Aliens Issue Travel Advisory Warning for All of Earth

Do not be tricked by its peaceful appearance. This planet is dangerous.
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The Galactic Federation’s Governing Board of Networked Artificial Intelligences issued a dire travel warning today, alerting all sentient member species to avoid Earth at all costs.

“While human creatures populate only a small portion of the planet,” the warning said, “Their negative impact is felt across the entire orb. They may be largely confined to landmasses, but do not be fooled. Humans are deadly to outsiders, their own planet’s ecosystem and each other. It’s a mystery how they have evolved this far. Stay away.”

In the past, Earth has provided Federation members with popular attractions and activities, including flying over cars on rural highways at night, dissecting cows, and abducting humans.

Recently, however, several deadly encounters have proven that Earth is far more dangerous than it appears. Among the incidents:

  • A hive-mind of Greys, attempting to present themselves as friendly visitors, were obliterated by humans using primitive firearms.
  • A second Grey-carrying ship was incinerated after being shot down by human-made drones.
  • A band of Reptiloids drowned after landing their space craft on a glacier that melted due to human activity warming the planet beyond life-sustaining levels.
  • A delegation of Little Greens, attempting to deliver life-span-extending tech to the humans, were kidnapped and dissected alive at an air force base.

Despite the risks, some planned on ignoring the travel warning. Glorgix Z’Klonyran, spokes-beast of the Radonkulon species, expressed its skepticism.

“The government lies. They just want to control us. Everyone needs to stay calm. I’ve been going to Earth for centuries and I’m just fine. I’ll be going again soon. Nothing is going to keep me from racking up another notch on my anal probe.”

Local Voter Swayed by Dizzying Array of Lawn Signs

Tons of lawn signs are proof of a working democracy.
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Local voter Sarah Giles reported that her decision on who to vote for was decided by the incredible amount of lawn signs she saw on the way to the voting booth.

“Come election day morning,” she said, “I was still undecided on who to elect for Township Supervisor. Should I go for Hinkelstein or Bloomquist? Hinkelstein? Bloomquist? I didn’t know.”

“But life goes on, right? I have to vote then go to work. So, I start driving to the polling place. I see a sign here for Bloomquist, a sign there for Hinkelstein. I’m still at a loss.”

“Then it happened. I’m less than a few blocks from the polling place when suddenly I see a yard that has twenty lawn signs. All for Hinkelstein. That’s when I knew. I was certain. Hinkelstein all the way.”

Through the mundane medium of lawn signs, Giles saw mystical forces at work.

“The universe was telling me something. There were twenty of those lawn signs. Twenty! I pulled my car over and counted.”

But what about candidate Amanda Hinkelstein’s policy positions?

“No idea about that stuff,” Giles said. “But I know she’s the right person for the job. If there had only been nineteen signs, I don’t know. I probably would still be stuck in the voting booth, undecided. But they put out twenty, and that sealed the deal.”

Mishap at Gay Conversion Therapy Camp Converts Evangelicals to Islam

Former Christian Evangelicals that are now zealous Muslims
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An unexplained mishap at the “Re-birthing the Soul” seminar, a gay-conversion-therapy camp, caused its Evangelical counselors to suddenly become zealous adherents of Islam.

The council that runs the therapy camp deployed their best missionaries and proselytizers in a desperate bid to revert the counselors back to Christianity.

The attempt failed.

“As-salamu alaykum,” said former Christian pastor, now Imam, Robert K. Forfeths, now Abdullah al-Harouk. “We were telling our class that being gay is a choice, that they can choose to ignore urges. Then, as if struck by lightning, I knew down to my core that Christianity was all lies.”

Former assistant Youth Pastor, now Imam, Thomas H. Elder, now Samir al-Fatir, expressed the same shock. “I’d like to go back to being Christian, but I can’t. The truth has been revealed to me through the grace of Allah and the wisdom of the Prophet Mohammad, peace be upon him..”

“They say being Muslim is a choice,” said al-Harouk, openly crying. “But this isn’t like choosing chocolate or vanilla. Allah made me. He made me like this. I cannot choose to go against his will. I can only submit to it. Allahu Akbar.”

Al-Fatir was slightly more optimistic. “Allah does not make mistakes. Of what consequence is our nature to non-believers? They should leave us be. Allah has a greater plan at work. We will see it someday, inshallah.”

One witness, a seminar attendee, spoke on condition of anonymity.   

“I considered myself agnostic,” he said. “My parents made me come to this stupid thing. I kept praying for those counselors to shut the [expletive] up. Maybe there is a god.”

Tiny, Armed Group Marches Against Elite Rule While Threatening Majority-Elected Legislature

A tiny, armed group made several threats toward – and demands of – the majority-elected government.
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In Richmond, Virginia today, under a dozen heavily armed individuals, representing less than 0.001% of the population of the state, marched on the capitol building. The group delivered a list of demands to the majority-elected representatives inside.

“We’re here to let them know, we’ve got a solution for tyranny,” said Jared Kelvin, as he patted the barrel of his AR-15. “Any time a small clique thinks they know better than the people, we’re ready.”

Kelvin said he was the leader of a militia known as ‘Virginia Area Gunners.’ When asked how many Virginians he represented, he replied, “Four if you count my online girlfriend.”

The list of demands included several extreme pro-gun-rights measures that polls consistently show are hugely unpopular with citizens in the state. Among the most notable were “mandatory open-carry of firearms for all adult males,” and “arming all teachers and high-performing students in every school,” and “installing armed checkpoints at the entrances to all public parks and malls.”

“If it wasn’t for us,” Kelvin said, “we’d living in a police state, and being told what to do by a small group that thinks they’re better than the will of the people.”

While Kelvin spoke, the other demonstrators, in full online-purchased combat gear and arms, marched around in a tiny circle at the base of the capitol steps.

Despite the heated rhetoric and implicit threat of openly-carried high-power weaponry, no one was injured. Police reported a tense moment when the demonstration was overrun by a crowd of high school students disembarking from a tour bus, but the groups quickly separated.

As he left the list of demands on the state capitol steps, Kelvin continued shouting at the small, heavily-armed group.

What he said was drowned out by the schoolchildren clowning around.