Basic Grammar and Spelling Errors Obscure Intent of Death Threats

“I wish people would learn to spell,” said Mike Kelvitt.

Kelvitt works as an unpaid intern for Congressperson Sarah Penning. His job is to tabulate and filter constituent communications, responding when appropriate.

“Sounds easy, right?” he said. “But Rep Penning gets a lot of weird emails. Here’s an example. One line.”

YOUR DEAD SUCK MY COCK

Kelvig shrugged. “Is it a poem? A haiku? Heavy metal lyrics?” he asked. “But why send that? Maybe he’s looking for zombie porn? I’m sure there’s a site that offers that, but gross.”

He shrugged, marked a tally on his tablet and began typing.

“When I’m not sure what to do,” he said, “I send the standard response. Thank you for contacting my office. Always glad to hear from you. Blah blah blah.”

He clicked to the next email then banged his fist on his desk. “And here’s another one.”

YOU’RE KIND OUR NOTWWELCOM HEAR

“What the hell does that mean? Does ‘your kind’ mean ‘people similar to you?’ Or did he mean to use the contraction? ‘You are kind.’ But then what’s the rest of it? Are now welcome here? That’s nice. Or did he put in ‘not’ but forgot to take it out? Your kind welcome here? I don’t know. Canned response for that one.”

Kelvitt rolled his eyes and looked at the clock.

“Seven and a half more hours to quitting time,” he mumbled, clicking to the next email.

“And here’s another. This one has an attachment. A photo of a gun. Sounds bad, but the text makes no sense.”

DONT BE SURPRIED WHEN YOU SHOP

“I think that third word should be ‘surprised.’ But why contact Rep. Penning about it? And who gets surprised if they are the ones who go shopping? It doesn’t make any sense. And the gun picture? Is he saying she should buy a gun? I don’t know. And another canned response.”

When asked how he felt about his internship, Kelvitt was vague.

“I don’t hate it. Would be nice to get some pay. They said I would get life experience. But really, in the adult world, will I ever need to decipher gibberish written by lunatics who write in all caps?”

10,001st Reply Insulting Gleefully Corrupt Senator Causes Change of Heart

Florida Senator Clyde Gelmore was once called, “The Troll with No Soul.” Known for his acrid social media posts, Gelmore seemed impervious to criticism.

His comments always generated angry replies. He would “get ratioed” as the kids say. (Meaning he got more angry replies than likes.) But this week, while reading furious responses, something new happened.

“I did it to relax,” the senator said. “I’d sign off on another corporate bailout. Then I’d hit the keyboard to rub it in. I’d say something like, ‘The rich get to work, the poor whine on social media.’ Then I’d enjoy a brandy and chuckle as their futile, angry replies rolled in.”

Senator Gelmore paged through the document of responses printed by his staff.

“Look at them all. Thousands calling for my job, for my seat, for my head. So much anger, so much hate. I would laugh and laugh, until…”

Gelmore paused, took a deep breath, and gazed out his office window before continuing.

“Everything was normal after I read 10,000 comments. Contempt was giving way to boredom. I was about to move on.”

He sighed.

“But that 10,001st reply got me. I can’t even remember what it said. It wasn’t any different than all the others.”

He cleared his throat before continuing.

“Suddenly I realized they had a point. I was a greedy criminal. I should change.”

Following the epiphany, Gelmore withdrew his support for the latest corporate welfare. His party ejected him and now he’s declared independent.

What’s next for the new, more polite Senator Gelmore?

“I’m not sure. Just remember it’s always best to add your input online. Even if thousands of people have said the same thing and you say nothing new. You never know when someone might take the time to read 10,000 replies insulting them. And that ten thousand first one might make the difference.”

List of Horrifying Side Effects Consumes Over Half the Content of New Drug Ad

The team at Diversified Marketing was eager to market-test their ad for a new drug, Zanlaxa™.

“We couldn’t have been prouder. I loved what we produced for our Big Pharma client,” said Diversified CEO, Glenn Haberstove. “Unfortunately, the focus group reviews weren’t great.”

The video advertisement is an industry-standard thirty seconds long. More than half of that running time is taken up by a list of gross and painful possible side effects.

