Actual Catfish Frustrated With Online Dating Scene

A catfish
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In the ocean somewhere, a catfish expressed frustration at his lack of success with online dating.

“Most people complain that profiles don’t match reality,” the catfish said. “So I tried a different approach. I’m totally, completely honest. No filters, no exaggerations, just honesty. But it’s not working for me. I’ve made exactly zero connections.”

The catfish swam around before continuing.

“Everyone wants someone who is authentic. I’m real as real gets. In my bio, I was straight up. I wrote, ‘I’m a catfish. I may just be a weird fish with whisker-like growths, but I need love, too. And I’m willing to share. Hobbies include swimming and eating raw fish.’ So far, no luck.”

The catfish swam around some more then went on. “I didn’t give up. If they weren’t coming to me, I would go to them. Either I get no response, or ‘Ew, you’re a catfish.’ or ‘A catfish isn’t supposed to announce they’re a catfish, dumbass.’ Things like that. It’s confusing. Do they want me to be authentic or not?”

Despite the challenges, when asked if he was going to give up on the online dating scene, the catfish expressed optimism.

“I’m not going to give up. I know there’s a match for me out there. There’s plenty of humans on the land.”

Reading Teacher Assigning Students Boring Classics Bemoans that Students Don’t Like Reading

A bored student in Ms. Callendo’s reading class.
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Reading Teacher Edna P. Callendo whined yet again that her students don’t like reading.

“I assigned them ‘Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man’ by James Joyce,” Ms. Callendo said, as she smoked outside the teacher’s lounge of PS 152 in Dayton, Ohio. “Not one of them read it. Several even turned in their book reports with the Wikipedia page link printed at the bottom.”

Ms. Callendo has attempted several approaches to get the students interested in reading, none have had success.

“After the Wikipedia plagiarism incident, I switched them to oral reporting. I assigned ‘The Old Man and The Sea’ by Ernest Hemingway. Nice and short, right? That was a disaster, too. If one more kid said some variation of ‘It was about an elderly person fishing’ I was going to vomit.”

“These kids don’t like anything. The Catcher in the Rye? Disaster. Moby Dick? No one read it. Ulysses by Joyce? No dice.”

Callendo continued her rant. “Young folk just aren’t interested in reading. If I ask them about Vampires or Zombies, they’re all into those. They know everything about them, up and down. I don’t know how they get all that information. Can’t come from just movies.”

“Total Chaos” Warns Name Expert As Options for Spelling “Britney” reach Double Digits

Two young ladies. At least one is probably named Britney.
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Grammarians warn “There Are No Rules Any More” as permutations for the spelling of the name Britney reaches double digits.

“It’s total chaos out there,” said Professor Niles Muberhagen, head of the Naming Project, an organization that tracks baby names in the USA. “I’ve seen at least a dozen variations: Britni Britnee Britnahey Britanee Brittany Brittknee Britahiney Brittnie Britneigh Brihtny Bryytny. Bherhityany. On and on. Worst part about it is you can take the same suffixes and make as many variations of the name Ashley. No name is safe from this.”

Muberhagen added, “At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if folks start adding Qs and Xs at the end of their names and just declare them silent. Jesus.” 

When asked if he could explain the source of this trend, Muberhagen said, “I think it’s just a sign of the times. Everyone is trying so hard to be unique, but they all sound the same.”

NRA Vows to Help Fight Wildfires with Flamethrowers

A problem that the NRA believes could use more fire.
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The NRA announced today that they have shipped several flamethrowers to Australia and California to help those regions fight raging wildfires.

The move is part of the group’s recent efforts to expand its mission and attract new members. NRA membership has sagged in recent years due to the public’s weak enthusiasm for getting shot and mocking survivors of gun violence.

“We have always had a unique approach,” spokesman Wayne LaPierre said in a statement. “In the past, when there were too many guns, we prescribed more guns. This is a logical extension of that reasoning.”

Also included in the shipment will be materials for children. A comic featuring the new mascot, “Flamey McBurnsalot” will assist young ones in proper flamethrower handling.

“The only way to stop a bad fire is with a good fire,” LaPierre said. “If we burn down the entire forest before a fire gets there, the wildfire has no fuel. This rationale works for us with guns, because the logic is irrefutable.”

Asked about the dangers a flamethrower may pose to its operator, LaPierre responded, “Flamethrowers don’t burn people. Fires do.”