Brave American Heroes Defy “Must Wear Pants” Laws in Name of Freedom

Clothing retailers are concerned the new “don’t wear pants” movement may adversely impact their business.
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“Last I checked, it’s a free country,” said Ron Delfon, a diner at the Rising Sun Sushi Buffet.

It would be a normal scene — except for the fact that Mr. Delfon wasn’t wearing pants. 

He was wearing a shirt and sneakers but nothing else. Not even underwear. 

As he slid from the booth for another plate, his bare buttocks left a sweaty smear across the vinyl seat.  

Up at the buffet counter, other customers gave him plenty of space. His shriveled genitals and pubic hair flopped into the ice as he leaned in to retrieve a Spicy Dragon Roll. 

“Hey buddy,” one of the other diners called out. “Put on some damn pants.”

“No thanks,” Mr. Delfon snapped. “I don’t live in fear.”

Mr. Delfon is a new breed of American freedom fighter. One that refuses to conform to any government or civic authority request. 

“I’m not a sheep,” he said. “Look at all these other customers. All with pants on. Did they think of that themselves? Or do they wear pants because the law says so? These fools are the same ones who wore masks when the government told them to. I’m against all forms of tyranny.” 

Does a law requiring masks or pants qualify as tyranny?

“Absolutely,” Delfon said. “My grandfather died fighting in World War Two. He didn’t give his life so we could all bow to dictators.” 

What’s the big deal? How hard is it to wear pants? 

“The big deal is I’m not a sheep. If I want to eat sushi, or greasy fried chicken, or a big juicy steak while I’m naked from the waist down, that’s my right. That’s a freedom my grandfather died protecting.” 

But what about other people? They might not want to see that. And what about keeping public spaces as clean and sanitary as possible?

Mr. Delfon chuckled. “Their freedom ends at my rights.”

Does he hope to see his movement grow? 

“Definitely. We should all resist the government. Don’t give in to fear. Don’t be a sheep. Don’t wear pants.”

Mighty Nation Paralyzed by Roving Mobs of Chickens Coming Home to Roost

Some members of the invading army of chickens that have overrun the world’s strongest military.
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The mightiest nation that civilization has ever produced is at a standstill. The cause was not a rival nation’s super-weapon, or aliens with superior tech, or a massive asteroid. The culprit?

A seemingly endless parade of chickens coming home to roost.

Farmer Rufus Primwell commented on the disaster. “Now I been workin’ the land longer than your average farmhand, but I never seen a roostin’ like this. Chickens as far as the eye can see, going every which way! Folks usually got a few [of] them birds returning to the homestead, nothin’ ya can’t handle. But any dirt-slinger worth his slop knows you gotta deal with them as they arrive.”

Traffic nationwide froze as the roving mobs of livestock fowl snarled roadways. Primwell lamented his stalled shipments.

“None of my rigs can leave. Too many chickens. We tried to run ‘em over. Their guts gum up the grill. Their feathers block the windows. And more keep coming.”

Despite the tragedy, some are making the best of the country-wide shutdown. Retiree Mary Oldevan offers a simple solution. Sitting on the floor of her one-level home, she is surrounded by content chickens resting in beds of yarn.

“I’m knitting nests,” she said. “If we each address some, that will make a difference. If everyone chips in, we can get them to stop running about causing trouble. Maybe not all. But some. And some is more than none.”

For his part, Farmer Primwell was still focused on the problem.

“Ya can’t just let them birds out over and over and not prepare for their homecoming. It’s irresponsible. They all gonna come back around sometime. Then what you gonna do? You gonna run outta roosts, that’s what! Now we all got one durn hell of a problem, and I don’t see how we gonna solve it.”

Barfly Mashing Cans on His Forehead is Confident Global Warming is a Myth

Interior of the Down-N-Out pub, where “Crunch” smashes beer cans on his forehead and shares his thoughts on Global Warming.
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At the Down-N-Out bar, they know “Crunch” for two things. One is smashing beer cans on his head. The other is his eloquently stated conviction that Global Warming is a myth.

