Inventor of “Tall Inflatable Wavy Noodle Guy” Teases Newest Lure for Used Car Lots

“If you thought ‘tall inflatable wavy noodle guy’ helped bring in customers, you’ll love our next attraction!”

So teased Fred Scuzzman, self-described “King of Lot Lures.” He was addressing a standing-room-only crowd at the yearly convention of used car lot owners held in Baltimore. 

“We’ve got limited inventory of this beauty. Don’t miss out. If you don’t put your $500 deposit down now, your competitors will.” 

The line to put a deposit down for the as-yet-unannounced roadside attraction stretched out of the convention center. 

Hank Schneider, who owns four used car lots outside Camden, New Jersey, couldn’t contain his excitement. 

“When Apple announces a new iPhone, there’s a line around the block. That’s nothing. When Scuzzman announces a lot lure, there’s a stampede. Tall Inflatable Wavy Noodle Guy 2.0? Holy heck, I’d camp out for weeks if I had to.” 

Afterward, Schneider wasn’t entirely happy.

“He said in his speech the deposit was five hundred. I wait for fourteen hours, get to the front of the line, and he says it’s actually fifteen hundred! I waited half a day and then they change the price?”

Despite the bait and switch, Schneider was still awestruck. 

“Oh well. What can you do? Scuzzman is gonna Scuzzman. I’m just glad I’ll be getting mine soon, whatever it is. How on earth is he going to top ‘tall inflatable wavy noodle guy?’ People just see it and think, I need to buy a used car. What kind of insane genius would have made that connection? Fred Scuzzman. That’s who.”

New Business “StripBucks” Combines Lap Dances and Lattes

The new combination coffee-shop strip-club “StripBucks” serves all kinds of grinds.
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Entrepreneur Hudson Torrance is quick with his sales pitch. 

“Steve Jobs was king of the mashup. Take good ideas and mix ‘em together. He took the phone, the television, the music player and combined them into the iPhone. I’m doing the same. Gourmet coffee plus sexy bodies equals StripBucks!” 

So far, only one StripBucks exists in the Greater Los Angeles area. Torrance claims he is talking to investors seeking franchise opportunities.

“We cater to all tastes,” Torrance said. “All tastes of coffee, all tastes of sexuality. You want iced decaf and a large breasted blonde in a bikini? Done. You want dark roast no whip delivered from a boytoy with chiseled abs wearing a thong? Done! Free wifi, too. Why would you ever leave?” 

Early customers gave the place mixed reviews. 

Brent Forrester said, “I like it, but it’s hard to draft my screenplay when I see a sweaty ass shaking across the room. Then again, who cares about writing when that’s going on? I’m getting less done, but I don’t feel guilty about it.” 

Cassie Hindermann was also positive. “Once I was trying to ‘make it rain’ and I accidentally slapped my hot coffee onto Ramrod’s g-string. Scalded the poor guy all around the danger zone. I felt terrible. Other than that, I’ve always had a good time here.” 

Torrance was pleased with his early success.

“Our clientele are tech-savvy millennials. Each g-string comes with a RFID. That’s radio frequency identification. You can track them through the place with our app. Got a favorite stripper? You can find where he or she is in the club. Want to tip? Just swipe your phone near the goodies and set the amount. We even take bitcoin.” 

He mentioned only one remaining challenge. 

“I don’t know what to call the staff. Strippers + Baristas. Stripistas? Striptenders? I’m stuck on it. But I’ll get it. Mash-ups rule. Come to StripBucks! We serve all kinds of grinds!”

Abusive Social Media User Wonders Why World Remains Cruel

The anonymous social media user interviewed for this article can’t understand why verbally abusing people non-stop doesn’t result in a kinder, gentler world.
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A social media user, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed extreme disappointment. Why? Because despite his strenuous efforts, people remain cruel and unfair.

“I’m working so hard to make the world a better place,” he said via direct message on one of his many platforms. “Yesterday a stranger posted something I disagreed with so I took them to task.”

“What could I do? I had to reply. Silence only helps the oppressor, right? So, I wrote back, ‘You piece of shit. Stop writing. Delete your account then delete your life. Kill yourself and your children.’ And I sent it.”

He sighed. “And yet, the world still remains a cruel and horrible place.”

Does our anonymous user expect the world to improve after one posting?

“No. Of course not,” he said. “But I’ve done it hundreds of times. It’s all I do, all day. I call people out. That was only one example. And I went easy on that guy.”

Does he get any feedback? Any replies?

“Most of the time, no. You would expect someone to say, ‘Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.’ But that never happens. Someone once replied with, ‘A little respect goes a long way.’”

What did our anonymous social media user do?

“I had to speak up, of course. I answered with ‘Fuck off, you arrogant monster. You Nazi-sympathizer. Stab yourself in the neck and die slow.’ Then I sent it. No further reply. And the world is still a vicious place.”

“I don’t get it. I’m staying up later and later. I’m dedicated to this cause. I’m trying to make the world a better place. If I don’t speak up for others, when it’s my turn, who will speak up for me? Know what I mean?”

“I feel helpless. But it can’t be the destiny of mankind to live among horrible people. I’ll never give up speaking out. I’ll have to get more intense, I suppose. It’s always darkest before dawn, right?”

Brave American Heroes Defy “Must Wear Pants” Laws in Name of Freedom

Clothing retailers are concerned the new “don’t wear pants” movement may adversely impact their business.
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“Last I checked, it’s a free country,” said Ron Delfon, a diner at the Rising Sun Sushi Buffet.

It would be a normal scene — except for the fact that Mr. Delfon wasn’t wearing pants. 

He was wearing a shirt and sneakers but nothing else. Not even underwear. 

As he slid from the booth for another plate, his bare buttocks left a sweaty smear across the vinyl seat.  

Up at the buffet counter, other customers gave him plenty of space. His shriveled genitals and pubic hair flopped into the ice as he leaned in to retrieve a Spicy Dragon Roll. 

“Hey buddy,” one of the other diners called out. “Put on some damn pants.”

“No thanks,” Mr. Delfon snapped. “I don’t live in fear.”

Mr. Delfon is a new breed of American freedom fighter. One that refuses to conform to any government or civic authority request. 

“I’m not a sheep,” he said. “Look at all these other customers. All with pants on. Did they think of that themselves? Or do they wear pants because the law says so? These fools are the same ones who wore masks when the government told them to. I’m against all forms of tyranny.” 

Does a law requiring masks or pants qualify as tyranny?

“Absolutely,” Delfon said. “My grandfather died fighting in World War Two. He didn’t give his life so we could all bow to dictators.” 

What’s the big deal? How hard is it to wear pants? 

“The big deal is I’m not a sheep. If I want to eat sushi, or greasy fried chicken, or a big juicy steak while I’m naked from the waist down, that’s my right. That’s a freedom my grandfather died protecting.” 

But what about other people? They might not want to see that. And what about keeping public spaces as clean and sanitary as possible?

Mr. Delfon chuckled. “Their freedom ends at my rights.”

Does he hope to see his movement grow? 

“Definitely. We should all resist the government. Don’t give in to fear. Don’t be a sheep. Don’t wear pants.”