It’s the nation’s largest yearly gathering of evangelicals. Critics call it “Woodstock for America’s religious extremists.” Organizers call it the “Beautifully Divine Sacred Ministry festival.”

Attempting to attract a younger crowd, organizers abbreviated the name as the BDSM Festival. They encouraged the use of #BDSMfest on social media.

That’s when a wholly different demographic took notice.

Reverend Harold Melchior, spokesperson for the BDSM Festival, addressed the screw-up. 

“Of course, God loves everyone. He embraces all kinds. But I knew something was off when in walked a pale, shirtless man wearing a white studded bikini. He was holding hands with another man in pink chain-mail and feathery angel wings. I know the bible by heart and I’m certain there aren’t any passages that reference get-ups like that.”

Attendee Sally Calebsen felt the need to shield the eyes of her seven daughters. “We saw a group of three making a complete mockery of the holy family. The baby Jesus was a short hairy man wearing a tight black diaper. He was being carried by a woman, who from the fishnet robe, I guess was supposed to be Joseph. But Mary? Lord! Mary’s skirt was so tight it was see-through. And she was carrying a whip. And spanking the baby with it.”

“Let me tell you,” Mrs. Calebsen whispered. “That Mary was clearly not a virgin. I’m not even sure she was a she.”

“What a screw up,” Reverend Melchior said. “It was completely disrespectful. Hundreds of true Christians showed up but so did all those other folks. All of them half-naked and enduring torture. All we wanted to do was worship Jesus on the cross.”

In the ocean somewhere, a catfish expressed frustration at his lack of success with online dating.

“Most people complain that profiles don’t match reality,” the catfish said. “So I tried a different approach. I’m totally, completely honest. No filters, no exaggerations, just honesty. But it’s not working for me. I’ve made exactly zero connections.”

The catfish swam around before continuing.

“Everyone wants someone who is authentic. I’m real as real gets. In my bio, I was straight up. I wrote, ‘I’m a catfish. I may just be a weird fish with whisker-like growths, but I need love, too. And I’m willing to share. Hobbies include swimming and eating raw fish.’ So far, no luck.”

The catfish swam around some more then went on. “I didn’t give up. If they weren’t coming to me, I would go to them. Either I get no response, or ‘Ew, you’re a catfish.’ or ‘A catfish isn’t supposed to announce they’re a catfish, dumbass.’ Things like that. It’s confusing. Do they want me to be authentic or not?”

Despite the challenges, when asked if he was going to give up on the online dating scene, the catfish expressed optimism.

“I’m not going to give up. I know there’s a match for me out there. There’s plenty of humans on the land.”

Reading Teacher Edna P. Callendo whined yet again that her students don’t like reading.

“I assigned them ‘Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man’ by James Joyce,” Ms. Callendo said, as she smoked outside the teacher’s lounge of PS 152 in Dayton, Ohio. “Not one of them read it. Several even turned in their book reports with the Wikipedia page link printed at the bottom.”

Ms. Callendo has attempted several approaches to get the students interested in reading, none have had success.

“After the Wikipedia plagiarism incident, I switched them to oral reporting. I assigned ‘The Old Man and The Sea’ by Ernest Hemingway. Nice and short, right? That was a disaster, too. If one more kid said some variation of ‘It was about an elderly person fishing’ I was going to vomit.”

“These kids don’t like anything. The Catcher in the Rye? Disaster. Moby Dick? No one read it. Ulysses by Joyce? No dice.”

Callendo continued her rant. “Young folk just aren’t interested in reading. If I ask them about Vampires or Zombies, they’re all into those. They know everything about them, up and down. I don’t know how they get all that information. Can’t come from just movies.”

Grammarians warn “There Are No Rules Any More” as permutations for the spelling of the name Britney reaches double digits.

“It’s total chaos out there,” said Professor Niles Muberhagen, head of the Naming Project, an organization that tracks baby names in the USA. “I’ve seen at least a dozen variations: Britni Britnee Britnahey Britanee Brittany Brittknee Britahiney Brittnie Britneigh Brihtny Bryytny. Bherhityany. On and on. Worst part about it is you can take the same suffixes and make as many variations of the name Ashley. No name is safe from this.”

Muberhagen added, “At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if folks start adding Qs and Xs at the end of their names and just declare them silent. Jesus.” 

When asked if he could explain the source of this trend, Muberhagen said, “I think it’s just a sign of the times. Everyone is trying so hard to be unique, but they all sound the same.”