“You wouldn’t expect those in the same person,” said Molly Keens, bartender. “He’s here every day. Grunts to order. Guzzles. Burps. Smashes the can on his forehead. I don’t think he knows too many words. Unless.”

Unless what?

“Well, if he overhears someone say the words ‘Global Warming’ or ‘Climate Change,’ he goes off. If there’s a news story about it on the TV, he rants for a good ten minutes.”

The first time Keens heard “Crunch” explaining why he felt Climate Change was a hoax, she was spellbound.

“I said, ‘Wow, Crunch. I had no idea you knew so much about climatology. Or all those big, fancy words. Where did you study that?’ He mumbled, ‘Crunch like beer.’ That was it.”

“Crazy, isn’t it?” Keens continued. “What are the chances? A guy who seems to have only one skill – smashing beer cans on his forehead – is also an expert in climate science? I personally don’t know the first thing about climatology. But Crunch? He’s not only confident enough to talk about it, but also to say that most scientists are wrong.”

After some negotiation, Keens agreed to an experiment. We placed our reporter on the stool next to “Crunch.” During a lull in the pub’s buzz, he said, “climate change” aloud.

“Crunch” leapt off his barstool and began pacing the floor. He spoke loudly and confidently, addressing no one. We recorded the entire rant and transcribed it.

A brief online search found a match. “Crunch” was repeating points from Fueling Our Future. The fossil-fuel industry lobbying group produces tons of online content aimed at the “low information voter” demographic.

Bartender Keens was disappointed. “I should have known something was off,” she said. “After six beers, my customers don’t usually go from zero to scientist. But he spoke so confidently. Oh well.”

Pressing One for English Nearly Kills Man Who Refused to Apologize for Post of American Flag

The final social media post of a self-described “American Badass”
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Six-foot-five, three-hundred-pound self-described “American Badass” John Bingsten collapsed yesterday. He remains in critical condition.

Bingsten fainted shortly after posting a photo of the American flag to social media. He added the caption, “I will not apolgize(sic) for posting this!”

Within the hour, EMTs wheeled him into the emergency room. Dr. Rajeesh Hajatmandani, the receiving doctor, spoke to reporters.

“The patient lost consciousness after a phone service asked him to press one for English. This began a panic attack brought on by uncontrolled rage.”

Bingsten’s girlfriend, Britanny Smith, fought back tears as she recalled finding him.

“He was on the floor seizing and crying. I kept asking what was wrong. All he did was weep. Like a baby. I can still see his tears running down his favorite motorcycle vest. The one that says ‘Kill ‘em all and let Allah sort ‘em out.’ He was twitching. Shaking. Foaming at the mouth.”

Bingsten was clutching his phone and his sewer bill. Authorities say he encountered the automated menu attempting to call his sewer company. The simple request was too much for him to take and he collapsed.

Friends and family shared their anger on social media. Several replied to Bingsten’s post.

“John was right to not apolgezi(sic),” read one post.

“Delate(sic) this,” read another. “I hold every non-English speaker responsible.” The comments included a dozen American flag icons and several middle finger emojis.

When asked who was demanding Mr. Bingsten apologize for posting the flag, Ms. Smith said, “You know who I mean. A whole bunch of people. If the stupid sewer company didn’t cater to them, my boyfriend wouldn’t be in the hospital.”

There’s a final twist to this sad tale. Phone records show the final call from Mr. Bingsten’s phone was one number off from his sewer company. He had actually dialed a textile company based in Mexico. A statement issued by the company expressed sympathy to the loved ones.

“I still blame them,” Ms. Smith said.

When asked if her boyfriend could have simply pressed one and moved on, Ms. Smith was brief.

“No. Of course not. He did what any God-loving, true-blood American would do. He got angry.”