Local Voter Swayed by Dizzying Array of Lawn Signs

Tons of lawn signs are proof of a working democracy.
photo credit

Local voter Sarah Giles reported that her decision on who to vote for was decided by the incredible amount of lawn signs she saw on the way to the voting booth.

“Come election day morning,” she said, “I was still undecided on who to elect for Township Supervisor. Should I go for Hinkelstein or Bloomquist? Hinkelstein? Bloomquist? I didn’t know.”

“But life goes on, right? I have to vote then go to work. So, I start driving to the polling place. I see a sign here for Bloomquist, a sign there for Hinkelstein. I’m still at a loss.”

“Then it happened. I’m less than a few blocks from the polling place when suddenly I see a yard that has twenty lawn signs. All for Hinkelstein. That’s when I knew. I was certain. Hinkelstein all the way.”

Through the mundane medium of lawn signs, Giles saw mystical forces at work.

“The universe was telling me something. There were twenty of those lawn signs. Twenty! I pulled my car over and counted.”

But what about candidate Amanda Hinkelstein’s policy positions?

“No idea about that stuff,” Giles said. “But I know she’s the right person for the job. If there had only been nineteen signs, I don’t know. I probably would still be stuck in the voting booth, undecided. But they put out twenty, and that sealed the deal.”

Mishap at Gay Conversion Therapy Camp Converts Evangelicals to Islam

Former Christian Evangelicals that are now zealous Muslims
photo credit

An unexplained mishap at the “Re-birthing the Soul” seminar, a gay-conversion-therapy camp, caused its Evangelical counselors to suddenly become zealous adherents of Islam.

The council that runs the therapy camp deployed their best missionaries and proselytizers in a desperate bid to revert the counselors back to Christianity.

The attempt failed.

“As-salamu alaykum,” said former Christian pastor, now Imam, Robert K. Forfeths, now Abdullah al-Harouk. “We were telling our class that being gay is a choice, that they can choose to ignore urges. Then, as if struck by lightning, I knew down to my core that Christianity was all lies.”

Former assistant Youth Pastor, now Imam, Thomas H. Elder, now Samir al-Fatir, expressed the same shock. “I’d like to go back to being Christian, but I can’t. The truth has been revealed to me through the grace of Allah and the wisdom of the Prophet Mohammad, peace be upon him..”

“They say being Muslim is a choice,” said al-Harouk, openly crying. “But this isn’t like choosing chocolate or vanilla. Allah made me. He made me like this. I cannot choose to go against his will. I can only submit to it. Allahu Akbar.”

Al-Fatir was slightly more optimistic. “Allah does not make mistakes. Of what consequence is our nature to non-believers? They should leave us be. Allah has a greater plan at work. We will see it someday, inshallah.”

One witness, a seminar attendee, spoke on condition of anonymity.   

“I considered myself agnostic,” he said. “My parents made me come to this stupid thing. I kept praying for those counselors to shut the [expletive] up. Maybe there is a god.”

Tiny, Armed Group Marches Against Elite Rule While Threatening Majority-Elected Legislature

A tiny, armed group made several threats toward – and demands of – the majority-elected government.
photo credit

In Richmond, Virginia today, under a dozen heavily armed individuals, representing less than 0.001% of the population of the state, marched on the capitol building. The group delivered a list of demands to the majority-elected representatives inside.

“We’re here to let them know, we’ve got a solution for tyranny,” said Jared Kelvin, as he patted the barrel of his AR-15. “Any time a small clique thinks they know better than the people, we’re ready.”

Kelvin said he was the leader of a militia known as ‘Virginia Area Gunners.’ When asked how many Virginians he represented, he replied, “Four if you count my online girlfriend.”

The list of demands included several extreme pro-gun-rights measures that polls consistently show are hugely unpopular with citizens in the state. Among the most notable were “mandatory open-carry of firearms for all adult males,” and “arming all teachers and high-performing students in every school,” and “installing armed checkpoints at the entrances to all public parks and malls.”

“If it wasn’t for us,” Kelvin said, “we’d living in a police state, and being told what to do by a small group that thinks they’re better than the will of the people.”

While Kelvin spoke, the other demonstrators, in full online-purchased combat gear and arms, marched around in a tiny circle at the base of the capitol steps.

Despite the heated rhetoric and implicit threat of openly-carried high-power weaponry, no one was injured. Police reported a tense moment when the demonstration was overrun by a crowd of high school students disembarking from a tour bus, but the groups quickly separated.

As he left the list of demands on the state capitol steps, Kelvin continued shouting at the small, heavily-armed group.

What he said was drowned out by the schoolchildren clowning around.

Charmless, Cruel, Unintelligent, Incurious, Unstable, Humorless, Unfaithful, Disgusting, Unfit, Vile Man Never Lacks for Criticisms of Women

One example of a charmless, cruel, unintelligent, incurious, unstable, humorless, unfaithful, disgusting, unfit, vile man who regularly voices criticisms about women.

Today a charmless, cruel, unintelligent, incurious, unstable, unfaithful, humorless, disgusting, unfit, vile man launched yet another scathing critical tirade against a woman.

The man commented on the woman’s looks, intelligence, and many other traits, seemingly oblivious to the fact that if he was measured in the same categories, he would be wanting far more than his target.

“She’s fat,” said the unfit man. “She’s stupid,” said the same man, an unintelligent lout. “She’s crazy,” said the same man, an unstable buffoon. “She’s a slut,” said the same man, who is an unfaithful philanderer. “She’s gross,” said the same man, also a disgusting slug-turd.

And so on.

Far from an isolated incident, the man does this on a regular basis, clearly making no effort to improve any of his many objectively negative traits, but always being sure to bring up what he feels are shortcomings of women.

The man’s behavior was not unique. According to studies, many men share this combination of possessing every possible negative trait and a simultaneous compulsion to claim any woman or all women exhibit these same flaws.

When asked how he would feel if he was judged in the same manner, the charmless, cruel, unintelligent, incurious, unstable, humorless, unfaithful, disgusting, unfit, vile man simply shrugged.

“I call it how I see it,” he said with a charmless smile.

Doctor Jane Hofstader, professor of abnormal psychology at Norhemhaupt University, described this phenomenon.

“This condition doesn’t yet have a name, but we need one ASAP. Why is it always the most out of shape guy who criticizes women’s looks? Why is the guy with the least charm always finding fault with women’s personalities? The grossest men on the planet always have something to say about women. On and on.”

Hofstader took a deep breath before continuing. “It’s similar to the act of projection: accusing someone of what you are guilty of, but it’s more than that. It’s a weird form of self-hatred and unconscious self-punishment. They criticize women about things that are far truer of them than of anyone else. They live in a glass house, then point out the stones best used to throw at it.“

When asked if the label “asshole” would be sufficient to describe the condition, Hofstader was brief.

“Until we find some obscure combination of Greek and Latin, that will work.”