffee mug. “A toast! Never forget the profits of 9/11!”

The other executives raised their mugs and repeated, “Never forget the profits of 9/11!”

CEO Wilbur sat down. “Now, looking toward the future. What could be even bigger profit stream for us than 9/11? What’s our next cash cow? Come on, hit me.”  

“False flag?”

“Too risky,” countered McKraken. “But good. Keep ‘em coming.”

“Drug war.”

“Too old school.”

“Threats from Russia?”

“Been there. Done that.”

“Fear of China rising?”

CEO McKraken paused.

“Now you’re on to something.”

TAKING LIBERTIES! Anti-Masker Asserts Safety is a Personal Duty while Pedestrian He Struck Bounces Over His Car

Aggressive anti-mask vigilante James Maltby drove through a red light, striking a pedestrian crossing the street. The human being crumpling against his bumper surprised but didn’t faze him.

In fact, Maltby began a lecture, launching into his philosophy on personal responsibility.

“See that?” he said, pounding the steering wheel with both palms. “See what you did?” he yelled as the body rolled up his car’s hood.

“This is exactly the problem with our society,” he explained. “People like you! Sure, you waited for the ‘Ok to walk’ symbol before you entered the intersection. And yes, I know I blasted right through that red light at top speed. But the fact remains, your safety is your responsibility, not mine.”

The pedestrian had no response, as she was concussed.

“See?” Maltby said confidently. “You have no counter-argument.”

The struck victim’s skull sustained further damage as it bounced off the windshield. A spider-web fracture appeared in the glass at the point of impact.

Maltby continued.

“Some say we live in a society and should expect some inconveniences. That way we accommodate all. They say my freedom ends when it impacts your freedom. I call bullshit on that. Your rights should not intrude on my freedom to live as I choose. If they do, then I’m not free, am I?”

The unconscious pedestrian did not counter this argument. Two of her ribs broke inside her chest and her limp body bounced on the car’s roof.

Maltby further elaborated on his views regarding the balance between freedom and societal needs.

“It’s like this whole mask thing. They say we should wear it to protect others during a pandemic. If everyone just follows the rules, we’ll all be fine. Wrong! We might be healthy, but we’ll be giving up our freedom. And really, what’s more important? Do we need laws? Of course, we do, but–”

The unconscious pedestrian never did find out what Maltby’s next thoughts were. As her body landed on the pavement and rolled clear of the intersection, a much larger SUV struck Maltby’s vehicle.

The enormous truck T-boned Maltby’s sedan, striking the driver’s side door. Maltby was not wearing his seat belt, which he would have explained was another expression of his views on freedom, were he not hurled across the car’s interior. His body crumpled against the passenger side, where he suffered a broken back and broken neck.

The driver of the SUV stomped on the brakes and scanned the scene. He noted the severely injured pedestrian at the curb. He saw the internally bleeding Maltby in his car.

“Oh my God!” the SUV driver screamed. “You went through the stop sign! I had right of way. I’ll call an ambulance!”

“No…” gasped Maltby.

“No? But you’re dying!”

“And I would do it again,” he gasped, gurgling blood. “For freedom.”