KILLER PAJAMA PARTY! History’s Worst Mass Murderers Admit to Romantic Crushes on Republican Party at Sleepover

“Mao’s got a crush! Mao’s got a crush!” chanted Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler.

“Stop it,” whined Mao Zedong, as he lazily swung his Hello Kitty pillow at them. Hitler dodged, but Stalin was hit in the chest on top of the embroidered fairy that adorned his fuzzy pajama onesie.

“You both like them, too!” Mao screeched. The other two hid their faces and giggled.

Every month, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Mao Zedong sneak up to the attic, eat sugary snacks, wear pajamas, and watch old movies long into the night. And gossip.

Especially gossip.

It’s a chance for human history’s most brutal murderers to relax and wind down.

“Okay, fine, it’s true,” Joseph Stalin said, covering his mouth to hide his sly grin. “I love me some Republicans. You guys! They’re SO GOOD at killing! There’s a plague raging and they tell people to avoid doing simple things that would save their OWN lives! Things doctors recommend, like getting a vaccine or wearing a mask. They are literally helping murder people and telling those SAME people it’s to defend freedom. And the proletariat BELIEVE them!”

Stalin pantomimed wiping sweat from his forehead. “That’s SOOOO hot.”

“I know, right?” Adolf Hitler squeaked. “Back in our day, we had to murder people AGAINST their will. These Republicans? They get folks to kill themselves! It’s dead sexy.”

Hitler fanned himself with his hand. “They convince rubes that buying guns guarantees freedom. Then those gun owners use their weapons to threaten fellow citizens and they say THAT’S defending democracy! The government doesn’t need to oppress people! Their citizens are doing it for them! Even better, lots of them end up shooting themselves accidentally!”

Hitler sighed heavily. “Even I never dreamed of that! I should have armed the Jews!”

“O.M.G. guys,” Mao said. “Republicans take murder to an art form. They make genocide look easy! They let industry pollute drinking water, and then convince the rubes that any regulations against that is oppression. They vote for their own destruction!”

Mao swooned. “It makes me tingly all over! And don’t forget about how they deny climate change science. They’re going to do nothing as the entire world becomes unlivable for humanity! The whole world!”

At the prospect of all humanity annihilated, the attic was filled with a cacophony of ecstatic squealing. As the giggling dissolved into sighs, all three mass murderers fell silent, their cheeks flushed.

After a brief pause, Hitler asked, “Should we watch Mean Girls again?”

“Def!” said Mao. “We all love torture! Why not some self-torture?”

“Oh, goody!” cheered Stalin.

RELEGATED REGULATOR! Militia Regulatory Agency Waits to be Called Upon After Being Ignored for Over 200 Years

”A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.”

So reads the Second Amendment to the US Constitution. Much debated and hated, memorized and loved. You can find many interpretations, but it’s rare to find anyone who insists the USA is not a mostly free country.

But if the USA is free, then as the second Amendment states, there must be a well-regulated, citizen-sourced militia. So where is this well-regulated militia? And who regulates it?

“I do,” says Ebenezer Thaddeus Zechariah, head of the obscure Militia Regulatory Agency.
The MRA was formed immediately after the drafting of the Second Amendment in the late 18th century. The agency’s purpose is to oversee the forming of militias across the nation. It will deploy these militias when needed to defend the values of the constitution.

“We’re the best kept secret in all the Crown’s colonies,” said Zechariah. “I haven’t had a visitor since I was appointed Militia Regulator by the Continental Congreff.”

The MRA’s office is difficult to find. It’s behind an unmarked door in the twisting underground tunnels beneath the Capitol. Once inside, one must climb over a broken water cooler and a defunct paper shredder while dodging several heaps of rat droppings.

“I stand at the ready,” Zechariah said, his long white beard stretching five feet to the floor. “It’s taking longer than expected. I thought we’d be busier. True citizens should be arriving with details regarding their militias. We need numbers and how they might receive orders to coordinate. Tell me, good sir, have they solved the problem of bumpy rides in horse-drawn carriages? I do get so nauseous when traveling afar, such as, say, five miles.”

Mr. Zechariah was profoundly surprised to learn that well over two hundred years had passed since the formation of the MRA.

“Egads! But then who is regulating the militias? Without organization, any pub-sop loonabout could brandish a musket and cause mayhem in the town square. Hooligans could amass and terrorize the countryside. Without coordination, ‘twould be anarchy!”

Well, yeah. Exactly.

“Kind sir, I need you to immediately dispatch messenger on the swiftest horse with hellfire urgency! Notify the the citizenry that should they wish to honor the Second Amendment, they must report to me. Until then, that’s a dishonest reading of the clause, and the nation is not free!”

Zechariah ran his fingers through his curly white wig, jostling loose a cloud of dandruff.

“Zounds!” he said. “To separate arms from organization be the height of foolery! To consider otherwise ‘twould equate patriotism with the nonsensical ravings of a carnival clown!”

