The state department has issued a dire travel warning to anyone visiting or passing by local school board and township meetings.
“Travelers to [these meetings] are warned to exercise extreme caution. Such gatherings have become hot-spots for mob activity by the local population. Such mobs exhibit erratic behavior ranging from the ignorant to cruel to violent. If you find yourself at such a meeting, exit the area immediately.”
State Department Spokesperson Shelly R. Cialdini provided further advice at a news conference.
“Do not attempt to reason with members of these mobs. Reason only enrages them further. Also, we advise you wear some form of face covering to protect yourself from flying spittle.”
Ms. Cialdini then attempted to explain what has led to the recent flash-mob attacks at normally calm and dull administrative meetings.
“The State Department believes this behavior is ignited by the stress of the COVID pandemic. It’s understandable there would be some difference of opin— what the hell?”
As Ms. Cialdini was speaking, she was shoved aside by a woman wearing a placard that read, “I’ve Done MY Resark(sic)!” Around a dozen people stormed onto the press conference stage. All were wearing placards addressing multiple issues.
“Vaceins(sic) are mruder(sic)!”
“We will not be sliencd(sic)!”
“I’m not whereing(sic) no masck(sic)!”
“Fredom(sic) for the Poeple(sic)!”
The small crowd shoved Ms. Cialdini aside. The first woman, who refused to identify herself, spoke to the assembled press.
“We’re coming for you!” she said, “No conference is safe! We’re doing our research, and we’ll find you lizard people of Satan! Your communist agenda won’t impede our freedom! No matter how many 5G towers you put up! You’re supposed to be running schools, so why don’t you do it?”
“But they can’t,” screamed Ms. Cialdini, “They can’t run the school when you show up and rant off-topic!”
She than ran for the exit. The mob failed to give chase. Instead, each member took their turn ranting about the subject of their choice.
The commentary is too long to reprint here in full. Like a lazy SEO Specialist drafting content for a web page, the usual keywords made repeated appearances devoid of context.
Satan, 5G, bleach, vaccination, pedophilia, and socialism were all mentioned frequently.