“Total Chaos” Warns Name Expert As Options for Spelling “Britney” reach Double Digits

Two young ladies. At least one is probably named Britney.
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Grammarians warn “There Are No Rules Any More” as permutations for the spelling of the name Britney reaches double digits.

“It’s total chaos out there,” said Professor Niles Muberhagen, head of the Naming Project, an organization that tracks baby names in the USA. “I’ve seen at least a dozen variations: Britni Britnee Britnahey Britanee Brittany Brittknee Britahiney Brittnie Britneigh Brihtny Bryytny. Bherhityany. On and on. Worst part about it is you can take the same suffixes and make as many variations of the name Ashley. No name is safe from this.”

Muberhagen added, “At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if folks start adding Qs and Xs at the end of their names and just declare them silent. Jesus.” 

When asked if he could explain the source of this trend, Muberhagen said, “I think it’s just a sign of the times. Everyone is trying so hard to be unique, but they all sound the same.”

NRA Vows to Help Fight Wildfires with Flamethrowers

A problem that the NRA believes could use more fire.
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The NRA announced today that they have shipped several flamethrowers to Australia and California to help those regions fight raging wildfires.

The move is part of the group’s recent efforts to expand its mission and attract new members. NRA membership has sagged in recent years due to the public’s weak enthusiasm for getting shot and mocking survivors of gun violence.

“We have always had a unique approach,” spokesman Wayne LaPierre said in a statement. “In the past, when there were too many guns, we prescribed more guns. This is a logical extension of that reasoning.”

Also included in the shipment will be materials for children. A comic featuring the new mascot, “Flamey McBurnsalot” will assist young ones in proper flamethrower handling.

“The only way to stop a bad fire is with a good fire,” LaPierre said. “If we burn down the entire forest before a fire gets there, the wildfire has no fuel. This rationale works for us with guns, because the logic is irrefutable.”

Asked about the dangers a flamethrower may pose to its operator, LaPierre responded, “Flamethrowers don’t burn people. Fires do.”