“Mao’s got a crush! Mao’s got a crush!” chanted Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler.
“Stop it,” whined Mao Zedong, as he lazily swung his Hello Kitty pillow at them. Hitler dodged, but Stalin was hit in the chest on top of the embroidered fairy that adorned his fuzzy pajama onesie.
“You both like them, too!” Mao screeched. The other two hid their faces and giggled.
Every month, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Mao Zedong sneak up to the attic, eat sugary snacks, wear pajamas, and watch old movies long into the night. And gossip.
It’s a chance for human history’s most brutal murderers to relax and wind down.
“Okay, fine, it’s true,” Joseph Stalin said, covering his mouth to hide his sly grin. “I love me some Republicans. You guys! They’re SO GOOD at killing! There’s a plague raging and they tell people to avoid doing simple things that would save their OWN lives! Things doctors recommend, like getting a vaccine or wearing a mask. They are literally helping murder people and telling those SAME people it’s to defend freedom. And the proletariat BELIEVE them!”
Stalin pantomimed wiping sweat from his forehead. “That’s SOOOO hot.”
“I know, right?” Adolf Hitler squeaked. “Back in our day, we had to murder people AGAINST their will. These Republicans? They get folks to kill themselves! It’s dead sexy.”
Hitler fanned himself with his hand. “They convince rubes that buying guns guarantees freedom. Then those gun owners use their weapons to threaten fellow citizens and they say THAT’S defending democracy! The government doesn’t need to oppress people! Their citizens are doing it for them! Even better, lots of them end up shooting themselves accidentally!”
Hitler sighed heavily. “Even I never dreamed of that! I should have armed the Jews!”
“O.M.G. guys,” Mao said. “Republicans take murder to an art form. They make genocide look easy! They let industry pollute drinking water, and then convince the rubes that any regulations against that is oppression. They vote for their own destruction!”
Mao swooned. “It makes me tingly all over! And don’t forget about how they deny climate change science. They’re going to do nothing as the entire world becomes unlivable for humanity! The whole world!”
At the prospect of all humanity annihilated, the attic was filled with a cacophony of ecstatic squealing. As the giggling dissolved into sighs, all three mass murderers fell silent, their cheeks flushed.
After a brief pause, Hitler asked, “Should we watch Mean Girls again?”
“Def!” said Mao. “We all love torture! Why not some self-torture?”
“Oh, goody!” cheered Stalin.