The target demographic focus group began with positive reviews.

“When I hear the made-up word Zanlaxa™ it sounds like a mashup of ‘zen’ and ‘relax.’ I like it,” said one respondent.

That’s where the good news ended.

From another comment card: “What do I remember about the ad? They mentioned ‘bleeding from the eyes’ as a possible side effect. That’s awful. I thought that only happened in horror movies. Now I’m freaked out.”

“Come on,” whined Haberstove. “No one listens to that whisper voice at the end of drug ads. Sure, it’s required by law. But these side effects are possible, not guaranteed.”

Other members of the focus group expressed similar concerns.

“I liked it at first. Sad cartoon lady walking in a field of flowers. A bird with Zanlaxa™ written on its side lands on her hand. Then she’s happy. The lady and the bird skip through the forest. Good so far, right? But while they’re skipping, the voiceover says you might get ‘gangrene of the taint.’ How is that even possible?”

Another commenter was far more descriptive.

“Permanently explosive diarrhea, collapsed lung, chronic clogged sinuses? What the hell is this drug supposed to cure? Good news bad news. Your disease is cured, but you have explosive diarrhea For the rest of your life? I’ll take my chances with the disease.”

Diversified CEO Haberstove wasn’t ready to give up yet.

“Our only option now is to try again by hiring a new focus group.”

Influencer Cancels Self for Shameful Sin of Spontaneous Laughter

Today, social media superstar Zurbonzo left a tearful farewell video message to his many fans.

“Greetings for the last time,” he said. “I’m canceling myself.”

The influencer had amassed at least ten million followers across all platforms. A single mention on his feeds – average price six figures – could make or break any product or event.

In an age of social media star-makers, Zurbonzo was above them all – but no longer. All postings on his feeds are gone except for the farewell video.

“Why am I canceled?” he said. “It’s simple. I overheard a joke. And I laughed.”

The titan of social media continued his public confession between choking sobs.

“I wasn’t thinking. I was with two other people and I overheard one whisper a joke to the other. I dare not share the content of this so-called joke. Know that it was about the traits of others. To my eternal shame, I laughed. Not aloud, but inside my mind. I felt the desire to laugh. And that is enough.”

Voice breaking, Zurbonzo continued.

“A moment of spontaneous joy, and my world has ended.”

He paused to wipe his tears.

“Wrong is wrong. Mocking others is no laughing matter. Too late, I realized I was being a garbage person. The kind I’ve dragged and called out, led boycotts of, and canceled. I’ve ended careers for less. I can be no exception. I’m so sorry.”

Zurbonzo fans worldwide expressed their sorrow.

“It’s horrible. Just horrible,” said Mel Fortuna, president of the We Love Zurbonzo Club. “If Zurbonzo can be brought down by sudden and surprising joy, what hope is there for the rest of us?”

That disappointment fueled a call to action.

“Zurbonzo was a warrior who led the charge to cancel people who deserved it. I once loved him, but now I hate him. It’s frankly disgusting that he would laugh at a joke. It shows his heart is impure. He did everything he said he was against. Good riddance!”

Fortuna has changed the name of the Zurbonzo Fan Club to the We Hate Zurbonzo Club.

We spoke with one of Zurbonzo’s first targets, former syndicated columnist Edgar K. Crustings. Zurbonzo led a boycott of Crustings over what he called insensitive remarks. The action led to the writer’s early retirement.

“He laughed in his head?” Crustings said. “He didn’t have to tell anybody. And he did? What a fruitcake. If I didn’t hate the guy for ending my career, I might feel sorry for him. Christ, laugh a little. Life is short.”

Some hopeful fans suggested Zurbonzo’s self-cancel was a stunt. Was it all a play for more attention?

It’s doubtful. Zurbonzo’s many sponsors confirmed receipt of canceled contracts.

We have only his final words to go on.

“I could have kept quiet. But where are we without honesty? Without accountability? Let my failure be a lesson to us all. One moment of internal spontaneous joy, and I have fallen. It cannot be taken back. It will not be forgiven. And with that, I leave you.”

As of this writing, #WeHateZurbonzo was trending.