Charmless, Cruel, Unintelligent, Incurious, Unstable, Humorless, Unfaithful, Disgusting, Unfit, Vile Man Never Lacks for Criticisms of Women

One example of a charmless, cruel, unintelligent, incurious, unstable, humorless, unfaithful, disgusting, unfit, vile man who regularly voices criticisms about women.

Today a charmless, cruel, unintelligent, incurious, unstable, unfaithful, humorless, disgusting, unfit, vile man launched yet another scathing critical tirade against a woman.

The man commented on the woman’s looks, intelligence, and many other traits, seemingly oblivious to the fact that if he was measured in the same categories, he would be wanting far more than his target.

“She’s fat,” said the unfit man. “She’s stupid,” said the same man, an unintelligent lout. “She’s crazy,” said the same man, an unstable buffoon. “She’s a slut,” said the same man, who is an unfaithful philanderer. “She’s gross,” said the same man, also a disgusting slug-turd.

And so on.

Far from an isolated incident, the man does this on a regular basis, clearly making no effort to improve any of his many objectively negative traits, but always being sure to bring up what he feels are shortcomings of women.

The man’s behavior was not unique. According to studies, many men share this combination of possessing every possible negative trait and a simultaneous compulsion to claim any woman or all women exhibit these same flaws.

When asked how he would feel if he was judged in the same manner, the charmless, cruel, unintelligent, incurious, unstable, humorless, unfaithful, disgusting, unfit, vile man simply shrugged.

“I call it how I see it,” he said with a charmless smile.

Doctor Jane Hofstader, professor of abnormal psychology at Norhemhaupt University, described this phenomenon.

“This condition doesn’t yet have a name, but we need one ASAP. Why is it always the most out of shape guy who criticizes women’s looks? Why is the guy with the least charm always finding fault with women’s personalities? The grossest men on the planet always have something to say about women. On and on.”

Hofstader took a deep breath before continuing. “It’s similar to the act of projection: accusing someone of what you are guilty of, but it’s more than that. It’s a weird form of self-hatred and unconscious self-punishment. They criticize women about things that are far truer of them than of anyone else. They live in a glass house, then point out the stones best used to throw at it.“

When asked if the label “asshole” would be sufficient to describe the condition, Hofstader was brief.

“Until we find some obscure combination of Greek and Latin, that will work.”

James Bond Dies from Impressive Collection of STDs

A cemetery like where James Bond was laid to rest.
photo credit

International spy, assassin, and insatiable womanizer, James Bond, also known as 007, passed away at the age of 48 from at least a dozen sexually transmitted diseases.

Attendees at his funeral included a diverse group of characters from Bond’s adventures.

Russian agent Madame Z. Titsalot was one of the mourners. Her two-inch steel fingernails, perfect for neck slashing, twinkled in the sunlight as she wiped away tears.

“I tell him,” she said. “Always use [the] condom. He [did] not listen.”

Even long-time Bond foes were in attendance. The terrorist mastermind of unspecified Eastern European origin, Rudolf Von Sinstar, stopped by to pay his respects.

“Bond was a worthy foe. I really thought my Brigade of Bikini Blade-mistresses would kill him. They had never failed me before. Instead, all five came back giggling like schoolgirls. It took hours of torture, but they finally admitted each one had slept with him. Two were pregnant.”

“I was enraged at the time,” Von Sinstar said, choking up. “But looking back, I should have been impressed.”

Other guests took turns recalling their favorite Bond moments. MI6 administrative assistant Miss Fullcarriage drew the biggest round of tearful laughs.

“Once while I was working at my desk, James leaned over, looked down my blouse, and said, ‘See if you can find some room in your carriage for me.’ So of course, I did. What woman could say no to him? I’ll never forget that evening. I still itch.”

After all the heartfelt tributes, the clock struck seven. A small explosive charge in the corpse’s genitals detonated, causing its penis to become erect. Bond’s long-time weapons and gadget manager, Q, held back a sniffle.

“My gift to you, old friend. One more for the long road, eh, double oh seven?”

Organizers of the Beautifully Divine Sacred Ministry Festival Realize Too Late They Should Have Chosen a Different Name

Attendees at the Beautifully Divine Sacred Ministry festival
photo credit

It’s the nation’s largest yearly gathering of evangelicals. Critics call it “Woodstock for America’s religious extremists.” Organizers call it the “Beautifully Divine Sacred Ministry festival.”

Attempting to attract a younger crowd, organizers abbreviated the name as the BDSM Festival. They encouraged the use of #BDSMfest on social media.

That’s when a wholly different demographic took notice.

Reverend Harold Melchior, spokesperson for the BDSM Festival, addressed the screw-up. 

“Of course, God loves everyone. He embraces all kinds. But I knew something was off when in walked a pale, shirtless man wearing a white studded bikini. He was holding hands with another man in pink chain-mail and feathery angel wings. I know the bible by heart and I’m certain there aren’t any passages that reference get-ups like that.”

Attendee Sally Calebsen felt the need to shield the eyes of her seven daughters. “We saw a group of three making a complete mockery of the holy family. The baby Jesus was a short hairy man wearing a tight black diaper. He was being carried by a woman, who from the fishnet robe, I guess was supposed to be Joseph. But Mary? Lord! Mary’s skirt was so tight it was see-through. And she was carrying a whip. And spanking the baby with it.”

“Let me tell you,” Mrs. Calebsen whispered. “That Mary was clearly not a virgin. I’m not even sure she was a she.”

“What a screw up,” Reverend Melchior said. “It was completely disrespectful. Hundreds of true Christians showed up but so did all those other folks. All of them half-naked and enduring torture. All we wanted to do was worship Jesus on the cross.”

Actual Catfish Frustrated With Online Dating Scene

A catfish
photo credit

In the ocean somewhere, a catfish expressed frustration at his lack of success with online dating.

“Most people complain that profiles don’t match reality,” the catfish said. “So I tried a different approach. I’m totally, completely honest. No filters, no exaggerations, just honesty. But it’s not working for me. I’ve made exactly zero connections.”

The catfish swam around before continuing.

“Everyone wants someone who is authentic. I’m real as real gets. In my bio, I was straight up. I wrote, ‘I’m a catfish. I may just be a weird fish with whisker-like growths, but I need love, too. And I’m willing to share. Hobbies include swimming and eating raw fish.’ So far, no luck.”

The catfish swam around some more then went on. “I didn’t give up. If they weren’t coming to me, I would go to them. Either I get no response, or ‘Ew, you’re a catfish.’ or ‘A catfish isn’t supposed to announce they’re a catfish, dumbass.’ Things like that. It’s confusing. Do they want me to be authentic or not?”

Despite the challenges, when asked if he was going to give up on the online dating scene, the catfish expressed optimism.

“I’m not going to give up. I know there’s a match for me out there. There’s plenty of humans on the land.”