DEFCON DONG! U.S. Cyber Command Denies Being Hacked Despite All Terminals Showing Poorly-Drawn Wangs

The U.S. Cyber Command Center oversees the nation’s military internet security.

General Paul Higgenbotham, Center Director, held a press conference to combat rumors that core systems were hacked.

“I want everyone to know — you in the media and the citizenry — know the stories that we’ve been hacked are completely false.”

The denial was refuted by dozens of video terminals behind the general in the center’s “War Room.” Each screen was a bright yellow and displayed poorly-drawn penises, as one might quickly sketch using a computer mouse and a simple painting app.

Reading from his teleprompter, General Higgenbotham continued. “Let me assure you. Our systems are secure. Furthermore, balls. Balls and more balls. Your butt and your butt hole.”

An aide rushed to the general’s side and whispered to him.

General Higgenbotham pounded his fist on his podium. “Immature kids might think this is funny. But there’s nothing humorous about a nuclear exchange simulation looking like flocks of wieners flying around the globe.”

Someone at the back of the press pool stifled a laugh. The general whipped his head toward the sound. The culprit remained silent.

“I can see I’m not getting through,” Higgenbotham said. “I’ll refer any further questions to Cyber Command’s website.”

He abruptly ended the press conference.

At the time of this writing, Cyber Command’s website FAQ still featured the question: “Does General Higgenbotham have a fat ass? Damn right he does. Your mom. And TITS! Fix your security, dudes, and be glad we’re just high school pranksters.”

DAMNED ON DEMAND! Networks Split News Channels into Genres Catering to Fear, Despair, Hatred, Lunacy, and Doom

“It was only a matter of time,” said Miranda Weaver, Chief Marketing Officer of Standard Comm Corp (SCC). SCC is one of the largest owners of broadcast news networks. She was addressing their decision to split their single news channel into several sub-channels.

“Entertainment networks have been doing it for a while,” she said. “There are movie channels for Westerns, Sci-Fi, Romance, Thriller, Mystery, etc. To cater to every taste. It’s time news networks caught up.”

“Now, viewers can customize their news for their preferred negative emotions. Instead of one-size-fits-all depressing outlook, consumers can choose how to feel bad.”

“Some folks prefer their news be about armed zealots. For them, there’s the Fear channel. Others like to train their attention on paranoid, self-contradicting conspiracy theories. For them, we offer Lunacy. For those addicted to the adrenaline rush of Hatred, we’ve got a channel for them, too.”

“Big Data is a huge help. We’re collecting so much information on people, we are better at predicting their behavior than they are. And if that scares you, try our Doom channel.”

The initial genres (Fear, Despair, Hatred, Lunacy, Doom) are being called The Big Five, but Weaver did not rule out further subdivisions.

“Due to advances in bandwidth, there’s no downside to further customization. I could see far more negative, more specific emotions. But that’s a few years down the road.”

She added with a nervous chuckle.

“Assuming we all live that long,”

ATLAS HUGGED! Ayn Rand-Inspired Parenting Movement Causing Epidemic of Orphanage Overcrowding

A recent parenting trend follows the philosophy of novelist and essayist Ayn Rand. Rand’s “Objectivism” proposes that a person’s happiness is the moral purpose of their own life.

Many adherents of “objectivist parenting” end up giving their children to orphanages.

“I was breastfeeding little Galt,” said one mother. “But caring for an infant was interfering with the life I wanted for myself. He was waking up late at night, impairing my purpose, my own happiness. He also infringed on the Randian principle of self-reliance. It was time for him to get off the teat. I ripped my breast out of his mouth. It wasn’t Atlas Shrugging, but it was a mother’s equivalent.”

Another devotee used Rand’s essay “The Virtue of Selfishness” to guide her parenting.

“My twins Ragnar and Roark were always fighting over toys. I could be like other parents and buy two of each. But why should I?”

Did she teach them to share?

“Of course not. I taught them the virtue of selfishness. If everyone grabs what they want that creates a better world for everyone. My boys are now learning to hide toys from each other and steal them from one another. They’ll be ready to join society soon.”

Not everyone agrees that child-rearing with an extreme view of the individual is a good idea.

Anne Perzel, Director of Living With Grace, a well-known network of orphanages, complained.

“We’re already lacking funds and resources. Now we have these Rand-inspired parents who dump their kids. All because the kid infringes on their freedom.”

“I don’t want to sound like I’m anti-choice,” Perzel continued. “But please, wear a condom. Get an abortion. Whatever you have to do. Instead they selfishly enjoy the joys of pregnancy and infancy, then toss the child aside.”

When confronted with this, the objectivist parents had the same response.

“I’m all for choice, too. My child chose to be born and I chose to give it up for adoption. If that lady who runs the orphanges doesn’t like it, she should abandon the kids. If everyone does what they want, then everyone’s happy.”

THINKING FREELY! Self-Described Skeptic Believes Entire Anonymous Post That Reads like a Psychotic Episode

“Do your own research! Think for yourself! Don’t be a sheep!”

Those reminders are scrawled on the walls where Josh (real name withheld) sits at his computer. He’s there 18 hours a day, reading and posting on anonymous online forums.

“It’s my way of standing up for freedom. The overlords are telling us that we should wash our hands and wear a mask to prevent the spread of disease. Please!” Josh scoffs.

“Why should I believe them when user SecretFace666 just posted a 5,000-word epic reveal about how face masks are actually made from reconstituted dinosaur cartilage that was kept in a vault underneath the Vatican? They transferred it by black helicopter to a secret lab in Russia where it was treated with a mind-altering substance called KM54. That would be bad enough, but when they were designing KM54, they kidnapped 800 kids from American schools and performed experiments on them.”

“That’s why I don’t wear a mask. They won’t control me. I don’t believe a word the mainstream media tells us. We have to be skeptical.”

But isn’t is the poster reliable? Who is SecretFace666? Do they have any credentials? What is their evidence?

Josh is ready with an answer: “He has to be anonymous to protect his identity. Or else he’d get disappeared.”

Josh continued speaking, his voice rising from a whisper to a yell. “That’s why what I do is so important. We have spread the word about what’s really going on. Refuse to give in! I will not be a pawn! Resist!”

“Josh? Did you take out the trash yet?” his mother yelled from another room.

“I will later!” he yelled back.

He turned back to his computer, mumbling to himself.

“See? The battle against tyranny never ends.”