HISTORIC OLYMPICS! Ignorami Break Sprinting Speed Records Racing to Issue First Dumb Criticism of Simone Biles

The news shocked the Olympic and gymnastic world. 

Simone Biles, the once-in-a-generation elite athlete had withdrawn from competing further in the Tokyo 2020 Olympic games, citing mental health reasons. (full story)

Fans were stunned. They would not get to see the heavily gold-medaled gymnast compete on the world stage. 

Olympic watchers were disappointed.

But there was a silver lining in the gray cloud. Olympics enthusiasts got to see world-record-breaking sprints, as cranky culture warriors around the world raced to be the first to release dumb criticism of Ms. Biles.

“It’s always best to be first,” said Fred Shabiro, stumbling across his basement in an awkward dash to reach his podcasting microphone. He would have been the clear winner, the first to issue a dumb comment, except he had to catch his breath.

“Damn,” he gasped. “Just a few steps and I’m winded,” he said, before issuing his criticism of a woman who can launch herself into the air twice her height. While doing flips.

Shabiro was in a dead heat with Schumker Jaarlsen, a leading TV pundit and trust-fund kid who wages the culture war nightly. “Gotta be the first!” he screamed, as he bolted from his corner office and across his multi-million-dollar television studio a distance of 3 meters (approximately 10 feet.)

He bravely waved off his make-up and hair people and signaled his camera crew to immediately start recording. “This is an opportunity! Breaking news! We gotta be the first!” he screeched between heavy breaths as his brow-beaten crew darted in all directions.

The issue was so tailor-made for pointless anger that deceased ignoramus Russ Flimbuagh rose from the grave and made his way to his old radio station. Zombies are usually known for their plodding gait, but the urgency propelled the undead Flimbaugh to move in a rapid shamble. Witnesses likened the relatively quick zombie commentator to a rhino on hind legs dancing the hula.

“I couldn’t miss out on this one,” Flimbaugh said through rotting teeth and withered lips, as he took his seat in the studio. “This is what I was made for. I’d come back from the dead for a chance to direct righteous rage at a famous, young, successful black woman exercising her autonomy with quiet confidence.”

Further commentary was cut off as his rotting lower jaw disconnected and fell to the studio floor.

EARNING THAT PAY! CEO Visits Warehouse Floor, Packages 4,000 Orders In Same Time as Frontline Worker Does 1

“It all started with a really bad day,” said Pete Rogelski, a frontline package handler at a large internet retailer’s warehouse.

“I was sweating my ass off because there’s no air conditioning. I had already used my pee break and wouldn’t get one for another eight hours. I was angry. Resentful.” 

Despite the inhumane conditions, Rogelski stays for the same reason anyone would: survival.

“I hate my job. It’s monotonous, back-breaking, and I make minimum wage. In my state, that’s seven dollars an hour. You can’t live on that working a standard forty hours. I do overtime every day. Then I read an article about how much our CEO was making and I was pissed. I folded my arms and let the orders pile up. My own little work stoppage.”

Despite warnings from co-workers, Rogelski continued his protest, causing his supervisor to inquire.

“I laid it out. ‘Look,’ I said. ‘Our CEO makes 28,000 dollars per hour. That’s 4,000 times as much as me. So he should be able to process 4,000 orders for every one I do. Tell him to get his ass down here and do 4,000 packages in the five minutes I have to do one, and I’ll go back to work.’” 

What happened next surprised everyone. The supervisor didn’t fire Rogelski, but instead, walked back to his office.

CEO Chip Jayhossen arrived on the warehouse floor shortly after.

“He was strolling towards me,” Rogelski said. “A herd of managers following like a celebrity’s entourage. I thought, oh this is bad, they’re not just going to fire me. They’re going to fire everyone.”

Instead, CEO Jayhossen spoke to the assembled workers.

“I hear some of my partners on the frontline have been talking smack about my pay. Some say, if I make 4,000 times as much as you warehouse folk, then I should be able to process 4,000 times as many orders. Well watch this!” 

You can see the amazement in Rogelski’s eyes as he recalls the event. “He rolled up his sleeves. And then disappeared. At least I thought he did, but no. He was just that fast!” 

“The job is simple. Get a printout of an order, get the stuff off the shelves, box it, tape it up, drop it on the outgoing conveyor belt. There was a blur, and stuff started piling up on the loading dock to be shipped out! I was shocked. You could barely see him move! All I heard was whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And there were little clouds of dust as he zipped past! People’s hair would flop up in his wake. It was like a cartoon! He was that damn fast.”

“His productivity counter hit an even 4,000 packages in five minutes. The loading bay was stacked high. [CEO Jayhossen] stopped, smacked his hands together and said, ‘Didn’t even break a sweat.’ Then he and his managers went back to wherever they came from. What a badass!”

Rogelski shook his head.

“That’s all we workers want. A little bit of fairness. If you’re going to be making 4,000 times more than I am, then all I ask is you prove you’re worth 4,000 times as much. And he did it. I stand corrected. And speaking of stand, I got to get back in line to meet my quota. This interview burned up some time, so only another seven hours until my pee break.”